Tell Me Why

_______________________________ Disclaimer

This story is completely fictional and does not indicate that Kevin Richardson of the Backstreet Boys or any of the Backstreet boys are homosexual. If you are under 18 you should not be reading this story so...dont. -------------------------------

Tell Me Why part 4

I broke apart from the hug. I felt so bad for Kevin. I felt so guilty for blaming this all on him. Thats just like me. I always blamed others when I got hurt. Kevin always blamed himself. I sat back down on my couch, I didn't know just what to do. I'm not used to being so emotional. That was the truth. I had avoided my stronger emotions ever since that night he walked away. I avoided the pains and pleasures of love by avoiding falling in love or even dating other men. I always had an excuse. I'm not ready. I'm not up to it. I'm not dating material. Now my emotions were back. Kevin brought them back. Brian brought them back. I brought them back. And now that they were here I didn't know what to do with them. They wouldn't fit back in my 'closet'. That was a term Ashley had given me. It wasn't just the gay closet. It was my closet where I kept everything hidden to protect myself from others. I had real problems with insecurity.

Kevin - "I'm so sorry for any pain I've caused you." His words were very low and quite. It took a while to get them out. That was something about Kevin. You could always tell how he was feeling by how he talked. When he was happy his voice was a little faster and maybe a bit higher. When he was aroused, he always talked really shyly and clumsily like he was ashamed of it. I could tell by his voice how deeply shaken he felt. He wasn't as ready as he thought he'd be.

Rich - "Where do we go from here? Are we gonna stay in touch?" I hope I didn't sound too eager. Cause I really wasn't. Well, maybe a little, but I was unsure about it. Five years of hatred is hard to wash away with thirty minutes of compasion and understanding.

Kevin - "I'd love for it...I mean, I'd love if you wouldn't mind..."

Rich - "Any time now."

Kevin - "What I'm trying to say is that, if you wouldn't mind, I would love to be friends again." I dont really know what I thought of that. There was a chance...maybe. Well....There was a chance I was hoping he'd make a move on me. I knew he couldn't. I also knew I couldn't. But I wanted to. That was clear now. And I senced that maybe he was thinking the same thing.

Rich - "Sure...umm..ya."

Kevin - "What does that mean?" He seemed not to be crying anymore.

Rich - "I dont know. I dont know what to say. I wasn't expecting this. I wasn't ready for this. I have no idea what to do. I..I just want everything to be normal."

Kevin - "I know. Thats your thing."

Rich - "What?"

Kevin - "You 'need' to be normal. What you dont realize is that there is no such thing as normal. And what you think is normal is something you'll never be. And even if you were, you'd still want to be normal."

Rich - "Oh? Is that why you left?"

Kevin - "One of the reasons."

Rich - "Oh, so its my fault. I see. Yah."

Kevin - "No. Dont twist this around. I left because I knew you couldn't handle--"

Rich - "Couldn't handle what Kevin? You know if you tried and I tried and we both tried together we could have made it work. But no. You had to be my guardian. Well, I dont think I have any use for someone like that. As you can see I'm all grown up now. Come to think of it, thats why your here now isn't it?. Aside from feeling guilty, your here to check up on me and make sure I'm ok. I appreciate that Kevin. Well, looks like I'm just fine so you can leave now. See, I'm just...I'm fine.." My eyes were tearing up. I couldn't handle the stress. I wasn't used to the emotional escapade I was faced with. He came over to where I was sitting and sat next to me. Then he proceeded to wrap his arms around me. I pushed him away. I wanted to punch him and I wanted to hug him. I wanted to tell him to fuck off and I wanted to tell him how much I still loved him. Damn these emotions. He had moved a bit away from me. I guess he was a little hurt.

Kevin - "You want to know the truth? I dont know why I'm here. But I just needed to be here. You have to believe me. I'm not here to 'check up on you'. But, when I saw the chance to see you again I had to take it. Please just understand that."

Rich - "Kevin. I cant really handle all of this right now. I didn't sleep last night and I've had a lot of things on my mind lately. I cant do this right now. I need to take a break."

