I was still lying on Charlie's bed when Matt came in the room and jumped on top of me.
"Get off of me!" I yelled.
"Charlie dared me to kiss you." He started leaning in. I pushed him off of me. In typical Matt fashion, he bounced on the bed then rolled off and hit the floor.
I laughed. "I didn't push you that hard."
He stood and tried to keep a straight face while he glared at me but he cracked and grinned. "Maybe you don't know your own strength." He walked to the door then turned back and gave me a sad look. "I was just going to kiss you on the cheek. It really wasn't that serious."
Matt stood by the door, waiting for me to say something. I couldn't tell if his feelings were genuinely hurt or if he was playing me, hoping that I would relent. I decided there was no harm in him kissing me on my cheek. "Okay, you can kiss me on the cheek, but if you try anything else I'll toss you on the floor again."
"Oh yeah, take charge, Sam. I like it." I laid there on the bed with my eyes open and waited for Matt to kiss me. He walked over quite slowly then sat next to me. "Close your eyes," he whispered. The way he said it made me nervous. I didn't trust him enough to give him that kind of access to my lips. I half expected him to try to climb on top of me again but he didn't. Instead, he rolled his eyes like my hesitancy was annoying him. "You can put your hand over your mouth since you don't trust me." I was about to lie and tell him that I did trust him, but he stopped me. "It's okay. I probably wouldn't trust me either. Just cover your lips so we can get this over with." I covered my mouth with my left hand and closed my eyes. Matt leaned in and pressed his lips firmly against my cheek. He left his lips there for a moment and took a deep breath, exhaling hot air that came out of his nostrils and warmed my cheek. He put his hand on my left hand and I thought he was going to try to pull it away but he didn't. His fingers gently caressed my skin as they sailed down my forearm to my elbow then up to my shoulder and over my t-shirt before landing on my neck. It felt wrong. Very wrong. My eyes shot open. I wiggled away from him causing his lips to finally lose contact with my skin and I sat up, causing his arm to fall from my neck and land in my lap, which made me jump off the bed.
Matt opened his eyes and looked at me and I stood there awkwardly looking back at him. "What the hell was that?" I asked.
"I was kissing you on your cheek."
"Did you have to touch me like that?"
He got a far away look in his eyes, "I didn't mean anything by it." He stood on the other side of the bed. "I'm sorry. It was just supposed to be a joke. I guess I took it too far." He paused then said, "I'll leave."
It was obvious that he was being sincere. "It's okay," I whispered. "You don't have to leave." I walked around the bed as calmly as I could and I stopped right next to him and opened my arms. He grabbed me and cried on my shoulder for a few minutes. Then he started laughing.
I thought I had been conned so I pushed him away. "Why are you laughing?"
"I was coming up here to play a joke on you and look how it worked out. I'm standing here, crying like a baby and thinking about things I'd rather forget."
"Things like what?" I asked.
He let go of me and stepped back. "Just things," he said. He wiped his face and tried to erase the tears.
I wasn't going to push him any further. "Let's go find Charlie."
"He's not lost. He went outside so he could argue with his girlfriend."
"She's here?"
"No, she's on the phone."
"Oh."
We stood there for a moment. I tried to think of something else to say but I kept drawing blanks. Matt said, "Fine, I admit it."
"Admit what?"
"Charlie didn't dare me to come up and kiss you on the cheek. I thought of that on my own. Speaking of which, you might want to go to the bathroom and wipe the lipstick off of your face."
"What lipstick?" Matt puckered his lips and I noticed that they were redder than usual. "Matt!"
He giggled. "I was bored, what was I supposed to do?" I wanted to ask him where he got the lipstick from but that seemed like a waste of a question because the real question was whether he was okay or not. It seemed he had spent a good part of the afternoon bouncing around emotionally. He was up then he was down, then he was up then he was down. I wasn't sure if I should hug him again or playfully push him away. I didn't have to pick one because he sat on Charlie's bed. "Don't look at me like that."
I hadn't realized I was giving him a look. "Like what?"
