Disclaimer: 1) a renunciation of any claim to or connection with; 2) disavowal; 3) a statement made to save one's own ass. Basically, I don't know anybody from N Sync or BSB, and thus this story is fiction and is not intended to imply anything about the true sexuality of the celebrities mentioned or any personal knowledge about their private lives. This story should not be read by anybody who is not legally allowed to read it.. So if you're underage, leave right now!! Also, The Blair Witch Project is a trademark of Artisan Entertainment and Haxan Films.
Author's Notes: Happy Halloween, everybody! I thought I'd add this story to the archives as a Halloween treat. While watching the movie "The Blair Witch Project makes all of this make more sense, its not necessary to enjoy my humurous boyband version of the story. If you have any comments or suggestions about future spoofs similar to this, e-mail me at THRAWN5678@aol.com.
I've created a website for my two main stories. This way, you can read the most recent versions of Last Chance for Jason and Never Guess!! Also, you can expect the website to have the new chapters as they are written a few days before Nifty, so visit if you want a jump on the story!! Vote on the Poll!! Sign the Guestbook!! Join the official mailing list, complete with snazzy newletter!!
http://www.squallthrawn.com
The Boy Witch Project by Squall Thrawn
In October of 2001, three student filmmakers disappeared in the woods near Bachsink, Maryland while shooting a documentary.
A year later, their footage was found....
::A camcorder is turned on, and very unsteadily pointed at two men in their twenties. One is Hispanic, with his dark hair in a ponytail. The other is a blonde, solidly built and wearing a sleeveless white t-shirt::
"I'm Nick Ford," said the blond man, smiling at the camera. "This is my friend, Howie Mason." Then Nick gestured towards the cameraman. "Lance, baby, you've gotta get over here. Put the camera down or something." Howie went over and took the camera, the camera moving about wildly as it was switched. A slim blonde with spiky blond hair and beautiful green eyes came over and put his arm around Nick. "This is my boyfriend, Lance Dixon," continued Nick, giving Lance a quick peck on the cheek. "The three of us are going to be doing a documentary on the Boy Witch. Lance will be working the camera, and Howie will be helping us out with setup. I'll narrate the commentary. We'll be interviewing some residents of the town of Bachsink, then we'll be heading out into the woods."
::The camera goes black for a minute, but continues recording::
"Howie! You're supposed to press the red button! Not the lens button!!"
"Whoops. My bad."
::The camera is turned off::
"We're speaking with a long time resident JC Johnson, "said Nick, standing next to an old gray haired man. "Tell us, sir, what you know of the Boy Witch."
"Ah... The Boy Witch, " harrumphed the old man. "I'd have to say, we've definitely got the suckiest sounding legend in the country."
"Sir.."
"Oh, sorry, sonny, "said JC, coughing. "Well, nobody knows much of the witch's past. She lived in this town two hundred years ago, but was driven into the forest by the villagers after allegedly trying to force the young men of Bachsink into performing some sort of evil ceremony and chanting evil spells. I think they called the ceremony Mardi Gras or something like that.."
Nick glanced at Howie and shook his head. Then he turned back to JC. "Do you know why they called her the Boy Witch?"
"Well, the legend says that she was so ugly, she could have passed for a boy, no problem."
"Thank you, sir," said Nick, trying to keep a straight face. (The only part of him that was str8). "One last question, sir?''
"No problem, sonny," said JC, grinning a toothless grin.
"Umm, whatever happened to the Boy Witch?" asked Nick. "I mean, because if that's all to the legend, you'd think nobody would care about the Boy Witch."
"No, my boy, there's more to it than that," said JC. "There's the story of A.J. Parr. That's tied very closely with the Boy Witch, ya know."
"Could you tell us the story of A.J. Parr, sir?"asked Nick.
"Nope, don't know it," said JC Johnson, cackling. "I'm just repeating what others say about the Parr story. I've never heard the story myself. Never had much interest in it."
Nick shook his head and glanced offscreen to Howie again.
"Thank you very much, Mr. Johnson."
"Excuse me, sir," said Nick, standing next to a cute somewhat tall man with reddish-brown hair and piercing blue eyes. "What is your name, and would you mind being in our documentary?"
"My name is Mark," said the young man. "And I wouldn't mind at all. What is it about?"
"We're doing a documentary on the legend of the Boy Witch. What have you heard about it?"
"That legend is a load of horseshit," said Mark with a sneer on his face. "There is no such thing as the Boy Witch or anything like that. Anybody who takes that old farce seriously is either defective or degenerate."
