Author's note: This is another chapter of my story, at last. Here's one warning: it is completely selfish and self-centered but I had to do it. I added some smut so you can enjoy that bit, LOL. The title turned out to be a big joke because I intended to write a completely different thing, but this is what came out. I would really appreciate your opinions, drop me a line at: jc.chasez@gmx.net or rick_chasez@mtv.com
Dedication: I don't believe in many things, but now I believe in angels. I know at least three of them. One is JC, if there is a heaven, then he somehow came from there to light up my life. The second, is my mother ::smiles:: it would bore you to hear the reasons, but I think that everyone has his/her guardian angel in the form of a mother. Simply, there's no other love like that. And the third one, is Dara. Baby, I don't know why Casey says you're the devil, you're one of the the sweetest people I've known. Sadly, out of the three, the only one that will ever read this is Dara, so, honey, this is for you. Thanks for your help and your support. Red, I'm so glad you're back! And to my new friends, Alec, Jericho, Carmen, Cindy. Jamaal, FX, Piper and my Jrok baby.
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Join the NsyncSlashChronicles http://www.egroups.com/group/nsyncslashchronicles/ Visit Red's website: http://www.slashygoodness.com/ Read the following stories: "Chosen Road", "Hide in Plain Sight", "Chances Are", "Can't fight the moonlight", all of Jericho's stories, wheew.
Ok, a final note before the story, the required disclaimer: The following story is not true. Not claiming anything. C'est que vous allez lire n'est pas vrai. Die folgende Geschichte ist nicht wahr. La historia a continuacion es un invento de mi imaginacion. (I should work in the UN...)
TEARING UP MY ASS Chapter 5 - More of JC's past.
By Rick
Dear Diary:
Last time I told you about how I fell in love with Tony and how it didn't come out right. After it was over, I was just kinda depressed. I had all those negative thoughts and feelings. Then I met Justin. But well... that took a long time to develop. Here we are, almost six years later. A lot of things went on during these six years, but I don't know where to start. I have to admit that when Justin came into my life, it was like the first ray of light after a terrible storm. It makes you smile and you think of the possibilities, you feel warm again. That sort of feeling... Still, I didn't have a real sexual thought about him until much later. At first, I just thought I had found another little brother, since mine was living so many freaking miles away. Of course destiny is what got us together and I just hope that it has a whole life together ahead planned for us. I just sometimes feel so insecure. If it wasn't for the guys, I don't know what I'd do... I find it terribly difficult to picture my life if I wasn't in Nsync. You know what? Maybe I'd be living with Rick; he could have been the love of my life. Where did that come from? I hadn't thought about him in months... I think I'm going to call him and tell him how happy I am, I hope he's doing great too. So I guess now I have to tell the story, right? Well, there's no big story, it just happened and it was the first time I didn't think things three times through before doing them. The MMC got cancelled and there I was, back at home and ready to start a normal life, or was I? I guess not... The first month I was all down, how could it happen? I thought I was good, people liked my singing and dancing... hmmm, ok, so I was getting vain. And then I met this guy who lived on my same block. I was sitting on the porch one day, just watching the grass grow. He was skating and when he passed by my house, he waved. I smiled and yelled hi, but when he turned to say hi, there was this small rock on the pavement... and there he went, right to the ground. It was funny, but I ran to see him when I saw he took his hands to his face. I thought he was crying, maybe he had broken his nose or something... When I got to where he was, I saw that he was actually laughing. I asked him if he was ok, but he couldn't stop laughing so I laughed too. We were laughing like idiots for five minutes or so. I helped him to get up and asked him to come into my house. I offered him a soda and he introduced himself. I said I was sorry because if I hadn't shouted, then he wouldn't have fallen. He said that it didn't matter because now we knew each other and winked. I felt my face getting all red and I asked him if had lived there for a long time. He said that he had moved in last month, so he was just getting to know the people around there. He said he had seen me when I arrived and my family got together to throw a welcome party. He also said that he had heard about my participation in the MMC and he wanted to meet the local star. I kept blushing and felt dumber every minute. Then it was like those cartoons where the little bulb turns on and I realized that he was coming on to me. Of course I wasn't sure, so I said nothing. I don't know why, but that day I was home alone and I asked him to stay to have lunch. He said we could do all sort of fun stuff together and winked again! I was speechless but then he asked me if I had skates. I did, so he said that we should go outside then. That day stays on my mind because I forgot my previous worries. I was