"Like you're trying to figure out if I've lost it. I mean you of all people! How can you look at me like that? I'm fine. I just have been taking a break from my medicine but if I'm at the point where even you are giving me that look then I guess I should take them." He reached in his pocket and pulled out a kleenex. "I've been keeping these with me since last night. I felt fine. I still do, but I must not be." He opened the kleenex then looked at me. "Am I?" I couldn't respond. He shook his head and snickered. "I take that as a no." He stood. "I'll be back."
"I'll go with you." It was clear that being alone was the last thing Matt needed.
I followed him to the kitchen and he walked around like he owned it. He fixed himself a glass of water and I watched him take his pills. He stared at me for a few minutes then he whispered, "I hate needing them."
"Me too," I whispered.
"Why can't we be normal?" he asked. "What did we ever do to deserve this?"
His questions weren't new, but I still didn't have a good answer for them. "I don't know."
He paced back and forth by the sink then he suddenly stopped and said, "I really do think Brian is cute though. I could see myself in his arms. He seems like a really sweet guy. I mean yeah he's going through some shit right now but you can tell he's going to be okay. I don't know, maybe I just want somebody to hold me." He laughed. "Who the hell am I trying to kid? I want somebody to fuck me!" He sat on the floor and buried his head in his hands. A few seconds later I heard sniffling.
I really wanted Charlie to come in the house because I knew I wasn't equipped to handle Matt in his condition. I didn't know what to say or do and that made me feel inadequate and like a failure. I had thoughts of grabbing a knife out of the drawer and cutting myself. "Matt." He kept crying. "Matt." I realized that he wasn't going to respond to me so I walked over to him and put my hand on his shoulder. He jumped a little then relaxed. I sat down next to him. "Is there anything I can do?" I asked.
He moved his hands and looked at me. "Can you make the pain go away?" I looked down at the floor. "Yeah, I didn't think so." He put his hands on his head and rubbed for a few seconds then chuckled. "I wish I could just cut myself and let go of some of these things." His hands slid down his face then the fingertips of his middle fingers stopped at this chin. All he needed to do was close his eyes and he could pray. "I'm pathetic." He stated it as if it was a fact that he was affirming.
"No, you're not."
"Yes I am. I'm pathetic. I'm sitting here thinking about how good I'll feel if I cut myself but I'm too pathetic to get up and do it because I'm afraid of what you'll think."
I tried to suppress my smile. I had been having the same thoughts minus the pathetic part. I wanted to cut myself and fix the problems that I was having but I kept trying to rationalize things and tell myself that the problems would still be there afterwards. I found myself saying, "Cutting doesn't solve anything. It masks the pain for a few minutes but the pain always comes back."
Matt smiled. "I'm not going to do it. I'm just saying that it would make me feel better a lot faster than the pills." He put his hand on my arm. "Don't tell Charlie."
"I won't."
He sighed. "I talk all my big talk about being done with hurting myself and I'm so proud" he turned his arm over and looked at the noticeable scars, "that all my scars have healed but I have to fight with myself everyday to keep from making new ones. It shouldn't be this hard."
"It's going to be hard for a while. Dr. Conley keeps reminding me of that but we'll both be okay. I'm sure some day our left over scars won't have the power to seduce us or taunt us with temporary answers to our long term problems." I instinctively started tracing one of his scars. "I know you said they represent times when you couldn't handle what was going on, but why don't you try looking at them as what they are. They're proof that even the deepest wounds can get better. Yes some of them left traces behind, but all of them are old and none of them can hurt you anymore."
"I remember why I did that one." He pulled his arm away. I waited for him to elaborate. He smiled at me then traced the same scar I had traced. "Some people have Hallmark ornaments, I have these," his finger traced another place on his arm then he smirked. "I guess we're both marked," he joked. He turned serious again. "Let's go find Charlie before I completely fall apart." We both stood. "Wait. Let me get that lipstick off of you first." He wet a paper towel and put a little dishwashing liquid on it and cleaned my face. When he was done, he dried my face with another paper towel. "Now you don't look so ridiculous," he stated.
We walked outside and found Charlie sitting on the hood of his car. He was red. Matt ran to him and wrapped his arms around him. I watched Charlie clutch Matt in his arms and cry. Charlie had always been so strong except for when it came to one person. I knew Janet had done something, and judging by the fact that Charlie's cell phone was in pieces on the ground, whatever Janet had done was big.
