Article 46640 of alt.sex.stories: Message-ID: 164351Z09021995@anon.penet.fi Path: usenet.ufl.edu!mailer.acns.fsu.edu!darwin.sura.net!news.Vanderbilt.Edu!uunet!EU.net!news.eunet.fi!anon.penet.fi Newsgroups: alt.sex.stories X-Anonymously-To: alt.sex.stories Organization: Anonymous contact service Reply-To: an162461@anon.penet.fi Lines: 646
I didn't write the document, I only find it somewhere in the net.
As ever all comments are appreciated and flames goes to /dev/null.
Enjoy the tale.
Ciao
Nostrumo >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> cut here with a sharp knife <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
Kelly
Kelly's story is, in many ways both typical and atypical in the trans- sexual community. I met Kelly, then in her mid-forties, when "he" was presenting a work shop on microcomputers for small businesses. We seemed to hit it off almost immediately. I saw "him" occasionally throughout the following year when taking a computer class or some hands-on training. "He" had been asssigned by his company, which manufactures support gear for large-scale computers as well as minis and micros, to setup a facility in the city where people could actuallly see and use the equipment they hoped to purchase or lease. Because of the time we spent together "he", of course, knew my specialty.
I leased my micro with the intention of keeping patient records on it. You know, rather then jotting down a few notes after a session I'd type them into the computer and upoate the patient's file. I found I could transcribe more in a few minutes at my keyboard then half an hour of laborousily hand writing them. And, it was more fun. Any way, I became so enthralled with my micro that I was considering buying another for use at home. Mainly to use in writing professisonal articles and possibly book or two.
I called Kelly for advice. Well, to make a long story short Kelly arranged for the equipment I needed, had it installed and spent ab- solutely hours showing me how to get the most out of it. He called occasionally to see how the set-up was working and if I needed any help.
Knowing he would be in town I invited him to the Christmas Party I have every year for my patients and former patients.
Kelly, with his lovely wife Liz, arrived late, looking slightly tired and I was about to seat them in the easy chairs by the fireplace when Belinda and Lorraine, two of my post-ops greeted him like a long-lost brother. I must admit I was surprised to see THAT.
The four of them spent much of the evening together talking and laughing. Lorraine stayed after the party to help me clean up. "Susan," she asked, "why in the world did you invite Kelly? And Liz?" "We've gotten close over the past year and he's going back to his company's main facility soon, so I invited him, as a kind of 'thank you' and going away party. I didn't know he'd bring Liz. Why?" "Don't you know about Kelly?" "Know? What should I know about him?" "Oh Susan. Kelly's a tee ess. Didn't you know?" "Kelly? A tee ess? No, I didn't know. Are you sure?" "Of course. I haven't
1 2____Kelly_____________________________________________________________________
seen her in years, but Kel's one of 'us'. In fact, I tried to get her to have surgery years ago. Before I knew it Lorraine was telling me what she knew or thought she knew, about Kelly. And that's how Kelly's story came to appear here.
Kelly was one of those babies so often referred to by mothers and other adults as "pretty" and/or "beautiful", adjectives not normally used to describe a male child. Having seen her baby pictures I can but agree with the adjectives. Her high school graduation picture could, with a change of clothing and hair-style, just as easily been of a pretty teenage girl as a boy.
Kelly had an early disdain of boys and felt she was not one, even though she appeared, physically, to be one. Kelly spoke of a dream, which recurred from age four or five until her mid-teens. She is offered three wishes (like Alladin) but asks for only one. She asks for a secret word which will give her the body of a real girl - the correct body of appropriate age. She realized she would only be able to use the word in a secret, secure place and that since she would have, much of the time to appear in the body of a boy she also asks for a second secret word to change her body back to that of a boy. Needless to say she never received either secret word.
At age eight she was sent to an all male boarding school where she was both terrified of and terrorized by the other students because they realized she was different and considered feminine enough to be called "sissy" and "little girl".
Not surprisingly she hated the school, her class-mates and her mother for having condemned her to that hell on earth. She has never, not even to this late date, forgiven her mother for that injus- tice. Her mother, denied sending her to the school as punishment or to "make a little manout of her", rather she claimed she thought the experience best for the child - not to mention her own convenience.
