The Deepest Cut

8 The deepest Cut

When he came in the door he had fire spitting from his eyes and my front door almost lost its hinges when he slammed it.

"Hey what's the matter, what did that door ever do to you?"

"Fuck off," he replied.

I sank into the kitchen chair and thought if it's a fight he wants he's going to get it. "You were annoying the other cast members Jay. They had to do that so they could get some rehearsal time too. It's not all about you mate."

He had changed into his shorts and tank top when he came out pointing his finger at me. "You did this, you did it, it's got your name written all over it, why, why?"

"I didn't do anything. The director did it and he will keep doing it until you settle down on trying to exhaust yourself. He doesn't need a patient - he needs a healthy dancer."

"Well I'll see you later."

"Where are you going Jay?"

"To the club to get my old job back, I can rehearse there."

"Over my dead body you will, come on sit here and let's talk."

"Fuck off."

That was the second time he had said that to me and I won't take it again. "Sit here or by God I will break your fucking neck, and stop telling me to `fuck off', Jay. I won't fuck off and I won't let you grind yourself into a hospital bed, Now sit and let's talk."

He went silent and looked like he was weighing up his options. I guess I won in the end. "Now let's talk like civilized adults. Why do you feel the need to be at rehearsals every day, Jay?"

He mulled it over and I nearly shook him.

"Because I need to be the best I can."

"Bullshit! What a crock of Cocky shit. You are already the best. All you're doing is putting more and more pressure on the other dancers. They already admire your skills. But believe me, Jay - that will quickly change if you keep going the way you are."

He played with the pen on the table and didn't answer me but I could see all he wanted to do was bolt. I sighed.

"Well if you won't talk to me then maybe you will listen to mum. I think a visit is in order because, Jay, although I love you dearly you can't ruin our relationship like this, I won't let you."

"You know what Ben, fuck you!"

"Jay, stop saying that!" I was livid.

"At least Jus had faith in me. He encouraged and he made all this happen." He stopped and lowered his head.

He pushed his chair back and left banging that poor door again. I sat there stunned and couldn't move for ages. I don't know where he went and he didn't come home that night but he did come in later the next morning. He grabbed his backpack and put some clothes in it without saying a word. I took his arm and spun him around.

"Jay please don't do this. Please talk to me Jay, I can't let you go without talking. Please I beg you," I cried.

He didn't say anything but just walked out the door again. I screamed so loud and had to find my cushion again. I hadn't used it at all since Jay came into my life but now I needed it more than ever. That dagger was moving again and it made the deepest cut as it sliced at every part of my existence.

"He's gone Lawry. He just up and left four days ago and I haven't seen head or hide of him. I can't believe he did that to me. They haven't seen him around the footy club but they are chasing him. He needs to go to training or they will demote him. I'm sorry I just can't think straight enough. Has he been turning up at rehearsals at least?"

"Yes sir but only the once. He's not talking to anyone and the director is pushing June to find someone else as he thinks Jay has had a breakdown."

"Does he know where he's living?"

"No, sir, but we have people onto that as we speak. One of the girls told us he had just started dancing last night at a gay club somewhere."

I had wept into my pillow every time I arrived home and functioning around other people became virtually impossible, so I was left alone at training. One day I'll wipe the big smirk off John's face but for now I have to cool it. I did ask him if he knew where Jay was staying but he said no.

I had to go to the club that night to face my angel. It was crowded and I slipped by the bouncers at the door. I knew they wouldn't let me in looking the way I did - all attitude. I couldn't see him on stage and then reality hit me and my stomach lurched - he was dancing but he wasn't on stage.

He was locked up in a cage being pawed over by anyone who wanted to. Pete, Chris and John were there to ogle and touch any part of Jay's body they desired; in a dreamlike state l walked, pushed and shoved my way through the crowd of onlookers until I was close enough to see Jay's face. Tears ran down my cheeks as I tried to find the words that would bring my angel home to me. He stared at me like I didn't exist then he mouthed, "Help me Ben." He slumped.

I nearly vomited on the spot but he all of a sudden had collapsed to the floor as I tried hard to find the door on the cage so I could free my angel. Three bouncers were onto me and violently saw me outside and they told me not to come back. I waited at the stage door but he didn't appear, my heart was breaking as I sobbed into my arms. It was almost daylight when I woke in that alley, I had fallen asleep totally exhausted against a wall.

My phone was buzzing in my pocket. It was mum. Jay had been admitted to hospital overnight with drug induced problems and suspected total exhaustion. Mum sounded very worried. I found my car and headed that way and thought, "By God he's going to talk to me if it's the last thing he ever does!"

I met mum at reception, she stood back and I could see tears in her eyes but I had no time for explanations as a man appeared beside her. The doctor said they had pumped his stomach as the drugs he took were lethal and coupled with his complete exhaustion he somehow made his way to hospital. They had found contact numbers in his wallet. He showed us to Jay's room and mum sat outside while I went in first. I took a deep breath and slowly entered.

