The Deepest Cut
By Maxieplus
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction; any resemblance to persons living or dead is entirely coincidental.
You may not copy it or transmit it in any way except in its entirety and with this disclaimer and of course my permission. This story features descriptions of sex between males:
So if you're under the legal age to read such material, please DO NOT READ. A big thank you to my editors David and Duncan for fixing my mistakes. And thank you all for your past comments on my other stories, they are most welcome.
All comments are welcome and gratefully received Thank you.
maxieplus@hotmail.com mailto:maxieplus@hotmail.com
The deepest cut came too soon. I wasn't ready for the knife to rip through my heart. To kick start the terrible bleeding that was a constant throb inside my chest, as it pumped the living daylights out of me. I fell to the bed and curled myself up in a ball, squeezing my eyes, and waiting for the screams I knew would arrive seconds later. I tried to breathe as my stomach spasmed. Surely this will kill me; put an end to the pain inside. The note said,
"I can't do this anymore. I love you but I have to say goodbye." It slipped through my fingers and fluttered in slow motion to the covers. It now lay somewhere beneath my body. I managed to pull a cushion to my face, and then I screamed and screamed. My tears flowed like a waterfall; my body was wracked with pain. My time is now, I just want to die. I don't want this pain anymore. I can't take it, I am alone, I am beaten and I am cut to the heart.
Chapter 1.
I showered and dressed my shorts and Tank will do today and the team meeting won't take that long. Thank god, they can get a little repetitive sometimes. I parked my car and smiled at Paul, one of my team mates, who had just retrieved his bag out of the boot of his car.
"Ready for another wank session Ben?" He laughed; I lifted my finger in salute. That's how we see coaches' talk, nothing new, just talking the club up and trying to cram positive thoughts into our brains. I never took much notice. Playing football for me is an anger management pastime, it goes like this; I get angry and then try to manage it, but being a leading goal kicker helps. I allowed myself to chuckle, but it feels false because the bleeding hasn't stopped inside. It's been four months since my agonizing night where I realized I had been defeated and sentenced to a life of misery, on my own.
Coach's talk was all about playing as a team, as a club, proud and strong, blah, blah, blah. I nearly went to sleep.
He looked up and said,
"Mr. Chambers I know this is all boring stuff to you but at least have the decency to open your eyes." I sat up straight, like a naughty school boy, then slowly slid down the chair to a more comfortable position.
"Nice of you to join us Mr. Denver, I'm pleased you could fit us into your busy schedule, sit down anywhere."
"Sorry,Coach, my bus was late." I lifted an eyebrow to look at this new player that catch's a bus, what's with this dork. Oh shit he just tripped over his bag, great now he's going to sit next to me. The meeting droned on and on, I thought again, about going to sleep, but that's not a good idea because the coach will have me running laps, and I needed to get away as soon as possible.
"Now that's it for today, everybody I want you to meet Jay Denver, he's playing in his first senior's game this Saturday. Some of you will know him and the rest of you get to know him, he's one of the pack this week, so we wish him well."
"Hi guys." He lifted his hand and sort of waved.
Another tryout, from the list of guys that play in the second's. I have watched him at training he's good, a runner for sure, but I don't know what his kicking skills are like. I do know he's a hot looking dude, maybe Italian extraction, but it's hard to tell. There are so many different cultures on the team I get lost in it all.
"Ben got a minute?" Coach mentioned my name.
"Yes coach."I was annoyed, he disturbed my rest.
"I want you to feed off Jay this Saturday. He will get the ball to you so keep an eye on him. He's quick and a dead straight kick so work with him. That's all guys, see you at training tomorrow."
"Jay by the way." His hand went out to me, I shook it then grunted and walked off out the door to my car, the last thing I need is friends.
"What a hottie that Jay is hey?"