During Kelly's first year at boarding school her father purchased a small farm some seventy miles distant from where they were living. He moved to the farm while his wife stayed behind to continue with her job at which she would remain working for another four years.
Kelly ran away from her school several times, usually running to her father. He allowed her to stay with him until the following Sunday. When she ran to her mother - only once - she was returned the next day. A lesson well learned.
After her second year at boarding school. Kelly was allowed to stay with her father since one of his sisters would be living with them to keep house while his wife planned to continue with her job and commute week-ends.
Kelly's life in her new co-educational school was not much im- proved over her previous school. Now, in the sixth grade, she stood only 5'3" and weighed about 100 pounds, smaller than her male peers and many of her female peers. Her intelligence allowed her to more or less sail though classes without the aid of after hours study - a sore point with many of her class-mates. She continued her loner Kelly_______________________________________________________________________3
existence, being bullied by the boys and shunned by the girls.
During her seventh grade year Kelly's mother, now living with them permanently, gave birth to another beautiful baby - this time a girl; two years later a brother arrived and two years after him a second sister arrived.
Although not especially athletically inclined she went out for the football team as a freshman in high school. As much to her surprise and anyone else's she was accepted. The school was small and just about anyone willing to try out for the team was accepted. Her size, though still small at 5'4" or 5'5" and possibly 110 or 115 pounds, was almost an asset in that the larger boys on the opposing teams didn't try as hard against Kelly as they would have against someone their own size or larger.
Just before graduation from high school Kelly convinced her mother to sign the forms necessary to allow Kelly to enlist in the military for three years - her military career spanned almost three decades.
At age 21 Kelly met and fell in love with the young woman who married her and gave birth to two fine sons. While Kelly knows she loved and still loves Liz, she is unsure why she married Liz.
Their sex was, as far as Kelly is concerned, lesbian oriented. Pe- nile penetration occurred at the spoken, or unspoken, insistence of Liz. ("She always wanted to be sure I was 'okay'", is the way Kelly describes Liz' actions.)
Their lives had many ups and downs and there were the inevitable separations caused by military assignments. Kelly's promotions came sporadically and she often, in secret, wept bitter tears when she was passed over, but her progress was inevitable.
With the children gone from the nest she retired. Liz continued to work, as she had been doing for the past several years, and Kelly, for want of something better to do went to a technical school to learn a new trade. She drifted, indecisively, from one thing to another, always dissatisfied and yearning to return to her former profession in computers.
After several fruitless job interviews (one problem with being over-qualified) she landed a temporary job on the West Coast, sev- eral hundred miles from home - which, ultimately, lasted almost two years. Liz had learned, by accident, about Kelly's transsexual- ism and when the seperation came about told Kelly to use the time to explore her feminine side. In Seventh Heaven Kelly rented an apartment, accumulated a modest, but stylish wardrobe and began LIVING, although only part time after work.
The job didn't end in the time period expected but rather was extended for almost eighteen months before it was finally completed.
Quite by accident she met another transsexual, and that contact led to several others. They began pressuring her to see a thera- pist and go on hormones. She resisted until they finally wore her down. She started seeing a therapist and was on hormones within 4____Kelly_____________________________________________________________________
two months. Kelly's already fleshy breasts, filling an A-cup even before hormones, blossomed; her hip size increased three inches and her already rounded derriere filled out nicely. By wearing baggy old slacks, open-collared shirts and loose cardigan sweaters to work it was relatively easy to hide her new shape.
Over the next year her peers applyied more and more pressure for Kelly to REALLY start seriously reaching out for her surgical goal. Kelly refused realizing it meant giving up all she loved, Liz, and she was unwilling to do that. "She stuck with me thick and thin, and believe me there was more thin than thick. I can't desert her now. I can't. I owe her. She's been my life for all these years. I just can't desert her," she explained.
A few months later when offered a more permanent position with a large computer manufacturing concern she took it, seeing the per- fect excuse to stop taking hormones and revert to an appartent mas- culine role - not to mention leaving her peers. She took it, bought a house and moved Liz to live with her.
Kelly dropped completely out of the TS community.