Kevin - "Oh, do you..well..should I leave now?" I could tell he didn't want to.

Rich - "You dont have to go. I just need to take a break from this. I was thinking a walk or something." I knew he was gonna ask so I just got it out of the way, "You can come if you want." He perked up.

Kevin - "Yah sure!" He got a little nervous, "I mean..you know..I wouldn't mind". He was like a little schoolgirl on her first date. So adorable.

Rich - "I'll go see if Brian wants to come." He seemed disapointed. I walked back to my room. It seemed like Brian had been watching cartoons. "Hey Bri, you wanna go for a wal--," I stopped. There he lay fast asleep on my bed. He was such a kid. He hadn't changed one bit. I was glad for that. I walked back to Kevin in the living room.

Kevin - "So...He's coming?" Yep, he didn't want Brian tagging along. I wonder why...

Rich - "Oh, no, he's asleep. I didn't feel like waking him."

Kevin - "Oh, ok...So, where we going?"

Rich - "Hmmm..." I felt kinda embarrased. I wanted to go for ice cream. Adults go for ice cream, dont they?

Kevin - "What?"

Rich - "Uh...You like ice cream?" I smiled.

Kevin - "You bet! Oh wait. I didn't bring a hat or anything." Oh ya, he might be noticed.

Rich - "I have just the thing!" I reached into the closet. It was on the top shelf. One of those disguises with the nose, the glasses, and the eyebrows. I handed it to him. "Try it on." He laughed.

Kevin - "Umm, why do you have this? I mean...its kinda a kiddy thing."

Rich - "Its from this Halloween party thing I had."

Kevin - "Ok..." He smiled again.

Rich - "Oh, just try it on." He hessitated a bit, then placed it slowly on his face. He turned to me.

Kevin - "So....How do I look?" I burst out laughing. He play-pushed me and took it off.

Rich - "I'm sorry...its just...."

Kevin - "What? You enjoy me making an ass of myself?"

Rich - "No! Its just...It kinda blended in with your face. Eyebrows and all." I burst out laughing again. Oh man, I was horrible.

Kevin - "You are sooo immature." He grinned.

Rich - "Ya..well..your a big dufus." I heard a door open. It was Brian.

Brian - "Hey guys! Whats so funny?"

Rich - "You are. I think you need to fix your hair." It all seemed to lump to one side and curl.

Brian - "Leave my hair alone. Its better than yours anyways."

Rich - "What?"

Kevin - "Enough you two."

Brian - "Anyways....Can I talk to you for a sec?" He was talking to me.

Rich - "Go ahead."

Brian - "In private." I turned to Kevin.

Rich - "I'll be right back."

Kevin - "I wasn't exactly expecting you to slip out the back door."

Rich - "Ya, not till after you fall asleep." I was of course referring to his disapearing act. I dont know why that came out. I wasn't angry or anything at the time. He looked towards the ground. I was going to appologize but Brian was pulling on my arm. He led me back to my room.

Brian - "Whats going on with you two?"

Rich - "What do you mean by that? Nothings 'going on'."

Brian - "I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about....Are you two 'ok'?"

Rich - "I dont know what ok means. I'm very confused. I'm on stress overhaul."

Brian - "Well..I kinda have to meet Nick. He's going to get 'tested' and he needs me to be there."

Rich - "Tested as in...'tested'?"

Brian - "Ya, but it should be ok. He's careful and uses protection. Its just something he feels he needs to do."

Rich - "Thats cool. Your leaving now?"

Brian - "Is that ok? I mean, do you want me to bring Kevin back with me?"

Rich - "Actually, I was gonna go for a walk or something with him."

Brian - "Just like that?"

Rich - "Just a walk and nothing more"

Brian - "Thats how things start."

Rich - "This isn't a thing. Or whatever. Stop confusing me."

Brian - "Ok well...Have him home by twelve...And no kissing." I pushed him out into the hall.

Rich - "Just go before I hurt you."

Brian - "I think I could take you."