back to a regular life and with a good friend. Rick and I ate all kinds of junk, then we went back to my house and I said I wanted to take a shower. He said he would scrub my back and I was like... what? But he laughed and said he was joking, and that he was going home. I asked him not to go and told him he could borrow some clothes of mine. I really didn't want him to leave. He agreed and after I showered, he went in but first he got naked in front of me. I was thinking that this guy was too forward... but hell, I was also enjoying the show, so I kept my mouth shut. The rest of the day we spent just watching TV and chatting, he made me laugh a lot. Each day I looked forward to meet him and we also called each other at night. My mother gave me odd looks because she said that it wasn't usual for two boys to talk for three hours on the phone after spending all day together. Of course it wasn't but I didn't care. And it wasn't usual either to hug him so much, or for him to put his arms around my waist, or to rest my head on his lap while we watched TV alone, or to hold our hands together. We both were playing dumb. Until one day... I couldn't find him all day and to be honest, I was getting desperate. The night came and I kept calling his house. His mother maybe wanted to kill me, but I couldn't believe her. He had to be there. I was sure he was refusing to answer. The next day was the same. The third day, I was pulling my hair out. I went to the store and I saw him buying some stuff. I ran and yelled his name, but he didn't stop. I got angry and ran faster to catch up with him. I grabbed his shoulder and he finally stopped. I asked him what was wrong. He said, nothing. Then why are you avoiding me? I asked. He said he wasn't. But he wouldn't look at me. I felt the tears about to burst. I asked him if he had any problems or if I had done anything bad. He just said that he had to go. I simply couldn't take it and I broke down. Right there on the street. I started crying and fell to my knees. I saw his face and he had the most painful look I've ever seen. He started crying too and took my hands to help me get up. He hugged me tight and told me not to cry. Then he asked me why did I have to make it so difficult. I was puzzled. I couldn't understand what was he talking about. We sobbed on each other's shoulders and he asked me to forget about him and go on with my life. Then I was mad, why in hell was he acting like that? I told him how angry I was, because there was no valid reason for him to tell me to just walk away. He said that there was a very good reason, but he didn't want me to hear it. I said I could understand whatever problem he had, but he couldn't just tell me to stop being his friend. He said I was giving him no choice, he was going to tell me, and that way I was going to know he was right. And he blurted it out, I love you. I told him I loved him too, of course. He told me he was in love with me, deeply, the kind of love that is not allowed between two guys. At first I remained silent... I had been secretly hoping for that moment but somehow it still struck me to hear the words. His eyes reflected fear of what I was going to say. I looked into them and lost myself. I had been longing for that and he was all I had at that moment. I decided it was the time for a new start in my life. I love you too, I said. The same way, no holds barred. It's difficult to describe what happened next... how a look of pain, suffering and fear turns into a mix of happiness, excitement and bliss. Like sunshine coming through dark clouds. He asked me to tell him that I wasn't joking. I said that I had never been more serious in my life. With his finger he touched my nose and then he ran it over my forehead, my cheek and my lips. I still remember it like it happened yesterday, how could you forget the first time you really fall in love? He said I was the most perfect human being on Earth. I couldn't help but to blush and smile, why would he say that? Of course I wasn't or am perfect. He said that in his eyes, in his heart and in his soul, I was and would ever be, no matter what. The tears started flowing, I was so unprepared to hear that. As I recall his words, they still make me cry a little. I felt the same for him at the moment and right now that's how I feel about Justin. Can you love two men the same way? I guess not, you can love each one to the limit, but in a different way and not at the same time. That evening, we went to his house and we spent hours just enjoying each other's company. He was holding me in his arms the whole time and I felt so warm and so loved, finally. I shared with him many "firsts". It was the first time I felt completely in love and fully loved back. The first time I expected to spend the rest of my life with someone. The first time I decided to tell my parents that I was gay. They weren't pleased but were supportive. I guess they figured it had something to do with my stay in Florida and the "show business" deal. We also shared some first sexual experiences. I was the first man he was ever with and he was my first time being the top. With Tony I was always the bottom because he said his ass was "exit only". The first time we were together, we managed to go to a house one of my uncles had in the woods, near a lake. Rick didn't want to go, because he said he hated the wilderness and that