"About six months after my surgery," Lorraine continued, "I ap- plied for a job; had my interview and was hired. A week later, on my first day, my new boss took me meet the Division Chief. Well, you could have knowked me over with a feather. There sat Kelly.
"She was working hard, presenting a proper male image at work - she went almost overboard in presenting a macho image. Snappy little sports car, three piece suits, even allowed her beard to grow - she hadn't had much facial electrolysis. She took to smoking a pipe until someone mentioned that Scandinavian women also smoke pipes. She seemed to be working very hard to hide and deny her femininity. Her only apparent concession to femininity being her fingernails. She continued to wear them overly long for a male - longer than many of the female workers - and maintaining them with weekly manicures and clear polish. I stayed in her Division about a year before moving to another firm. In all that time she treated me no differantly than any of her other subordinates. Although I sometimes felt she expected more from me then them. About the time I left Kelly was given the project of setting up the store here in the City. As usual she did an enormous amout of research into the project and took a long time making decisions as to exactly what should be in the store, how it should be staffed and then training the people she selected to staff it to make it a success. Obviously she has the respect of her professional peers and superiors."
I wrote most of Kelly's story over the following week-end and asked Kelly, using an equipment problem as a pretext to get her, to my office. I explained Lorraine had told me her story and ask if I could include it in my book.
After reading the manuscript and making a few additions and corrections Kelly agreed to its publication. Kelly_______________________________________________________________________5
Soon after the party Kelly returned to the main office of her company and I didn't see her for almost two years and then, quite by accident saw her again.
I had been with a suicidal client and was on the way home, at about two in the morning, when I felt the need of body fuel so I stopped at an all night diner for a snack. There were only a couple of people in the restaurant and as I followed the hostess to a small table when I saw a man beckoning me. It was Kelly. She looked terrible - gaunt face, circles under her eyes, a short, man's haircut; beard gone.
One of her systems had been in trouble and the worker she is Kelly had spent more time working on the problem then her sub- ordinates. While we chatted about inconsequential things I felt she had something on her mind and waited for her to tell me rather than pry.
Over what was to be her final cup of coffee she looked at me and said, "I've always wanted to tell my parents and sisters about my transsexualism but I never could. Didn't want to hurt my mother and father unnecessarily. Well, Liz and I went home to my parent's a couple of months ago. I hadn't been back in years and the folks ARE getting on in years. I told my mother about the feminine Kelly. I didn't mean to, it just slipped out. Everyone had gone to bed and I was in the kitchen reading an article by one of therapists when Mother came out about two to read also. We usually sit and talk at least once 'til all hours when I home, and this looked like the time. Well, we got to talking and she asked about the article I was reading so I told her it was prorofessional article concerning transsexuals. 'Why in the world are you reading an article about people like that? Certainly you have better things to do with your time and talents then waste them on things about those people.' Angrily I said, 'Mother, I'M a person like THAT. I'm a transsexual. I should have been born, like Sis, with a vagina. I should have grown up to like her and been a mother. NOT a father, a MOTHER.' Well, we talked for a couple of hours and just before going back to bed she said, 'I can accept what you've said.' I thought she meant she could accept me, the female Kelly. I was relieved, happy and floating on a cloud. After all these years, she had finally accepted me. The REAL me."
"When Mother's Christmas card arrived there was a note, as usual, from her. She doesn't accept the feminine Kelly. She rejects me. Refuses to acknowledge me."
I saw tears welling in her eyes. I blinked back my tears too.
"Oh God! Why must she continue to reject me? Hasn't she done that enough? I told her I'd never have surgery and would probably go the grave as her son. She KNOWS I won't do that to Liz. I love her too much. I can't help it, I do. I won't desert her at this late date. I did tell her that I'd have surgery in a second if circumstances were different. That had I known at twenty what I now know about 6____Kelly_____________________________________________________________________
myself I would have taken a different path through life, I WOULD have had surgery and lived my life out as a woman."
Tears were dropping on the table cloth with regularity - both her's and mine. We touched hands. Kelly left the table to wash her face and puffy eyes. My heart wrenched as I watched this woman in a man's body walk into the men's room. She was back in a few minutes, kissed me lightly on the cheek, took my check as well as her's, walked to cashier and paid them - old, hard learned male habits die hard. I watched as she walked, straight and proud, out into the lightening morning, back to her man's life and the woman she loves so much. Perhaps, too much.