Rich - "Oh really?" I lifted him up by the armpits so his head touched the ceiling.

Brian - "PUT ME DOWN! RAPE!" As if on cue Kevin comes up.

Kevin - "Put him down. Your making a lot of noise."

Brian - "What? Are you jealous or something?"

Kevin - "Shut up Brian." He was mumbling as if I couldn't hear.

Brian - "Anyyywaaayyss...I have somewhere to go so I'll be seeing you guys."

Kevin - "What do you mean? Brian if your trying something--"

Rich - "He's not. Its ok. That gives 'us' time to catch up." I ignored the look Brian was giving me. He shrugged his shoulders and left without another word.

Kevin - "So...."

Rich - "Oh, I'm sorry about what I said earlier, it just sorta popped out."

Kevin - "No, its ok. I mean, I can understand your a little bitter with me." I didn't really like the way he was undermining my feelings. I wasn't a little bitter with him. Your a little bitter with someone when step on your foot or sneeze in your face. I wasn't sure what I was feeling towards him. But it wasn't that.

Rich - "Anyways....I'm kinda not up for ice cream anymore...but if you still want to--"

Kevin - "Whatever you want is for me." Yes. Thats exactly what I wanted to hear. I didn't feel like walking on the chance of being noticed by pop fans. And anyways, I felt more relaxed in my own home.

Rich - "So..."

Kevin - "So..."

Rich - "Awkward?"

Kevin - "Very."

Rich - "You wanna watch a movie or something?"

Kevin - "Whatever you...oh wait..I already said that...Umm.."

Rich - "Ugh, just say 'Yes Rich, I'd love to watch a movie'."

Kevin - "Yes Rich, I'd love--" I walked back to the living room and sat down on the couch facing the tv. Kevin sat down next to me. It was kinda a weird feeling. A weird 'good' feeling. I flipped through the channels as the bodyguard came on. It was just in the beggining.

Rich - "You've probably seen this movie like a million times, but whats a million and one?"

Kevin - "Ya. This is one of my favorite movies anyways."

Rich - "Me too." I yawned. I was struggling to keep my eyes open. Before I knew it I dozed off. I awoke just in time to see the end of the movie. It was when she was boarding the plane and the song 'I will always love' was in the backround. I was really warm and comfy. I suddenly realized why. My head was on Kevins shoulder right next to his neck, and my arms were around his waist. I didn't know what to do. I really liked it though and I didn't think Kevin minded so I stayed like that. I watched the movie as Whitney got off the plane and ran into the arms of the bodyguard. I love him. I love Kevin. And I'm here with him. Its all clear now. I knew a relationship with him right now would be pretty much impossible but I wanted to hold on to him for the moment. I could feel him breathing in and out. I held him closer and he realized I was wake. It was around 9 pm.

Kevin - "You sleep well?"

Rich - "Ya." I took my head off his shoulder. With my arms still around his waist, I reached over and gave him a kiss on the cheek. I couldn't see him, but as my lips left his face I could physically feel his smile. I had him again. I cant keep him. But..for now..he's mine again. He pulled his arms around me and held me just like I was doing to him.

Kevin - "I missed you so much."

Rich - "I missed you more. And I know I'll be missing you even more when you have to leave." I knew I would be crying soon.

Kevin - "I'm not leaving you. Not ever again."

Rich - "I love you."

Kevin - "You know I love you too."

Rich - "You gotta go back to your hotel pretty soon."

Kevin - "You wanna come?"

Rich - "I dont want to impose."

Kevin - "Isn't that what I'm doing?"

Rich - "I dont have five roomates."

Kevin - "What are you talking about? We dont all sleep together. It isn't ymca."

Rich - "You have your own room?"

Kevin - "Ya. Aj and Howie usually bunk together and Brian and Nick 'always' bunk together."

Rich - "Brian and Nick...anything going on there?"

Kevin - "No. I think they tried once, but they're just too close as friends to have a relationship."

Rich - "Do we have a relationship?"

Kevin - "If we dont...I'd like one." We were still holding each other.