"Yeah fucking sizzling John." I am a man of few words. I have to keep it all in check. John was at a party I went to ages ago. He was with his boyfriend; it seems he's got the hot's for the new kid. I wonder what his boyfriend would think of that. I actually didn't like him much, it's because of him and Kevin that Pete met Chris. I never went to their parties but Pete did. It was about then he stopped being my boyfriend. John has shut up about me being gay, I think that's a two way street, he knows I would never out him. The least I see of him the better, there's just something about him I detest in a man.
Starting my car and slipping the seat belt on I slowly steered it towards the exit. I had wanted to get to the supermarket before the school pick up traffic started. Those mums are ruthless on the roads after three.
Turning out of the footy club car park I threw my car into second gear and gunned it. There at the bus stop I saw Jay waiting for a ride. Get a fucking car mate. He was leaning on the Bus stop shelter, his bag slung over his shoulder looking as hot as hell. I drove straight past and headed for the shops.
After finding a parking spot, I then grabbed a trolley. Some kids saw me and started to talk footy so I talked as I shopped, I had a list today because I don't want to miss anything. I hate it when I have to drive back. The kids' mum pulled them away just as the thirtieth question was asked. Thank God, leave me alone. I paid for my stuff signed an autograph for the kid behind the counter, filled my boot, then drove home.
Closing the door behind me, I dropped the shopping bags on the floor, went over to the couch and flopped down. I pulled the cushion to my face and once again cried my heart out. I still feel the same emptiness inside; I am alone with no one to talk to, no one to hold at night, no one to share my life with anymore. I have to act straight at the club, so the guys don't get even a hint I'm gay. But fuck its so hard. I wish I could just sit with someone and pour my heart out but there's no one. There was only ever my Pete.
An hour later, after getting the sad's out of my slashed heart, I started putting the groceries away. Pushing my demons to the backburner, I started thinking about what to cook. I had made a list of things I could cook and was scared to try new things; because I have had more disasters than a Kardashian's butt job.
While chopping the tomatoes I thought about the way my life was heading. I have to stay focused on my career, that's the main thing. When I'm on the ground I feel fantastic, free, and the butterflies in my stomach lift me to a higher plateau. It's been four months now and no sign of Pete. He didn't even come back for the rest of his things. I will toss the suitcase out one day, I keep telling myself that, but the `things' in it were the things I had bought him; except for that very expensive gold chain he wore around his beautiful neck. He wouldn't leave that, of course he wouldn't. I reached up to my cheek and tears had started to drip down and get caught up in my dark five o clock shadow. Reaching over I pulled out yet another tissue to wipe my face; I should buy shares in that company.
I lit the barbeque on my small balcony, and then sat in the afternoon sun waiting for the grill to heat up, my mind went back to the meeting and Jay Denver. How much I would give to fuck that kid; he was gorgeous, in an innocent sort of way, and he looked as soft as silk waiting at the bus stop. His dark brown curly hair framed his perfect face, his olive skin was just waiting to be licked. Well no time to reflect on who I want to fuck because it's not going to happen. I noticed I had thrown a chubby. For a long time I couldn't get an erection didn't matter how hard I tried. But then I wasn't concentrating on sex anyway. I managed a few rubs but all I saw was Pete's face so I ignored it. I didn't want to invite him back to my bed, even though it was only an image, but I did have some awesome wet dreams.
I wondered where Pete had gone. When I had rung his office, to beg him to come back, I was told he had left the company and they had no forwarding address. Another gut wrenching moment in the life of Ben Chambers, superstar of the Melbourne football club; all round good guy, up for anything that makes him feel good. Yeah right, up for anything; only media hype. I wish I did get up to half the things I was supposed to be doing. But alas I'm pretty boring that's if you call my six three frame boring, I think not, you have a powerhouse of pure muscle standing over you waiting for the next insult from an opposition player and dying inside for a lost love, what a combination.
My steak was as usual, great, thanks mum for teaching me how to cook one. I didn't do a salad there was only me so I had it with some oven fries, and a chopped tomato. It will be my 25th birthday soon. I guess I will be celebrating on my own. Pete took me out to dinner last year but I really wanted to stay at home and fuck with him. He was so distant that year and when I found out about Chris that knife started to make its way between my ribs. It had finally ending up slicing my heart eight months later. You see Pete fell in love with Chris, and they continued the relationship while I was desperately trying to save ours; until one cold night, he couldn't take it anymore, and left.