Charlie shook violently and said, "She left me again."
"Who left you?" Matt asked.
I answered for Charlie, "Janet."
"Who's Janet?"
"She's a bitch. That's who she is," Charlie said. "She's a stupid bitch who never loved me."
I put my hand on his shoulder. "What did she do?"
"She dumped me. Again!" He looked at me with water filled eyes. "Can you fucking believe it? Things were going so well this time. We weren't even fighting! I don't know what changed in the last couple of hours."
Matt started pulling Charlie towards the house. "Come on, let's go inside and you can tell me what happened."
Charlie pulled away and wiped his eyes. He walked to the side of his car. "I just need to be alone." He opened his car door. "I'm going for a drive. I'll be back."
"Maybe I should go with you," Matt said.
Charlie snapped at him, "No! I just want to be alone. Can't you fucking stay here and give me some space?" Matt took a step back and fell silent. Charlie shook his head, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that. I just need to be by myself."
Matt nodded. Charlie got in his car and sped away while Matt and I watched. I wondered what Janet had done to him. I hated her for making him cry and for putting that hurt look in his eyes. Matt ran in my house and I followed him. He went to the kitchen and began frantically pulling out drawers.
"What are you looking for?" I asked. I knew the answer but I wanted him to say it.
"He yelled at me," he said.
Matt pulled out the drawer I knew he was looking for and stopped. He stared at the contents. I stood quietly watching him. I felt terribly uncomfortable and completely lost. I desperately wanted to say something but words eluded me like water in the desert. I didn't know how to stop him, so I waited for it to happen.
He reached in the drawer and pulled out a steak knife, "I could use this. I could place it against my skin and drag it across, applying just enough pressure to draw blood, but not enough to bleed for long. I know how to do that, you know? I can cut enough to bleed for a minute or two or enough to bleed until I apply a lot of pressure to make it stop." He pressed the tip of the knife against his fingertip. "If I push a little harder, I can prick my finger then I can squeeze it and make it bleed more than necessary." Matt looked defeated. "This day is all wrong," he said. I froze. I wanted to run to him and snatch the knife out of his hand, but I couldn't. He pulled the knife away from his finger and waved the knife at me then he asked, "Did you use a knife like this one?"
I told him the truth, "I used all kinds of things."
He sighed and dropped the knife back in the drawer. "Me too. I hurt myself however I could, with whatever was available." He closed the drawer and looked at me. "I'm not going to do it. Not again. I've come too far to travel back down that road. It doesn't lead to anywhere good."
I knew the road well. In fact, I was still standing at the end of that very road trying to figure out which way to go. I didn't want to go back down it either, but sometimes I felt it pulling me backwards as I struggled to pull myself forward. "I'm glad you didn't do it," I told him.
"Me too." He walked by me. "Let's go watch tv or something."
We ended up sitting next to each other on the sofa, staring at our reflections in the television because I hadn't turned on the tv. We didn't talk or move. We just sat there, watching ourselves sitting on the sofa. I was wondering what Matt was thinking. He had come so close to losing it but he somehow found the strength to talk himself away from the edge. I was impressed by him and certain that it would take a lot to put him back on that old depressing road that once owned him.
I relished the silence because it covered my inability to think of something appropriate to say to Matt. The silence that usually tormented me with thoughts of things I shouldn't do began to sooth me instead. I sat there thinking about Matt and going over all the different things that had happened to him that day.
The doorbell rang. "The boyfriend is back," Matt said.
I tried not to run to the door, but I still got there pretty quickly. I opened the door and Tom wrapped his arms around me and started kissing me. It took a moment for me to remember that the door was still open. I giggled and pushed him away. "At least let me close the door." He closed the door for me and put his arms around me again. I put my arm between us. "Tom, we're not alone."
He kissed me. "I don't care."
If my parents had been home, I probably would have stopped him, but only Matt was there so I gave in and lowered my arm. Tom's lips made mine feel good, so good in fact that my brain decided to take a siesta on a soft cloud. Tom started pulling me closer and closer until our bodies seemed to melt together. I was so engrossed in Tom that I didn't notice Matt sneak up on us.