"This is Kevin Kennedy, a senior at Bachsink High School," said Nick, gesturing to the tall young man standing next to him, his long black hair coming down mid-back, and a Led Zeppelin shirt on. "You were telling us about the A.J. Parr story?"
"Yeah. Basically, eight teenaged boys were kidnapped from the town of Bachsink in 1947-48. In 1949, a man named A.J. Parr came out of the woods and told the townspeople that he was finally finished. He admitted to kidnapping the boys, and despite the fact that they never found any bodies, they did find blood in his house in the woods and so he was charged with their murder. Found guilty, he was hanged, but before he told everybody that the Boy Witch had made him kidnap the boys. He never once admitting to killing any of the boys. Then, after a few years, one of the boys, Joseph Narducci, was found hitchhiking in North Carolina. He claimed that A.J. Parr had done unspeakable horrors to him and the others. However, he never said exactly what happened or whether the others were alive or not. Narducci was later arrested on a unrelated charge, and was committed to an insane asylum, where he eventually committed suicide. His last words were 'at last, the noises in my head will stop'."
"Thanks very much, Kevin," said Nick, smiling gratefully.
"Oh, Nick, my brother said that you owe him five bucks," said Kevin, smirking.
"Cut," said Nick, making a killing gesture.
"Excuse me, gentleman, we're making a documentary on the Boy Witch, and we were wondering if you could tell us about what you know of the Boy Witch legend," said Nick, in between two fishermen. One was tall and slim, with long black hair down to his mid-back. The other was just as tall, but with a medium build, and wavy brown hair. "Have you heard of the legend?"
"Yeah, I've heard of it," said Mike August, the brown-haired fisherman. "I never really believed it, though. Seems to be a bunch of nonsense."
"You're full of it," retorted his friend, Scott Thrawn. "Hasn't history been enough to prove that the Boy Witch exists? What about the Christopher Weaver story?"
"Could you tell us about the Christopher Weaver story?" asked Nick.
"Fine," said Mike. "Anyway, in the 1800s, there was this teenaged boy supposedly disappeared from his house, and-"
"There ain't no supposedly about it," interjected Scott. "The kid disappeared!"
"Whatever," said Mike, rolling his eyes. "Anyway, he showed up on the porch of his home a few days later. He claimed that he had been led by an fat ugly woman whose feet never touched the ground. She led him to a run down house in the woods, and had told him in a low voice to stay there while she got another boy, and then she left. Eventually, he got scared and left the house. Meanwhile, a search party had gone out looking for him, and had gone missing. They sent a second search party, and they found the first one in pretty bad shape at Rockin Rock. There was blood coming out of their ears and everything. But before they could get any closer, the second party were scared away by a loud and terrible noise, and when they came back to Rockin Rock, there was no trace of them."
"And you call that nonsense?" exclaimed Scott. "That stuff actually happened."
"Ah, shush," said Mike. "That stuff's just made up. Only an idiot believes in that stuff."
"I'll show you made up," said Scott furiously. He threw down his fishing pole and decked Mike. Howie ran in from offscreen and tried to break the two up, and Nick made a killing gesture yet again to Lance.
"So, what did you think of today?" Nick asked Howie, as they lounged around in a hotel room. Lance was still filming, using his camcorder.
"The people in this town are crazy," said Howie with a straight face. Then he burst out laughing. "You should have seen the look on your face right after Kev told ya that you owed his brother five bucks!!" From behind the camera, Lance was laughing too.
"That wasn't funny at all!" said Nick indignantly. "We had actually found somebody who knew the A.J. Parr story, then he told me that!! Who knew what else he could have told us?!"
"That's my whole point, Nick," said Howie, still laughing. "He was telling us all this stuff, and you were on cloud nine, finally finding a knowledgeable person who didn't doubt your mental capacity. Then he brought you back down to Earth rather abruptly."
Nick looked sheepish for a moment, then started laughing as well. "Well, at least it was an interesting day. But tomorrow'll be even better. We get to go out into the woods."
"But there aren't any townspeople decking each other out there in the woods," chimed in Lance.
"Whatever, babe," said Nick. "Let's get some sleep. We've got a long day or two ahead of us."
"Well, I'll be able to get some sleep if you two behave yourselves," said Howie. "I sure didn't sign on to this project so that I could hear you two fucking like rabbits." He sounded only half joking.
Nick's face turned beet red.
"You guys ready to brave the forest today?" asked Lance, as he got his backpack on. Howie was holding the camcorder.
