DISCLAIMER: This story is dedicated to the love of my eternal soulmate Donise. While I have changed our characters and the events, our love and dedication is real.
This chapter contains no sex, so if you are looking for that please read something else. This chapter contains an honest self-evaluation of my problems. While the issues are true, the circumstances of how I worked through them aren't. Friends and those close to me will recognize much of what I describe here. I've never seen a therapist, but I imagine the advice given is probably good.
Soulmates - Chapter 8 - Hints of Trouble
For the first couple of months after the wedding, Donise and Janet lived a very happy and loving life. Both were deeply in love and the radiance of their love shown to everyone who knew them and even those they never met before. There were truly each others missing half made complete by their union.
About 3 months after, Donise started noticing little changes in Janet. Nothing major, just little things would seem to bother or annoy her. If she dropped a glass, spilled something, forgot something, Janet would become annoyed at herself. Even things that weren't in her control, like if the internet dropped connection or traffic was bad, Janet would become agitated and mad at herself for the situation. Donise kept trying to calm her and tell her not to get so worked up, things happen and you just got to go with it. Janet would always smile and tell Donise she was right, and it was silly for her to fell that way.
Donise even got concerned enough that she consulted a doctor to make sure nothing serious was going on with Janet. Janet reluctantly saw the doctor who did several tests and told her everything was fine, maybe she was taking on too much stress onto herself. Janet was working longer hours at her computer company she started after the wedding, so she decided to work less and give more control to her assistant Bob. This would work for a while, but then something silly would trigger the feelings in Janet again. Whenever Donise tried to broach the subject with her Janet got defensive and told her she was ok, she probably just needed a break from work and things.
Donise even booked a month long cruise for the two so they could get out and relax. Janet seemed very happy and content during this time, so Donise backed off the topic thinking it was just the stress getting to Janet. She guessed that Janet didn't handle stress well, so she made a point of trying to keep as much stress off her as possible.
This seemed to work for the most part, but every now and then Janet would become withdrawn and upset with herself. Donise also noticed Janet sleeping more and less energetic. Again she got concerned about her heath, so she had Janet visit a doctor and get checked out all over. Again the doctor assured her Janet was ok, but she could use less computer time and more physical activities outside, so Donise decided her and Janet would start taking walks and doing bike riding. This did seem to perk up Janet a bit, but she could still see she wasn't 100% that perky happy girl she knew when she first met her. Of course Donise never wavered in her love for Janet, she just started feeling helpless in trying to get her over this depression that seemed to come over Janet from time to time.
After a while, Donise decided to call Janet's ex-husband John, who was on good terms with both of them.
"Hi John, this is Donise. I wondered if you had some time that we could talk about things?" Donise asked.
"Hello Donise, how is my second favorite girl in the world today? Sure, I can talk anytime for as long as you like. Is everything ok?" John replied.
"Well, I am starting to become very concerned about Janet. She is fine and everything, but I've noticed she gets down on herself and depressed at times. Nothing too major, but I hate to see her like this. Can you tell me if she ever when through anything like this when you were married?"
"Actually, yes. I even thought maybe it was me, or us that was her problem. I've always knew she was curious about women, so I thought maybe she had been denying her true self and that was causing her to be depressed. I love her dearly and I would do anything to make her happy, even if that meant letting her go. That is why I was so happy you found her. But she would always get down on herself for the littlest things and get mad at herself. She would then have bouts depression where she would be tired all the time. We went to various doctors and they also never found anything physically wrong with her. After a while, I just assumed that I was the wrong person for her so when she told me she wanted to move on and find herself, I let her go."
"Well, now I am concerned since it seems to be happening again. Maybe I am also not the person for her as you put it".
"No hon, I know she loves you so much. Every time we talk you're all she ever talks about and how much she loves you. I can see the glow in her eyes whenever you two are together. I never got that from her when we were together. You are definitely her soulmate. I think maybe something else is buried deep in her that is causing this to constantly come on her" John explained.
"Have you ever tried therapy?" Donise asked.
"Yes, I have suggested that, but she is very reluctant about that. I did have a therapist friend come over once, on the guise he was an old college buddy, but I did asked him to see if he could figure anything out. He mentioned that he could see something bugged her about her past, but beyond that he couldn't dig too deep without it becoming a doctor/patient relationship so we backed off."
"Well, I will see if I can bring up the topic again, I am so concerned about her. She is my life and it hurts me so much when I see her like that" Donise told him with tears in her voice.
"You and me both. If there is anything at all I can do, let me know, ok? Please keep me posted on how things work out".
"I will John. Thank you for being so understanding about all this" she told him.
"Of course" John said, "I love you both dearly. I would do anything to see you both happy and content".