I was startled by Matt's voice, "Hi Matt, nice to see you again. Are you feeling better? I may be kissing my boyfriend right now, but don't think I didn't notice you standing there." He paused then continued, "Why Tom how sweet of you. Yes, I'm feeling quite dandy darling. Carry on."
Tom broke our kiss and laughed against my lips. He gave me a sweet peck then turned to Matt, "Hi Matt. Are you feeling better?"
"Yes, I am. Sam knew exactly what to do." Matt winked at me.
Tom's hand crept down my back, "Yeah, I bet he did."
"Ew. Get your mind out of the gutter," Matt said.
"My mind isn't in the gutter."
Matt smirked. "If you had heard the way you said that, I think you'd agree that your mind is in the gutter. `Yeah, I bet he did,'" Matt mocked. "All that was missing was you tonguing him down after you said it."
"Well, I didn't mean it how it sounded."
Matt grinned. "Yes you did! But it's okay, I'd be all over Sam too if he was my boyfriend. I definitely would have fucked that little ass of his by now or let him fuck mine. Whichever he wanted. I aim to please."
Tom very politely said, "You can't say things like that."
"Why not? Nothing is ever going to happen between us. Except in my dreams. You should be flattered that I think your boyfriend is hot and that he likes to frolic around naked in my head, but even there, I tell him that he cannot seduce me because we are friends and he's Tom's boyfriend and Charlie's brother and all sorts of other reasons. They never work though. I mean he's always all over me, but at least I try to stop him."
"Matt, if anyone but you had said that to me, I'd probably lay them out. What is up with you today?"
"I'm horny. I'm under-medicated. I'm bored. I'm a little angry. I'm having flashbacks of some things I'd rather forget. I'm feeling very emotional. I was rejected by Brian, but I'll get him, don't worry. I was pushed off the bed by Sam. I was yelled at by Charlie. I was completely ignored by you and Sam and I'm sure there are other things too."
"So you're having a bad day?" Tom asked.
"Bad doesn't begin to describe it." Matt looked at me then turned back to Tom. "Tom, will you take me home? Maybe I'll feel better after I lay down."
"Why can't Charlie take you home?"
"Charlie's gone. His girlfriend dumped him so he took off."
"Oh. Okay. I'll take you home then." Tom sounded happy.
Matt called him on it. "Wow Tom, do you even care that Charlie's heart is broken?"
"I care a little, but I'm not torn up about it. I mean he is the same guy who tried to keep me from Sam."
"Okay, let's go with that idea then. Imagine if Charlie wasn't involved at all and one day Sam told you he didn't want to be with you anymore. Tom, imagine if Sam dumped you, how would you feel?"
Tom had a vacant look in his eyes for a moment, as if even the thought of me leaving him was too much for his brain to bear. "I would feel like my life was over, but that's not the same as Charlie's situation. He and Janet have always been on and off." Tom stared at me then made an odd expression. "You know it hurts just to think about you leaving me? What would I do without you?"
I said, "That's how Charlie must be feeling. You've been around here enough to know how deeply Charlie loves Janet."
"What do you guys want me to do? Should I be sad for him?"
Matt replied, "You could at least pretend to care."
"I do care. Some. Just not as much as you guys do. If Charlie had put either of you through what he put me through, you'd understand."
"Tom, he tried to keep me from you, but I forgave him. Everything he did, he did out of love. He thought he was doing what was best, but he was wrong. Janet is one of the people who helped him see that."
"I know and I don't hate him anymore, but I'm not his biggest fan either."
"This conversation is pointless," Matt said. "Are you guys ready to go?"
"Yeah."
Matt grabbed his things and we loaded up in Tom's car and drove towards school. We rode in silence. I stared out the window and soon I was lost in the memory of Tom kissing me before he closed the door and the feel of his body as he held me and pulled me as close to him as I could get with clothes on. I replayed the scene over and over in my head, carefully memorizing each detail, from the way his eyes looked at me when I opened the door, to the hungry way his lips attacked mine to the desperateness in the way he held me and even his scent, which seemed intoxicating. If Matt hadn't been there, Tom could have had me because I wouldn't have stopped him from doing whatever he wanted.
Matt hit me on the back of my head. "Stop thinking about sex," he said.
"I'm not," I protested.