"You betcha," said Nick, as he was helping Lance. "All we have to do is find Rockin Rock and this cemetary of sorts that Scott Thrawn told us about."
"Yeah, while he was holding his stomach tenderly because Mike punched him in the gut," said Howie, laughing. "So, it should only be one night out in these woods, right?"
"Should be," said Nick. "If we don't goof off or anything."
"Us? Goof off?" laughed Lance. "Perish the thought!" The other two boys laughed as well.
::The camcorder is now pointed at a stream running through the forest, at a certain outcropping of rock on one of the banks. On the far right of the outcropping, Nick stands with an old-looking book in his hands::
"Few know the origin of the name, Rockin Rock," stated Nick solemnly reading from the old book. "But fewer still are the people in Bachsink who aren't aware of its reputation. In 1834, Christopher Weaver disappeared from his home in Bachsink and a search party numbering seven men was dispatched to look for him in the forest. A few days after, Christopher reappeared in town, but the search party did not. Another search party was formed to find the missing men. What they found on Rockin Rock horrified the imagination. They found the seven men tied together, each man's hands tied to another's feet, creating a circle. As bare as on the day they were born, they were covered blood, blood that had poured out of their ears, nose, and mouth. As the second search party approached them, the air was suddenly filled with unearthly sounds, ones that the search party believed came from the Devil himself. The party would later describe two distinct noises, one an evil laugh, the other an odd voice saying what sounded like 'Dirty Pop.' Needless to say, the search party raced back to town, and when they returned with many more people, there was no trace of the first search party, dead or alive." Nick looked up from the old book. "And this happened at Rockin Rock."
"What did you think of it, guys?" asked Nick as they hiked through the woods.
"You did perfect, babe," said Lance from behind the camera.
"It was ok," said Howie, a bit preoccupied. "Let me see the map, Nick."
"Listen, Howie, I know where we're going," said Nick. But he brought out the map anyway. Lance zoomed the camera in on the map.
"Where did we start out at?" asked Howie, frowning.
"We started out off the map," said Nick. "But I knew where we were going."
"Off the map," said Howie. "So really, we were lost for a while there, since we didn't know where we were on the map or anything."
"I said, I knew where we were going, and I still know where we're going!" replied Nick angrily.
"I thought you said you knew where you were going," said Howie grumpily to Nick as they set up camp. Lance was still filming.
"I do! This cemetary's just a bit further, but it's getting too dark to continue," said Nick, just as confident as before. "Like I said, one night out in the woods, and we'll be back home tomorrow."
"You'd better be right, blondie," said Howie almost threateningly. "I've got a hot date tomorrow night, with Britney, and I'm sure not going to miss it because of your sense of direction or lackthereof. And tell your precious boyfriend to stop recording me."
"Fine," said Nick reluctantly. He didn't want to antagonize Howie too much, since Howie wasn't all that comfortable with the idea of his two best friends dating each other. "Turn it off, babe."
"Hey, look at this, guys!" Nick ran up ahead to where there were large piles of rocks in strange formations. "I'll bet this is what Scott was talking about when he mentioned a cemetery. It looks like these are arranged a certain way. Come over here, Lance, and get a good shot of this!"
::The camera is jerkily moved towards the arranged rocks::
"It looks actually looks like they're letters," said Howie, looking closely at them. "See, there's an N, an S, Y, N, and a C." He pointed to each of them as he named them. "And over here, there's a B, an S, and another B."
"I wonder what it means," said Nick, thoughtfully.
"You've seen your 'cemetery,' now its time to head out," said Howie, starting to walk off. "I have to get home as soon as possible to get ready for my date with Britney."
"Fine," said Nick reluctantly. "Come on, babe, let's get going." Nick got out his map and compass and consulted it briefly. "We're going to head this way, and that will get us back to the car."
"It had better, Nick," said Howie. But he sighed. "I'm sorry for snapping at you. I'm just eager to get out of this forest and hook up with Britney. And those odd noises outside our tent kept me awake all night."
"Yeah, me too," said Lance from behind the camera. "Sounded like some evil laugh. And it sounded like someone or something was outside the tent."
"You know, we could be doing this talking while walking," said Howie abruptly. He started walking in the direction that Nick had pointed out.
"What the fuck is wrong with your sense of direction?" asked Howie, majorly pissed off. They were setting up camp once again.
"I guess it was farther that it looked on the map," said Nick, grudgingly. "You have to remember, we only knew the approximate location of the cemetery."
"Bullshit! You just won't admit that we're lost!" yelled Howie, mourning the fact that his date with Britney was a writeoff. He'd been looking forward to getting some action that night.