Two years of sleeping in the same bed meant nothing to him. And Chris. Well good luck with that one, he's never been a one man person; I hope Pete doesn't get too hurt. I don't know if I would take him back now, not after all that's happened. But I do know I have no one, not that I didn't get offers. Its just they were not Pete's offers, sorry...no that's wrong. I don't get offers because I don't go anywhere.
I watched some TV, the usual stuff, like the footy show and shit like that. I didn't get a mention this week but the new recruit did. Jay Denver, an up and coming star, the viewers were urged to watch him play this Saturday.
A photo flipped onto the screen and I gasped, it was a professional club one he was fucking gorgeous. I could only dream of fucking him. For fuck's sake Ben get over it. You're probably the only gay player in the league apart from John. His face and body haunted me while I lay in bed, he's so fucking awesome looking, his body isn't as big as mine but it certainly rocked me as I stretched my powerful legs and spewed my load over a hand towel.
Thinking back to our club meeting he looked like he had a weight on his shoulders, a bit distracted, even tired maybe. I hope he doesn't end up like the other rough nuts in the team, and no I don't want him as a friend. I have no friends, especially at the club. Yeah I have mates but none of them know about my private hell. If they did I would be out of a job quick smart. The club preaches tolerance, but at the end of the day, the guys can't help themselves with the insults; and if the opposing team found out my number would be targeted relentlessly.
At training the next morning Jay was out and about in his shorts. His powerful legs were awesome and yes he was quick on the field. He could out run me. But anyway all I have to do during the game is a little elbowing and kick goals. Most of the hard work is done by the runners like Jay. Don't fuck it up mate, if you make me look bad I will come after you. Just kidding, I haven't a mean streak in my body; I just like people to think I'm a dick. I can't let the guys get too close to me. I don't want to be lured into the macho bullshit so I act mean and they leave me alone; if they only knew how I felt inside.
After running around the oval I started to do some handballing, then some goal kicking practice; one went over my head so I chased it down. As I was about to pick it up Jay walked by and nodded. I nodded back but that was all; keep it cool, its business as usual. He practiced his goal kicking then the whole team did handballing. His ass was screaming to get outa his shorts. It's been ages since I have had a fuck, shit; think of something gruesome, Ben, now, do it.
When we all left the club he was at the bus stop again. I did think about picking him up but passed by knowing I had to get home; and I don't want any friends. I saluted him as my car sped up the road. Surprisingly I didn't cry into my cushion today. I actually slept on the couch until the sun went down, great, now I'll be up all night.
We are not allowed to go out on the town the two nights before a game and it's frowned on if the players make a scene at a pub or get drunk in public. I'm not a big drinker and I usually drink alone because I enjoy a beer or two every now and then. It had been months since I let loose, so I made a decision, it was time to greet a new world, a world away from Pete and Chris. I wanted drinking and dancing to happen and the new bar that's opened up around the corner sounded right up my alley. It was within walking distance of my place so I hit the shower and started my routine. The one thing I had going for me was the nine inches that hung from my lower body, nice and long and beautifully thick. Pete had loved my dick, he sometimes fell asleep still sucking on it long after I had cum.
My muscles bounced around as I splashed aftershave over my clean shaven face, my blue eyes and sandy hair glistened in the light, and the thin matt of hair that travelled from my collar bone down to my pubes was, as Pete said, perfectly in tune with the curves of my body; adding shading that highlighted every muscle. He used to love sleeping on my stomach and would play with my pubes for ages until we fell asleep.
With my baseball cap on, and a warm jacket, I strolled up the street and around the corner to check out the new bar. It promised go-go boys and drag queens for my entertainment. If it all doesn't work out I didn't have far to get home. After ordering a drink I found a quiet table in the corner away from the dance floor. It wasn't a busy night and my cap did afford me some privacy. I sipped my scotch and coke and my feet tapped away at the music.