Poor Kelly, will probably NEVER have the surgery she so richly deserves and WILL probably live out her life in that man's body, suffering and dying a little everyday.
Kelly - Revisited
I was in the upper lounge of a seven-forty-seven, returning from a vacation in Hong Kong when I next saw Kelly, about six years after our last meeting in the restaurant.
I wasn't very attentive to what was happening in the lounge, just sitting a sipping my drink. When a man asked, "Mind if I sit with you Susan?"
I looked up to see Kelly. I almost didn't recognize him. He was a little heavier then the last time, and he looked tanned and happy. "Of course, Kelly. How've you been? And Liz? You certainly look better than the last time I saw you."
"That was a real down period in my life. Maternal rejection. Liz was dying of cancer - I didn't know it at the time. But, she died about eleven months later. She had a terrible time toward the end. If I could have gotten my hands on some heroine, I'd have given her an OD."
"I'm sorry. I know what she meant to you. I liked Liz."
"Wonderful person. I was lucky to have her as a partner for so long. When she REALLY knew she was dying she told me to do my thing after she went. But, NOT to let peer pressure push me into anything - in either direction. If it felt right, I should do it."
"Well, what are you doing out here? Business or pleasure?"
"Pleasure. I've always wanted to tour China. We just spent six weeks there. Fantastic country. I seem to have a thing for China, and Chinese people."
I wondered who the "we" was, but didn't ask. "Well, what have you been up to since I last saw you?"
"I sold the house. To many memories. And bought a smallish town house - two bedrooms, two baths, a combination living-dining room. A kitchen, a patio and small back yard. I quit my job - actually I had more then enough time with the company to retire, so Kelly_______________________________________________________________________7
I did. I bummed around for a couple of months. Went to visit the kids, and made a crashing bore of myself doing that. Their interests are so much different from mine.
"Then, I decided to see what crossliving would be like. I planned to do it alone. No peer pressure. No hormones. To see if I could survive it that way. I didn't really need to work, but I felt working as a female would be a fairer part of the test. So, I applied for a job as a supermarket check-out clerk. Let me tell you, THAT'S work. All day on your feet. I wasn't used to THAT. I managed to stick it out for a month. I just couldn't take the standing.
"Then I managed to snag a job as a head hunter with a large personell agency. With my computer background, they were more than happy to have me. I stayed there about seven months and moved to a smaller agency. I liked the feel of the smaller agency. In fact I liked it so well I opened my own one person shop. I could be more selective of whom I handled that way.
"I specialized in 'computer people'. Engineers, programmers, op- erations people, analysists. The technical and creative side of high tech. I did quite well. I was in the black within six months of open- ing the shop. And, I had a great corporate client list. Many worked exclusively with me. The good part about that was, I wasn't using Kelly's name - only his skills. I was using a fem name. Although, a lot of the technical people had known me as Kelly, none of the HR people did.
"I didn't seem to be having any problems dealing, as a female, with anyone in my client base. They seemed to accept me for what I appeared to be. And, certainly the big corporations wouldn't have dealt with me if they hadn't trusted me.
"I'd finished my Test Year and was recommended for surgery. But, I delayed it. I don't know why. I used the pressure of business as an excuse. Then, about eighteen months into my test, I began to feel less comfortable in my female role. Not UNcomfortable, but LESS comfortable than I had been. I talked with some of pre- and post-ops I knew to see if they had had a similar period. I didn't know, it might have been comparable to the Baby Blues some new mothers go through. I know most, if not all, gender revisionists have periods of self-doubt, and some continue it even after surgery. But this was more then that. It's hard to explain. Anyway, none, confessed to having similar feelings. I talked to my gender professional about it and she was at a loss to explain my feelings. Guilt, perhaps.
"Nonetheless, I continued living the female role for another six months or so. Then, I began living as a male. Almost immediately my feelings of uncomfortableness disappeared. I stayed, as a male for four months and then switched to the female role again. Same feelings of uncomfortableness. So, I switched back to the male role - as a temporary thing.