After the call ended, Donise felt both better and worse. Better because she at least knew it was not her that was causing Janet's grief, but worse because she was no closer to figuring this out than she was before. She had to get Janet into see a therapist somehow. She knew Janet was stubborn (much like she herself was) so it wasn't going to be easy.
When Janet came home that night, everything seemed to be pleasant. Janet was in a great mood and seemed very happy and affectionate. Donise almost forgot about the problems when Janet wrapped arms around her and kissed her deep.
"Mmmmmm" Donise moaned, "I never get tired of these arms and lips Darlin".
"And you never will" Janet assured her. "I love you so much, I am the luckiest girl alive".
Donise decided now might be the time to see if she could steer the conversation to her concerns a bit.
"So tell me Darlin, do I really make you happy? Is there anything about me or us that makes you unhappy?" Donise asked.
"Of course you make me very happy honey, and the only thing I would ever change is to be physically with you 24 hours a day 7 days a week 365 days a year for now to all eternity" Janet replied and kissed her deep again.
"Me too Darlin, I love you so much. I just get concerned when you get these bouts of depression and you get mad at yourself. I wish I could help you with that honey".
Suddenly Janet stiffened a bit. Her attitude changed slightly.
"It's nothing honey, I am fine. You worry too much" she told her.
"Baby," Donise said looking directly into her eyes "it's not nothing. You are the most wonderful woman I ever met. I would be completely lost without you. It hurts me so much when I see you get mad at yourself. I wish you wouldn't be like that. I feel like maybe I did something to make you feel that way".
"No honey, it's not you. It's just stupid old me. I just hate it when I do dumb things, like drop or spill something or forget something."
"Darlin, that isn't a dumb thing. That is an accident. Would you call me dumb or stupid if I dropped a cup or spilled my coffee?" Donise asked.
"No, of course not honey, it's just an accident".
"Then why do you get mad at yourself for doing similar things?"
"I don't know, I guess I just feel frustrated at being me at times. It's no big deal; can't we just forget it and talk about something else? I am fine, honest," Janet said trying to change the topic.
Donise didn't want to let go. "No baby. I love you so much. You are my world. But I can't sit around here and pretend everything is fine. There is something bothering you and we need to get to the bottom of it. Please let's get you some help, ok?"
"Honey, look. I am fine; I just get frustrated at myself whenever things don't go right. I am fine; it's no big deal. Yeah I get a little mad, but as you can see I get over it, ok? Can't we just go on and let it go?" Janet begged.
Donise sighed "Ok Darlin. But please promise me you will think about seeing someone, ok? I don't want to see you go on like this. It's not good for nor your heath in the long run".
They then sat down to a wonderful meal cooked by Donise and made love by the fireplace after.
The following 2 weeks were perfect. Janet seemed to be happier, but Donise kept a careful eye on her to see if she could sense what was triggering things.
One evening, Janet didn't call to say she was leaving work as she normally did. Donise got a little worried but Janet did that a few times before, just not often. When Janet was an hour late getting home, she called Janet's cell phone but it wasn't picking up. She called the office but again got no reply, so she called Janet's assistant Bob.
Bob told Donise that Janet left work about an hour and a half ago and wasn't in a good mood. A program Janet was working on wasn't working and Janet kept getting frustrated. She then said she was leaving and stormed out of the place. He told Donise that maybe she just went for a drive or somewhere to calm down. Donise told him to let her know if he heard anything else from her. Bob asked the same.
As Donise hung up the phone, she got very worried. This was unlike Janet. She called her sister Sheli and told her the situation. She asked if she could come stay at the house, incase Janet came home, so she could go out and look for her. Sheli agreed and was there within 15 minutes.
Donise back tracked all the way to the office and could see no trace of Janet. She then went to the clubs they normally visited and Janet was not at either place. She called back home to check with Sheli and no word yet. Donise was starting to panic and then she remembered the lake house. It was the place they first kissed and professed their love. She was hoping maybe Janet went there.
When she got to the lake house she didn't see any traces of Janet's car and was about to turn around when she spotted her car hidden behind some trees. She was praying Janet didn't do anything stupid.
"Janet, baby, are you here?" Donise yelled. She heard nothing. She went to the car. It wasn't locked and it didn't look like anyone had broken into it, so she didn't think she was hurt or abducted.
"Sweetheart, please, are you here baby?" Donise yelled again.
Finally she heard "Go away, I just want to be alone".
Donise turned and saw Janet sitting against a far tree in the dark crying.
"Baby, what is wrong?" Donise said as she approached.
"Nothing, please go, I don't deserve anyone's love, I am just a stupid ugly idiot who never should have been born" Janet cried.