The go-go boys were in full flight, all three were dancing in golden cages. An older guy with an awesome body, a younger twink skinny as a rake and a handsome cowboy type, were shaking their asses to the beat. Up on stage I spotted a pole. I guess its there for the Dag show, sorry drag show later. A guy came over and tried to talk to me but I was unresponsive, because I had my eye on another guy that had just come in. He was beautiful and right up my alley; great body, six foot tall and white teeth that shone in the strobe lighting. What I wouldn't give to be firmly planted in that ass. An equally gorgeous hunk in leathers appeared by his side and smooched him. Well there goes that idea, not that I thought I would have a chance in hell, my pick up skills haven't been used in a few years. But when push comes to shove at least I can go into the dunny and get my dick sucked by someone desperate.
I turned my attention back to my stalker. He was gone but had been replaced with an equally annoying queen that wanted me to buy him/her a drink, I ignored his/her pleas pretending the music was too loud, which it hadn't been.
The stage lights went on and a new very raunchy dance tune started playing. This brought my attention back to the pole. My jaw dropped when I saw him; the best looking body I have ever seen was up on stage, he wore a black leather loincloth and a mask in the shape of an eagle's beak. The contours and shading of the lighting were making his body even more insanely hot.
Black hair tied back showcasing his long neck, he had begun his routine on the pole it was awesome. I immediately got a hard on. His ass was covered in the lap-lap but every now and then I would get a glimpse of his tan line, which was enclosed in a pair of black briefs. He took my breath away as he turned upside down, his tight ass crack gripping the pole. He was an artist not a go-go boy; he really was perfection plus. I really don't know much about dancers, but the few times Pete and I went to see a live show I sort of got it. The pure gymnastics, the energy that goes into every routine, must be murder on the legs and upper body. This hottie was making it look like a walk in the park. I know every muscle was straining and hurting; that olive skin was free of any blemish.
I felt the hand on my crotch first, then he felt the back of mine in his face, he fell off his seat and bounced on the floor. I didn't look at him as he skulked away with embarrassment. At least I was alone now, just me and my beautiful pole dancer, only four meters away from my table; so close but yet so far. I think I was dribbling from mouth to dick.
I was getting rather hot and sweaty watching this show. I imagined it was a private dance just for me, but when I tore my eyes off him the whole room had gone quiet everybody was watching. When I looked back I stared straight into his eyes, I took my cap off to scratch my scalp, he slipped and fell. I jumped up to help him but he was too quick. He took hold of his pole and finished his routine, and then he was gone, just like that.
He had enchanted me holding onto my heart for a moment then he cut me down when he coldly left the stage; without so much of a thank you. I wanted to own him. I needed to own him.
I moved around the two rooms for the next hour hoping he would come out for a drink or something, but decided his boyfriend must have whisked him away. I again felt empty, opting out on that visit to the men's room to find a willing mouth, I headed home alone.
My dreams that night were full of him. I didn't even know his name and the venue posters didn't mention a pole dancer let alone a name. His image put me to bed and as I raised my legs to widen them they cracked, and my balls emptied their juice over my tight abs, but in my brain I was buried deep in his hot tight ass. I felt worn out in the morning, but had to toughen up. It was Saturday, game day,and I had a full four quarters to do, twenty minutes each quarter, we were playing at home so the MCG wasn't that far from my place, I had better get going I needed a massage and my ankles need to be taped. Last year I twisted my right one, it sidelined me for two games, two precious losses for our team, I couldn't help. So to make sure that doesn't happen again the club insists I get them wrapped before every game.
Most of the boys were already there. Some had been rubbed down and I hailed George to let him know I needed one. He was working on Jay's legs. I couldn't help but notice he only had his underwear on, and the Physio's hand was stretching up under them to his bum cheeks. I didn't notice it, until it was too late, but my chubby arrived and it was going for gold by the time I caught it then willed it to go down. I was good at doing that in these change rooms. The amount of bum I have seen in here was plenty; I likened it to a closed cream cake shop.