"I was watching you in the mirror! You had a dreamy look on your face and a goofy smile. I know what you were thinking about."
"I was thinking about kissing Tom."
"And the thoughts stopped at just kissing?" I blushed. "Yeah, that's what I thought," Matt said. I may have imagined it, but it seemed like Tom sped up after that. A couple of minutes later, we were pulling in front of Matt's foster home. Matt got out. "I'll see you guys tomorrow." He held his door open and leaned his head in. "So is tonight the night? Are you guys going to have sex?"
Tom responded, "Goodbye Matt."
"Ooh, I take that as a yes!" Matt smiled and closed the door.
"We're not going to have sex tonight," Tom said to me as he pulled back on the road. I wanted to ask him why not, but I stared out the window instead. I felt his hand on my thigh. "I know your family will be home soon, so do you want to go to my place for a few minutes?"
"To hang out?"
"I was kind of hoping to make out."
I laughed. "Yeah we can do that. When are your parents going to be home?"
"They're both going to be late. My father is having drinks with some friends one of my mother's patients is in the hospital so she's there running tests." His hand kept moving up my thigh until he found what he was searching for and gave it a squeeze. His hand suddenly moved away. "Have you eaten dinner yet?"
"No."
"Since I forgot the ice cream, let me take you out to eat." He reached for my hand. "I want to wine and dine you," he paused, "and then have my way with you." He kissed the back of my hand. "God I love you, Sam!" We were at a red light, so he leaned in for a kiss. We kissed until someone blew their horn and we realized the light had changed.
I thought he was joking about the wine and dine part, but he pulled in to the parking lot of Borangi's and I realized he was really taking me somewhere nice. "You don't have to spend this much money on me," I told him. "Fast food would have been fine. I could have gotten a salad with low-cal dressing or something."
"This isn't just for you. I want to sit in a decent restaurant and look across the table at that beautiful face of yours. Plus I've been dying to try their Mondo Burger."
I laughed. "When you come to places like this, you're not supposed to eat burgers. That defeats the purpose."
"No it doesn't. Burgers are on the menu and their burgers are way better than any fast food place. Their burgers are big and juicy and delicious."
"Well it's your money so you can get whatever you want."
He held my hand as we walked to the door, then he held the door for me. As soon as we were in the restaurant, he held my hand again. The host noticed, and I almost smiled as I watched him steal glances at our hands. There was only a five minute wait for a table. Tom held my hand the entire time.
A waiter led us to our table. Tom pulled my seat out for me. I thanked him and sat down. He was looking at me like I was the greatest thing he had ever seen. He sat down, but he continued to stare at me. It actually made me feel uncomfortable. "Why are you looking at me like that?" I asked.
"Because you're beautiful. All that talk earlier about losing you made me think about how much I love you. Just to be here with you is incredible."
I was tempted to ask him if he was referring to me being at a restaurant and actually planning on eating, but I knew how he was so I knew he would construe it as me ruining the moment. I opted to ignore it. I glanced at my menu and quickly saw what I wanted. "I think I'm going to get the Cobb Salad."
"You can order whatever you like, but make sure you leave room for dessert, because you're sharing a piece of strawberry cheesecake with me."
I started to tell him that he knew I couldn't order anything then because half of a slice of strawberry cheesecake was enough calories by itself, but the way he was looking at me and making me feel, quickly pushed that thought away. I decided I was going to give him exactly what he wanted, which was me eating normally, with no comments or complaints. I smiled and said, "Okay, it's a deal."
"It's not that many calories," he said. "You can eat both. I mean I'm letting you order a salad and I'm not saying"
It was obvious he had prepared his defense because he had assumed I would say no. I cut him off. "I said okay."
"You did? Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm sure. I haven't eaten since lunch and I'm a growing boy, right?" I could tell I had surprised him.
"You never cease to amaze me," he said. I smiled because I never wanted to either. I wanted Tom to always look at me like I was something great. When he looked at me like that, I forgot to be sad. I still didn't think I deserved it, but I found myself being completely satisfied by his love.
Copyright Lustyville 2010
Please send comments to lustyville@yahoo.com. Read more of this story or check out my other stories at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/lustyville and my website at www.lustyville.com.
Lucas and Lionel by LT Ville available now.