"I knew I couldn't keep switching back and forth. That I HAD to settle on one gender or the other. But which? It was about this time Felicia came into my life - while I was giving the male image a 8____Kelly_____________________________________________________________________
shot again.
"She came to me looking for a job as an electronics engineer. Smart as a whip. Talented. Attractive. Everything, seemingly, an employer could want. But, there seemed to be something about her which alienated potential employers. I'd send her out on a sure thing interview, and the client would call and pass on her. Bad vibes, between she and them seemed to be the major explainantion. I couldn't figure that out, because I felt perfectly at ease with her.
"To see if I could spot what the problem was, I offered her a position working for me. Since she was 'off salary' - a euphamism for unemployed - I figured she'd take the job. And, she did. I spent a week or so training her - she picked things fast. Then I gave her three clients to place. One, I knew she'd have no touble with. One was someone I, personally, wasn't all that interested in. He's a job- hopper. The third was an older man. He'd worked for several of the major computer corporations, was extremely well quialified for any of half-a-dozen positions, but he was in his late fifties - a real career death threat, and he'd been let go in a reduction in force after being with his most recent employer for seven years. He'd been off-salary for eleven months when I turned Felicia loose on him. In a month she had him working.
"In the head hunter business, we put in late hours. Employee clients prefer talking to us from home, rather than the office - which is understandable. So, Felicia and I often had dinner together be- fore starting the evening round of calls. I felt myself attracted to her, both emotionally and physically. I hadn't felt the need for com- panionship since Liz's death. But, around Felicia, I felt a need for companionship.
"I had no idea how Felica felt toward me, if she felt anything at all. People of my generation don't ask things like that, unless we're dating.
"All the time Felicia was working for me, I continued trying to place her in the electronics industry. Finally, we connected. I was sorry to see her leave. I'd miss her around the office, but she was fi- nancially better off with her new job. Not to mention psychologically better off for having landed a good job in her trained career field, and not having to settle for second best - career-wise. The job site was about fifty miles from my office, so she moved into an apartment not too far from work. Eliminated the daily long commute.
"She'd been gone about a month when she called me at the office. 'Old Man,' she said, 'I'm going to cook you dinner tomorrow night. No ifs, ands or buts. Be home by seven. I'll be waiting for you.' Then, she hung up before I could say a thing.
"Well, I was home by seven and she was waiting on the back patio. I let her in and she headed for the kitchen, saying only 'Shower and get into something less officey.'
"By the time I'd showered and changed in casual slacks and a sports shirt she had dinner ready. She'd cooked a crown rib roast - rare, the way I like it. She done most of it at home and had only Kelly_______________________________________________________________________9
warmed it through in my micro. Baked potatos and asparagus. Sour cream and a salad. And, wine.
"We sat, chatting over coffee until about ten and then she said, 'Well, Old Man, you keep the left-overs. And do the dishes. I have to get up early to get to work and it's an hour drive home for me. I'll be back Saturday and I expect you to cook for me then.' She hugged me and was gone.
"Sure enough, she was back Saturday. I let her in about noon. She changed into the tiniest bikini I'd ever seen and trotted off to the pool. Done with her swimming she spent the afternoon in my backyard, improving her tan.
"After a dinner of steaks done on the outside grill she took my hand and led me to the bedroom. We had the damnedest night of sex I'd had in a long time. I didn't know I was still capable of such passion and enthusiam.
"We spent much of that week-end in bed. She left Sunday evening. I was pooped when I dragged myself out of bed Monday to face another week in the office.
"Felica was back the following Friday evening. She drove directly from work and was waiting for me when I got home. Another glorious week-end.
"She began popping in at odd times - late in the evening and spending the night.
"Finally, I suggested she have a key to my place. 'Okay. But, this drive is killing me. Any suggestions?'
"That was about a broad a hint as I'd ever heard. So, I said, 'Well, you could move in, but you'd still have that long drive every day.'
"'Or, you could move in with me. Then YOU'D have the long drivce - if you continued having your office down here. Or, you COULD move the office. It isn't all THAT imperative you have an office down here as long as you retain your contacts. Is it?'"
"'No I suppose not. I'll have to think about that, though.'"