There are plenty of good looking blokes on the team. All they talk about is pussy and kids, mowing the lawns, some barbeques with the mates. I never went when I was invited. I don't do the blokey bit, it's not my style. I am here to play football not win hearts in the change room. Jay was finished and George slapped his butt as he got up my heart raced my breath shortened, I had to look away you can't stare to long at the other guys they might think you're a poof.
"Good morning Ben." Jay said as he walked, no glided by.
I grunted dropping my shorts to the floor and laying face down on the bench so Georgie could get a good go at my legs.
I nearly went to sleep. I was certainly in raptures by the time George finished because Jay's locker was directly in my eyesight and I got a good look as he pulled his briefs off to be replaced with a jock strap and shorts. Now I am in big trouble, my chubby has turned into a raging hardon. My towel came in handy with this one. He shouldn't have shown me his creamy ass cheeks with two fucking hard dimples, and he shouldn't have bent down, even my tongue tried to get hard.
After dressing I started my warm ups, psyching myself up for the game. I thought Jay would only be played for a couple of quarters. The selection committee only let the new kids play about that much because they want to ease them into the game gently. I looked over at him he was stretching his legs. When I was about to turn away he did something you wouldn't expect from any of us, he did the splits then leaned down and placed his forehead onto his knee. I can only dream my body could do that. He moved his leg back and did the same with the other one. Now that's a position I could get to know a whole lot better.
The five minute siren went and we lined up to enter the arena, I noticed John was talking to Jay. What's he fucking up to? The game started well, Jay handed me three balls and he jumped in the air when I turned them into goals. He was merciless with his body. The other team tried to knock him down several times but he was to fast for them. This kid knew what he was doing and no one got in his way. He dodged, out ran and kicked straight to me and when I couldn't get to it there was John he kicked to also; who had also lined up and kicked two goals for our team. Jay was taken off after fifteen minutes for a rest, but back again in the next quarter where he ran rings around his opponents. At one stage no one was playing on him because he was too fast for them to catch up.
At half time in the change rooms he was on the floor doing stretches and cool downs.
"You haven't taken your eyes off him all day John what's up?" I whispered.
"Eh?"
"Jay, you keep looking at him is everything okay?"
"Yeah sure it is." He went red, I growled and walked into the toilet room.
When I got back John was in line and ready to go play. Jay was in his track suit and was ready to sit on the sidelines. I ran out onto the field picking up my shadow from the opposition, I made him follow me. I'm not a follower.
Another three goals and woops a point, but it wasn't my fault. We won the game and twelve thousand supporters started to leave the ground. I got George to take my strapping off, then showered. When the coach did his talk he praised Jay for his outstanding work today, I thought he did well; and I thought he looked spectacular too.
I ran my hand over my pec's and squeezed them, my nipples were standing out and begging to be sucked on. The guys were going to celebrate at the clubrooms, I was going to find my pole dancer, and had decided if I have to drag him off stage I will be fucking him before midnight. My small waist fit my Levis snugly and my ass stood firm. After I tucked my tight tank in I noticed my nipples popped out the sides. I didn't change, I liked the idea of my pole dancer looking at them and lusting, maybe. In other bars like this, usually the dancers are available, like I mean available for sex, usually money exchanges hands, but because this bar is more mainstream, it's probably not happening here. I will have to rely on my charm and charisma.
The place was alive tonight my now new favorite table taken. I did think about upturning it scattering the queens that gathered like chooks around it. Instead I stood at the bar but even that was uncomfortable because my ass was pinched, groped and rubbed by persons unknown to me. One or two hands got crushed in the process. It's nice to be wanted but I only want one person tonight and I won't take no for an answer. I'm a hard assed prick, you say. Well, try being hurt to the core and see if you don't harden up quickly; walls appear everywhere solid and cold.