Rich - "But...we aren't thinking logically are we?"

Kevin - "What do you mean?"

Rich - "I have my own life you have yours. I have a dayjob and your on tour. When would we see each other?"

Kevin - "I dont know. But..I.....I want this to work so much, and I know you do to."

Rich - "It didn't work last time."

Kevin - "Last time I was an idiot."

Rich - "And you say you've changed?"

Kevin - "I believe I have."

Rich - "Sleep here tonight."

Kevin - "Huh? Dont you think your moving a bit fast?"

Rich - "I didn't say you had to sleep in my bed."

Kevin - "Oh..."

Rich - "But I meant it anyways." I got up and stretched. "So...yes..no...what?"

Kevin - "I need to shower."

Rich - "So do I."

Kevin - "Now thats moving too fast."

Rich - "Relax. I have two showers."

Kevin - "Ok, so wheres mine?"

Rich - "You can use my bathroom. Its in my room." I walked away down the hall and into the main bathroom. I was starting to rethink everything that just happened. I stopped myself. I used my own simple logic. Feels good is good enough. I didn't know what it meant, but that was ok. I stripped down and hopped in the shower. OOOUUUCHH!! Freezing water poured all over my naked body. This shower always went cold when the other one was on. Thats why I let Kevin use the other one. I quickly soaped up, shampoo'd, and hopped out. I grabbed a towel and dried myself off. Freeeezzziiinnggg. I looked into the mirror. So Rich, you've got your man back. Now all you have to do is make this work. It sounded easy in my head. Hmmm...No clothes in here. They're all in my room. I wrapped the towel around my waist, got out of the bathroom, and snuck back into my room. Good, Kevin was still in the bathroom. I headed over to the closet and started looking for my robe. I didn't even notice Kevin come up behind me. He slipped his arms around my waist and kissed my neck. I backed away.

Kevin - "Did I do something wrong?"

Rich - "I dont know. But whenever I try something you say I'm moving too fast."

Kevin - "You dont have to be like me." I turned around.

Rich - "Hey! Thats 'my' robe."

Kevin - "Oh, sorry. I didn't think you'd mind."

Rich - "Its ok. I have another one in here somewhere." I looked on the right of the closet. He looked on the left.

Kevin - "I found it!" He pulled out the robe...oh wait..it wasn't the robe. It was the red pajamas.

Rich - "You probably think its weird, but I couldn't throw that away."

Kevin - "What do you mean? Why do you always think everything you do is thought of as weird? I dont think it is. I'm touched that you kept this. Why dont you wear them now?"

Rich - "No. They make me look like a little kid."

Kevin - "Come on. Please? I've never seen you wear them."

Rich - "Fine. You asked for it." I dropped my towel right there and started changing.

Kevin - "Whoa...." I pushed my head through the shirt and slipped on the pants.

Rich - "See. I look like Dennis the Mennace or something."

Kevin - "Not really. I dont think Dennis has quite a body like yours. How often do you work out?"

Rich - "I dont know. Usually 3 or 4 times a week. Whenever my friend Dan has the time."

Kevin - "Dan? What?"

Rich - "Oh. He's my friend. He's really athletic and he helps me stay in shape."

Kevin - "He strait right?"

Rich - "Well, he's bi."

Kevin - "Oh...so..have you two?"

Rich - "Never have, never wanted to, end of story."

Kevin - "Ok." He seemed pleased with my answer. I pulled him close to me and kissed him on the lips. I didn't want to move any further so I pushed him back causing him to fall on the bed. The belt to the robe came undone and he was all out. He picked up his robe and crawled underneath the covers. I layed down next to him and stared at the ceiling. He tucked me in with him and wrapped his arms around me.

Rich - "Goodnight Kevy."

Kevin - "Goodnight." He kissed the back of my head. We fell asleep.

Ok! Done with this section. I wasn't really sure of this story, cause I couldn't really think of anything. I had that writers block. Anyways, I dont think I did 'too' bad, so feel free to email me with what you thought at Richy@onebox.com Thanks for reading!