Donise sat down beside her and took her in her arms.
"Darlin, I will have non of that. You aren't stupid or ugly. You are certainly not an idiot. And as far as you never being born, I would be lost if you weren't born. Honestly, I was never happy in my life until the moment you came into it. Please, what is wrong?"
"I can't take being me anymore. Everything I touch turns bad. I can't fix anything, I break everything, I spill everything, I am just so stupid" Janet cried.
Donise held her even tighter.
"Darlin, you know that isn't true. You touched me and I have never been more alive. We all have bad days, but you keep coming so harsh down on yourself".
"I hate me, the world would have been better off without me, no one would even care if I just disappeared".
"Baby, stop that right now. I for one would be devastated without you. Sheli loves you. John loves you. Everyone at your work loves you. Why do you have this feeling of self-hate so much? You are a wonderful, intelligent, caring, loving person. The world would certainly not be better off without you!"
"I don't know, I can't stop the feelings of self-hate. I've at times come to be 'ok' with myself, but I can't move past that. Every little mistake reminds me of how horrible I am".
"Darlin, you are not horrible! And everyone makes mistakes here and there. Please, let me in. Can you think back to when these feelings first started?" Donise asked.
"I don't know. Ever since I was a little girl I can remember never liking myself that much. I think it is because no one else liked me that much. I was always picked on and made fun of as a little girl. Even girls that were suppose to be my best friends; I found out set me up to be made fun of later. I guess I was just awkward and no liked me that much. I guess I always feel like I am being patronized" Janet told her.
"Sweetheart, I think that might be part of your problem. You think everyone is secretly not liking you, is that it?"
"I guess" Janet confessed, "I know people don't really like me and just pretend to be nice".
Donise took Janet's face in hers hands and looked deep into her eyes.
"Darlin, listen to me and listen good. Kids can be stupid and cruel. I wish I had been there when you were a kid cause I would have kicked them into the next life for doing that to you. But that is all in the past, ok? I love you and this isn't pretend. You are my world baby. You mean everything to me, and I would be lost without you. Don't let a second tick by that you think I would be better off without you. If you don't believe me, ask Sheli if I was ever happy before I met you. She will tell you I became a new woman when we met. I can't imagine life nor will I imagine life without you in it. And Sheli adores you. Don't think she doesn't for a single second. She would snatch you in a heartbeat if I ever let you go, and that will happen so she knows better. She was just as worried as I was when you disappeared. Everyone I called tonight was so concerned when you didn't show up home. They always tell me you are the best thing that ever happened to me and to never let you go. I always tell them that I never would. Baby, please for me, please let's see a therapist together, ok? We need to get over this together, ok?"
"I don't know honey, I love you so much too, but I don't think I can ever love myself".
"Why not sweetheart? What is there to not love about you?"
"Well, my dad always told me growing up, 'Love God and people first, put yourself always last'. He also said to always be humble".
"Darlin, I am sure your dad didn't mean to hate yourself. Yes, it is important to love God and people, but that doesn't mean to not love yourself. Also, being humble doesn't mean to hate yourself. I can understand not bragging or flaunting yourself, but YOU my love are not like that at all. As a matter of fact, I think you are a bit too humble."
"I guess" Janet started to say and then was cut off by Donise.
"No, you more than guess baby. I mean it. You need to start to love yourself. It hurts me horribly when you hate yourself. Please, let's talk to a therapist together, ok, please?"
Janet sat and looked at Donise. She could see the pure love in her eyes. She could never say no to her and the fact she was hurting her tore at her even more.
"OK honey, for you, I will try".
Donise swooped her into her arms and held her tight.
"Baby, thank you, I promise we will get through this together, ok? I love you so much and I am not going to lose you now that I finally found you" Donise told her.
"You won't honey, I promise you won't" Janet told her.
The two hugged and kissed for several minutes.
"Baby, why don't we stay here tonight? Let me call Sheli and let her know you are ok. Then I will make us a fire and we can sit and cuddle, ok?" Donise told her.
"Ok honey, I love you so much." Janet told her through tears.
"Oh baby, I love you more than you can ever know" Donise replied back.
Donise called her sister and explained the situation at which Sheli told her she was so relieved. She then told Donise she would handle letting everyone know they were ok.
Donise then took Janet into the cabin and made a nice fire. The two cuddled and made love in front of the fire as if they had just met.
Over the next several months, Janet and Donise went to a therapist and worked through Janet's problems. He explained while she might never be fully over the self-hate feelings, knowing what they were and why there were there gave her an advantage. He then told her whenever she had these self-hate feelings again, she should close her eyes, breath in and out slowly to push out the world, then to concentrate on the love and joy she has with Donise and all her friends now.