After having a light bulb moment I asked the barman what time the dancers come on. He said in about fifteen minutes. I also asked what the pole dancer's name was.
"James mate, he's new, some sort of dance student and hot as hell but no one knows what he looks like. He wears that bloody mask to work and home apparently. Says he's
Straight, but I think he just doesn't want his boyfriend to know he's working here." He smiled then added,
"Man what I wouldn't give for a bit of that ass. It's perfect, he's perfect." I growled under my breath said a sort of thanks instead of punching him in the face; then went towards the stage. Finding a clear spot to the right I sat on it leaning up against the wall. I had a great view from here. An older man looked like he had won the prize until I scowled; he fled, probably going to make a cup of tea.
Music, where's the music? Everything had gone quiet. I heard a lot of shushing about the room then a very slow song came on to shake the huge speakers into life. He was there, a different mask, simple and black to match his fucking black tights that hung low off his hips. He was doing some sort of modern dance. His poise was perfect, his body smoldered under the lights, as he pirouetted across the stage finishing up two feet from my face. He looked down and smiled. My heart melted for this awesome piece of ass, he danced across to the other side, so fucking sexy.
The music tempo changed to thumping dance music and he began a sort of bump and grind dance. I didn't care, my eyes were on his ass and that bulge he was sporting. Suddenly his tights disappeared and he had nothing on except a dance belt.That bulge was real and I nearly ran on stage to cover him up. I found myself standing I was actually swaying to the beat of the music and I was totally by now in love with James my dancer. The music died and he was drenched in sweat, as he exited the stage he grinned at me again, I thought I'm in I don't care if he's a slut or a money boy, I want some and I want it soon.
My thoughts were on last night I didn't see him in the club after his act then, so I decided he had left by the back stage entrance. I ventured outside to find it, and it didn't take me long.The lonely light that hung over the black doorway shone its dull glow into the alley way. I waited to snare my prey. It took ages until the door finally flew open. A lone figure walked out with a bag slung over his shoulder. He stopped in his tracks when he noticed me.
"You are so fucking good." I said.
"Thanks." He replied.
"Can I walk you to your car?"
"No I catch a train."
His deep voice danced with my dick, I so wanted to push it in between those full pink lips.
"Can I walk you to your train?"
"Sure you can, but before you do mate, can I have your name?"
"Martin, and your James?"
"Martin, I see, nice name." I detected a smile.
"Well are we ready to go?" He said.
"Yes."
We had only gone a dozen steps when I spun him around and kissed him, I couldn't help myself I had to have him and I don't care if anyone sees us.
"What, what was that all about mate?" He was shocked.
"I had to kiss you, I want to fuck you, you are so fucking achingly awesome." He looked scared and his face changed to anger.
"Oh you want to fuck me?"
"Yes."
"Well I hate to disappoint you but I don't fuck mate, see you later."
He walked away into the night. I wanted to chase him, another slice at my heart. Where the hell did that come from? Ben your not that crass. Settle down a stupid, stupid thing to say idiot, you fucking fool, that's no way to pick up a god, shit you blew it.
My tears began as soon as I turned the corner they didn't stop until I flopped onto the couch, he doesn't fuck. I have to get to know him, maybe I was too eager maybe he's a top, I can do that, I will do that for him. I can't let my guard down, not again. I have to stay positive, and I can't let anyone walk all over me. But Ben, settle down, ease into it. Fuck me he's in my head now. I tried to think about Pete, but my brain said whose Pete?
I regretted bitterly saying that to him because a walk to the station would have been so wonderful. I needed to be by his side. I wanted to get to know him. I can wait for sex, I can do that. But no, I will get hurt again, cutting stabbing crushing pain. I was up at three am sitting on my small balcony contemplating having a smoke, but I don't smoke. So I started again, I spread my legs and cupped my balls, I imagined my dancer sitting down on my lap, then my left hand played with my nipple while my right took care of business spewing the contents of my balls onto the concrete floor. I went back to bed and wished it was night time so I could wait in our alley to maybe walk James to the station.