"We'll be back home by tomorrow afternoon," said Nick.
"I hope so," said Lance. "I need to be at work tomorrow night at Wal-mart."
Howie picked up the camera from where it was sitting and turned it on, focusing it on Nick and Lance. The two of them were making out, and Howie could see that neither of them were wearing shirts. Lance was moaning, not too loud, but loud enough for Howie to hear him.
"While on the search for proof of the Boy Witch," said Howie in his most officious voice, "Nick Ford and Lance Dixon decide to use the privacy of their tent to reacquaint themselves with each other's bodies. Since a tent in the middle of the woods is probably the most honeymoon they'll ever have, they don't bother to hide their actions from their straight friend who had just left briefly for a smoke."
About halfway through his commentary, the two of them finally heard him and reacted. Nick lunged for the camera while Lance quickly jumped under the covers. It seemed as if he was wearing less clothes than Howie had originally guessed.
"Turn the fucking camera off!" yelled Nick.
"Why is it all right for Lance to film our arguments, when I can't film you two getting to know each other better?" said Howie with a sneer on his face.
"Fuck you, Howie! Turn it off before you break it!!"
"Fine!"
"Ok, where's the map?" asked Nick angrily. He still hadn't forgiven Howie completely for his stupid stunt the night before.
"What do you mean, Nicky?" asked Lance. "Is it not in your pack?"
"No! I always put it in this pocket right here," said Nick. "But I've checked it a few times, and all the other pockets for good measure. Did you take it, Howie?"
"Why would I take the stupid map?" asked Howie. "Let's just keep going the way we were going. Eventually the forest has got to end."
"Is that what I think it is?" asked Nick, pointing almost calmly, though he was everything but. "Looks like a bunch of rocks. And they spell out letters. Look familiar?"
"Fuck!" Howie looked around. "We're back at that cemetery!! How is that possible?"
"I don't know!" yelled Nick. "If only we had that map!!" He ran forward to make sure it really was where they had been before.
All a sudden, he heard some hysterical laughing. Nick turned around to see Howie laughing really hard.
"I really don't know what you could find funny right now!"
"I threw it away!! It wasn't doing us any good, so I fucking threw that away!!" Howie laughed even harder.
"You threw away the map," said Lance in a quiet almost deadly voice. Nick looked uneasily at Lance. "You threw away the fucking map." Nick looked even more alarmed. Lance never swore. "I'm gonna knock your ugly face in!!" Nick quickly tried to get to Lance, but Lance handed off the camera to Nick quickly and leaped at Howie. Howie was shocked at Lance's reaction and hesitated a tad too long. The pair hit the ground, as Lance tried to throttle Howie. Nick put the camera down, and tried to pry his boyfriend off of Howie. Since Nick was taller and stronger than Lance, he didn't have too much trouble. From where he was being restrained by Nick, Lance glared at Howie with furious eyes.
"Listen, guys," said Nick. "If we spend all our time fighting here, we're never gonna get out of these woods. Let's just concentrate on getting out of here, then you can beat each other's faces in. Ok?"
"No, I'm so sorry, Howie," said Lance, all the fight gone from his eyes. "I just.. I have a really bad feeling about these woods. As if we're never going to get out of here alive."
Nick put his arms around Lance. "Don't worry, babe. We'll get out of here. I know it. Trust me."
"You know that I trust you completely, Nicky," said Lance. The two exchanged a kiss. For once, Howie didn't grimace at the sight. He just smiled.
"Well, east didn't seem to work, so let's try north," suggested Howie. "Is that ok with you?" The two nodded.
"What are those?" asked Nick as they walked through the woods and came upon a clearing. Hung up in the trees, laying on the floor, were little stick-men. Made of sticks and tied together with thin vines, weeds, even twine.
"Shit! Didn't we talk to somebody in the town that mentioned a story about a boy who disappeared in a shallow stream with lots of people around at the time, and soon afterwards the whole stream was polluted with an oily substance and little stick figures?" asked Howie.
"Yeah, I remember that," said Nick. "This is definitely bad." He picked one of them up. However, it was tied to four others. He looked at the one he had in his hand. Etched crudely on it was two letters, J and N. "What do you think this stands for? JN?"
"Joseph Narducci," gasped Lance. "The only person to survive back in the 40's, when AJ Parr went on his killing spree." Nick dropped the stick man abruptly.
"Nicky, let's get out of here," said Lance. "This isn't safe. I feel like somebody's watching us."
"I know what you mean, Lance," said Howie. "The hairs on the back of my neck are standing on end. It does feel like somebody's watching us."