I had to take the TV with us if I wanted him to come. I laughed and told him that we wouldn't need the TV while we were there, because I was going to provide him all the entertainment he could need. He couldn't erase his grin all day. With the money from the MMC, I had bought a small car. I didn't want anything fancy, only something to drive. So we took my car and we went to this place. I was amused because Rick couldn't stop complaining. He's just like that. If the car was too small, if the road was too bad, if the weather was too hot. I stopped the car and just grabbed his face. I told him to shut up and kiss me. I threatened to not kiss him again if I heard one more complaint. And it worked! We got to the place and we unpacked our stuff. We went to the lake for a little while and we had great fun. Nobody was out there so we were able to be ourselves. Back in the house, he cooked. He was very good at that, maybe I wouldn't be in this shape if we were still together. Justin can't even boil water, he's a mess, all his clothes are lying around the room and he won't pick up a single thing. I hate that... but I digress. After the meal, we sat on the couch and I rested my head on his lap. He stroked my hair and told me that his only wish was to be like that forever. After a while, I took him in my arms and we kissed for a long time. Feeling each other's bodies, not naked but just cuddling. Until that evening, we had done some sucking, but always rushing so no one could see us. This time was different, we didn't need to hurry and we wanted it to last. We finally took our clothes off and felt our skin touching, chest against chest and our dicks fighting. We went to the bedroom and laid on the bed, me over him. I licked his entire body, starting kissing his face and then leaving marks on his neck. I paused at his chest to nibble is nipples, they were hard and felt rubbery. My journey went on and I followed the path of his navel, down his treasure trail... but I wanted to tease him. I got to his rock hard cock and just ran my lips over it barely brushing. He was moaning and rocking his hips. He wanted me to suck him, but he had to be a little punished for being bitchy in the morning. So I parted his legs and then gave him kisses all over his legs. He was about to start whining but I reminded him of my threat in the morning. Then I knew how to make him behave! While running my hands over his thighs, I lapped at his balls. It was funny to see how he squirmed at the touch of my tongue. I teased him again just using my nose to touch his cock, but this time he took me by surprise. He turned us around and in the blink of an eye he was sitting on my chest. He grabbed my wrists and from God knows where, he got a large handkerchief (later he confessed he had planned this ahead) and he tied me! I was perplexed, I was supposed to be the one in charge! He put his lips on mine and kissed me hard, but as I was getting more into it, he started backing off until I couldn't reach him. I was about to protest and he told me that two could play the same game. If I said one word complaining, he would just leave me like that and go to sleep in the living room. I was more amused than upset by this, and also very horny, so I shut my mouth. He gave small bites on the neck and shoulders, then he licked one of my armpits. I was amazed, because I knew he had never been with another man, yet he was making me feel like he was a pro. It tickled a lot, but I couldn't say anything. He knew what I was feeling and he was enjoying it. I just groaned and swore. Then he took my nipples in his mouth and not only sucked them but also ran his teeth over them. I was squirming on the bed so much. He spread my legs and lifted them. Then he began to lick my asshole. I was moaning and panting. He inserted one of his fingers inside my ass and fucked me with it. He touched my prostate and I saw little stars. By this time, I was ready to lose it and when he took my dick in his mouth, I felt like I could explode. I was just on the verge of feeding him everything I had, when he let my cock drop out of his mouth. It was like falling from a skyscraper. I screamed and felt ready to kill him. But then I felt him untying me and he whispered in my ear that it was my turn and he wanted me inside him. I wanted to jump him and fuck him silly, but I also loved him and didn't want to hurt him in any way, besides this was his first time and I wanted it to be special. We began kissing hungrily again and this time I pinned him to the bed because I didn't want more games. I made him turn around and took a look at his butt. I had been waiting for what seemed like ages. I licked his back and then kissed those sweet buns. I finally parted them and gave him a small lick. He let out a long moan and I knew he really wanted this. I lapped at his pink pucker some more and finally got it loose to insert a finger. His groans made me realize he was now experiencing some pain, but when I asked him if he wanted me to stop, he said that he had never been surer of doing anything and to go ahead. By that time I was completely worked up and when he took two of my fingers, I couldn't wait anymore and used some lubricant we had brought with us to coat my cock. He was again lying back on the bed, face to face with me. I took his legs and put them on my shoulders. I placed the tip at his opening