"Well, the upshot of it was I continued to think about it and she continued to commute. Finally, I told her I'd move in with her. On a trial basis. If it didn't work out, we'd have lost nothing.
"She lived about a mile from where she worked, so she often came home for lunch. I had a phone line dropped in and used the second bedroom as an office away from the office. Often we spent her lunch hour in bed. Far from wearing me out, sexually, she seemed to be building me up. I never knew for sure when she would pop in during the day.
"Now, of course I was commuting to my client base at least three days a week. I still maintained my office and saw employee clients there.
"We were sitting in front of the fireplace Christmas Eve when she said, 'Look Old Man, I've never told another man this, but I love 10____Kelly____________________________________________________________________
you. And, I'm going to marry you. Come hell or high water. Now, what are you going to do about it?'"
"I was flabbergasted. I suppose I shouldn't have been, but I was. Here was an intelligent, very attractive woman more then twenty years my junior proposing to me. What could I do, but accept?
"We were married about seven months later. A quiet little cere- mony. Felicia continues to work, as do I. She does the cooking and we share the housework. By the way, she's a darn good cook. I've put on little weight eating her meals.
"You know, I never felt my age, after thirty-five, until Liz died. Then I felt old. I know fifty isn't all that old, but I felt OLD. Felicia makes me feel thirty again."
"Any plans for children?"
"No. She isn't into having children. And, I'm not either. I've had mine, and it's hardly fair to bring kids into the world at my age. I'd be in my seventies when they were just turning twenty."
"What about your gender dysphoria? Any plans for revision?"
"You know, I've thought about all this quite a bit. I have the feeling one of the reasons I got involved with Felicia is so that I wouldn't have to make a decision. Well, the decision to go forward with it, anyway. For years I used my relationship with Liz as an excuse NOT to go forward with it. Then, when she passed on, I tried it and wasn't all that comfortable with it. I never REALLY felt any urgency for surgery, and my relationships, or entanglements, with Liz and Felicia have allowed me to survive without the need to go too far into gender revision. Perhaps I use the women in my life as an excuse NOT to continue. Or, perhaps, I only have a psychological need to be a woman, when there is no woman in my life. I'm afraid, YOU'LL have to figure that one out. I've tried and I can't come up with any concrete answers."
"Does Felicia know? About your gender feelings?"
"Yes. I made a clean breast of them before we got too deeply entangled. She never batted an eye. In fact, she gets after me, occassionally, to crossdress. But, I don't."
Kelly seemed about ready to leave when tall, attractive, well dressed young woman pressed her hand down on Kelly's shoulder. "Trying to pick up another woman on your honeymoon? Shame on you."
"Hi Babe. Felicia, meet Susan. Susan and I go 'way back to- gether. I installed her first computer system. Susan is a psychother- apist."
"I see. You getting some free advice? Or just passing the time of day?"
"Come on, Babe. Knock it off. We just old friends."
Felicia was obviously jealous of anyone, especially a female, taking Kelly's attention. The three of us spent an hour or so chatting. Felicia seemed very possessive of Kelly, and never took her hand Kelly______________________________________________________________________11
off his knee the whole time we talked. I found her quite interesting and charming, although overly possessive and protective where Kelly was concerned. And, I was surprised at their age difference. Kelly had said she was twenty tears younger. I suspected she was at least twenty-five years younger, although Kelly carried her age well. SHE didn't look her confesed fifty-six years.
They left the plane ahead of me, and I saw them walking, hand- in-hand toward the terminal. All in all, I'd say they were a happy couple.
So, there you have the enigma of Kelly.
She can function, and survive, in either gender form. She seems happy living as a male. From what I've been told by others, she was happy when living as a female. She also admits that. But, she balks when it comes to surgery. Why? Is she simply a TV? I seriously doubt it. And, she never dresses except when there is no woman in her life.
I'd sure like to have some REAL clinical sessions with her and delve into HER psyche. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- To find out more about the anon service, send mail to help@anon.penet.fi. Due to the double-blind, any mail replies to this message will be anonymized, and an anonymous id will be allocated automatically. You have been warned. Please report any problems, inappropriate use etc. to admin@anon.penet.fi.