"Alright, let's keep going," said Nick, starting to walk in the same direction that they had been walking.
"I wish we didn't have to stay out here another night," sighed Lance as he was laying with his head on Nick's chest in his tent. The camera was sitting on the ground propped up so that Lance didn't have to hold it. Howie was outside smoking.
"It'll be ok, babe," said Nick, gently running his fingers through Lance's hair. "Your parents will call the police if we don't show up; so will mine, and I doubt Howie's parents are just gonna accept his disappearance just like that. One way or another, we'll be out of here."
"I'm sorry for snapping like that, and attacking Howie," said Lance apologetically. "I just panicked."
"It's ok, babe," said Nick, putting his arms around Lance.
"No matter what happens, Nicky," said Lance. "I just want you to know that I love you so much."
"I love you too, Lance," said Nick. "And nothing's going to happen."
"Lance? Lance!!" Nick ran out of the tent. Howie soon followed him out of the tent with the camera. "Howie! Have you seen Lance?"
"Not since last night. Did he go into the forest to take a piss?"
"He'd tell one of us before going out alone," said Nick. "You know how worried he was about this forest. He's not about to go out there in the middle of the night by himself."
Suddenly, Howie gasped. He bent down and picked up three stick-men tied together. "These weren't here yesterday." All three of them had initials etched onto them, and one of them was a bright red. "These two here have HM and NF, and the red one has LD."
"Fuck! That's us!" yelled Nick. "Why is Lance's blood red?!" He bent down and started weeping uncontrollably.
"Don't worry, Nick, we'll find Lance," said Howie.
::The camera is turned on by Nick, who is holding it so that it's filming him::
"I just want to say to Howie's parents, and Lance's parents, and my mom and dad, I'm sorry." Nick is very choked up and tears are running down his eyes. "I know that this is all my fault. It was my project, my idea. I don't know what's out there, but its after us. And it has the love of my life. God, if I could give up my life for Lance's, I'd do it in a heartbeat. I can't live without him."
::It's the middle of the night, but Nick and Howie were awakened by screaming::
"It's sounds like Lance! Lance!!!" Nick ran towards the noise without thinking. Howie swore, grabbed the camera, and followed Nick. They came to an old rundown house in the middle of the woods.
"That must be AJ Parr's house," said Howie, gasping. They could hear moaning and screaming from the house.
"Lance! I'm coming!" Nick ran through the front door, followed by Howie. He ran up the stairs, where he believed the sounds were coming from. Howie went through another door, looking around with the camera. Howie could hear the screaming still. Then Nick yelled, "He's in the cellar!" Howie heard Nick's feet as he raced down the stairs. And then, nothing.
"Nick? Nick?" Howie headed for the cellar as well. He looked around, and he saw Nick standing, facing the corner. "Nick, get out of the corner! Nick?" He turned and saw the most hideous person he'd ever seen in front of him.
"Are you the Boy Witch?" gasped Howie.
"BOY WITCH?!" yelled the person. "Are they still calling me that? They made that mistake years ago, and they're still perpetuating it? Do they say I was such an ugly girl that I would have passed for a boy, no problem?!
"Umm, yes, ma'am," said Howie.
"MA'AM?!" screamed the Boy Witch. "I'm not even a woman!! I'm a man!!"
"Oh, uh, sorry sir, I mean ma'am, I mean sir!" said Howie, frightened out of his mind.
"You're not sorry!! They never are!! But you'll soon learn!! When Joey Narducci came here, he was insolent, but I taught him how foolish that was."
"Why did you have AJ Parr kill those boys?!" asked Howie, his anger overcoming his fear of the fearsome witch, no, warlock in front of him.
"I didn't have him kill them!! He kidnapped them so that I could use them!"
"Use them for what?" asked Howie, confused.
"To create what I do best! Boybands!" said The Boy Witch, proudly. "And now you're going to be a member of my new boyband, as well as your friends!"
"You don't mean you're.."
"That's right!! Lou Pearlman!!" He cackled loudly.
"AAAHH!!" Howie dropped the camera. The camera is now pointed at the wall. But it is still picking up the sounds.
"Hit the music!" yelled Lou Pearlman.
"NOOOOO!!" screamed Howie.
The music starts playing. It starts with some weird noises, and then... "Bye Bye Bye!!"
"Oh God, no please!!!!"
::The camera stops recording altogether::
What does everybody think? Happy Halloween from Squall Thrawn!!
Squall Thrawn THRAWN5678@aol.com http://www.squallthrawn.com