and asked him to try and relax. To push out some and it happened. It started going inside him giving me infinite pleasure. I saw him grimacing and stopped. He moved his hips trying to get more of me inside him. I grinned and pushed a little more. I didn't stop until I saw I was completely buried. I let him get used for a while and then started rocking back and forth with long soft strokes. His mouth was open and his eyes closed. I leaned over him and kissed his forehead, then he opened his eyes and I saw his adoration of me. My eyes began to tear and we engaged in another kissing session. This was a real highlight in my life. I didn't last much longer after that. I came inside him and felt his cum between us when I pressed my body to his. We recovered after a couple of hours sleeping and cuddling. Then it was his turn to do me. It felt so different to the way Tony had done it. He had just fucked me and Rick made love to me. When we came back from that trip, our bonds were stronger and we felt we were ready to do anything and face anything. We were so wrong. He had it all figured out. He said that he wanted me to look pretty and sing to him every day, and in exchange, he would work and support us. I laughed so hard when he said that, I actually fell off the bed. I told him I couldn't do that. I wanted to study and be a professional musician. But I agreed on the singing part. His favorite song was "Now and Forever", so every night we spent together, I would sing it to him before he slept. He came out to his family and told them we were together. I was with him and it was a very hard time. His father was very angry and just left, he said he was going out so he wouldn't hit Rick. I cried for him. Her sister was taken aback, but not hostile. And his mother cried, but finally she said that she only wanted Rick to be happy and that if I made him happy, then it was ok with her. She hugged us both and we all cried for a while. Things were difficult for a while. Although his father didn't kick him out of the house, he didn't want to be in there more than necessary. We started planning on what college we could both study at. But then it happened; a moment of decision in my life. I received a call from Justin, telling me he had this proposal for me. He and some guys were forming a new group and he wanted me to be with them. When he told me, I couldn't answer him. Of course this was what I wanted, but it also meant some changes in my life with Rick... I didn't know if he was going to come with me or if I was going to be able to still be with him. We met in my house the next day and he was excited about this college in San Francisco where we could both go. I broke the news to him, I told him that I wanted to go to Florida to see if we could make it with this group. His eyes showed me his disappointment. He asked me if that's what I really wanted. I said that I did, but that I also loved him and wanted us to be together. He said that I had to realize that in order to succeed I would have to give up many things, like my privacy and that meant that we couldn't be together. I knew, but somehow I still hoped it could work. He told me he really wanted to go to that college and was hoping to live the rest of our lives together, but that it was my call. I didn't sleep for a week, trying to decide what was best. I could live a happy life with a guy or have a professional career and maybe lose him. I made my choice and I told him that I wanted him to come with me. He said that he really couldn't because he'd just be in my way, and that he loved me so much, he wanted me to be happy even if it wasn't with him. I went to Florida and he went to California. We called each other sometimes and I kept telling him how well things were going. I was so absorbed that I didn't notice he never told me how he was doing. Until this day, when I received a package. It was a picture of us, one of the few we had, and this letter. It just said:
Josh,
Until the day the ocean doesn't touch the sand
Now and forever, I will be your man
Rick
I sensed something was wrong and tried to call him. Later I found out that he had cut his wrists. I even flew to San Francisco to find him, but he was nowhere. It took me almost three months to find him again, I was desperate because I didn't know if he was dead or alive. I went to his house and his mother told me he was alive, but he didn't want to see anyone, she didn't even know where he was. She only knew he survived because he called her. Eventually he contacted me and asked me to forgive him. I couldn't bear the guilt, but he told me that he had to deal with the problem himself and that he didn't want me by his side out of pity. I mean, I loved the man, why was he telling me that? Why did he keep pushing me aside? But anger won and I left. We keep being friends and I tell him everything, so does he. I told him when I realized I was in love with Justin. He also moved on, he lives with a French guy called Filip. So the real question now is, will the story with Justin have the happy ending we both deserve? I wish I knew.
Josh.
------------------------------------------------------------------------ Feedback? Please?
-- ---[ Rick ]-----------------------------------------------------------
Das Leben ist wie ein Kinderhemd: kurz und beschissen ----------------------------------------------[ jc.chasez@gmx.net ]---