He looked sick, really sick, and my heart broke once more to see him like this. He began to cry when he noticed me and pulled the white sheet over his face because he couldn't look at me. I gently pulled it out of his hands then forced myself to smile.

"Hey, how you doing my sweet angel?"

"Ben I'm so sorry I did this to you, so desperately sorry," he whispered and I swept him in my arms while he wept.

"It's all right, angel, I'm here for you so just get better. Nothing - absolutely nothing else – matters, only that you get some rest. I've been so worried for you, baby, so fucking painfully worried."

"Stay with me for a little while, please Ben? I love you and I am so sorry I treated you like that but I was in such a dark, lonely place."

"Of course I will my angel. Whatever you want. Ben won't be going anywhere." Then he started sobbing loudly and deeply. I held him harder and allowed him to get it out of his system. After what seemed hours he lifted his head and looked into my eyes.

"I missed him so much Ben, so desperately. Every time I danced I felt him there and he would always be beside you, I wish he hadn't died. I would give my life just to hold him one more time but I couldn't do that to you, Ben, I loved you so much too."

"I know you loved him deeply. He was your whole life and, if I could, I would bring him back for you! But now, just rest, angel. You need that more than anything at the moment. The rest we can talk about later on. Just get well."

"I was trying to repay him for getting me to the point where I actually got noticed for my dancing. I wanted to be the best I could for him. He did a wonderful thing for me Ben. I just wanted to repay him a little but I destroyed everything else I loved in the process. I couldn't talk to you about it and I don't know why."

"You didn't destroy anything angel, I'm still here."

"Chris offered to put me up but I wanted to come home to you because I missed you so much. They somehow talked me into staying the night at their place after the club. I don't know how the drugs were given to me and I'm so sorry, Ben. Nothing happened baby. I was on to them when I got to the club. John appeared and started touching me. I was in no fit state to dance on the stage so they locked me in the cage," he sobbed.

"It's over now and it still doesn't matter. I always knew how you felt but you wouldn't let me help you. I wanted to so much Jay. You have to let me in somehow." I cried into his crisp white sheets.

His hand rested on my head and he said,"I love you Ben."

"I love you too my angel, please just rest."

We stayed like that for ages and Jay was still fast asleep when I woke. His face was calm and he looked so beautiful.

A nurse came in and injected him with something. "He will be out for at least eight hours, Mr. Chambers. Why don't you come back in the morning? We need him to completely rest."

I spoke to my mum and Lawry then I returned to his room to get his wallet, there was something I wanted from his little address book.

Turning up at training after leaving my boy sick and broken was one of the hardest things I have had to do in my lifetime. I sat in the coach's office and we talked about a lot of things, mainly Jay's breakdown. Then I told him about Justin and a little about our friendship. Better to get it out there. He told me they would give Jay as much time as he needs to recover and they already knew about us but it has gone no further as far as he knows. He had guessed Justin was more than a friend. I ran onto the ground not really wanting to be there, I wanted to hold my angel.

"How is he?"

"Who John?"

"Jay, he looked like shit last night when we dropped him at the hospital after the club."

"Who dropped him off John?"

"Chris, Pete and I. They said he had taken something and was having a bad reaction to it."

Fucking liar he knew what was wrong. I was about to explode but I needed to know the next answer and formed it as best I could. "But they had given him the drugs, hadn't they?"

For someone that didn't know where Jay was a few days ago when I asked, John seemed to know plenty now.

"Well yes, he was going to stay last night at their place but before that he was in a rooming house."

"Now tell me Chris isn't a drug dealer."

John blushed and went very quiet.

"And you stood there and watched them try to destroy him didn't you? You even got a grope or two in at the club didn't you? You knew if they got him to the stage where he couldn't think straight you might be able to fuck him...didn't you?" I was in his face shouting and I didn't care who heard me.

"Well I knew he was on something but I didn't think..."

He didn't feel the first blow, he was too busy trying to work out what hit him, maybe he didn't feel the second one either but as sure as hell he fucking felt the third and fourth one. The fifth one saw him fall to the ground and the sixth smashed his jaw. I lost count after that because the boys were trying to pull me off him. I had lost it in a big way and he will never forget who did this to him, never in a million years will he forget me. He will never cross my fucking path ever again!

I was dragged still screaming into the change rooms while an ambulance was called for that lowly, weak cunt. I had wanted to put him in a hearse yet he left the ground in so much pain, the sort of physical pain you get when you've been hit by a Mack truck. But not the mental pain from losing a lover or a friend. The pain the spirit feels is not the same - it's a constant ache that eats away at you forever. That pain that throbs away and cuts deeply and is always within you.

After some of the guys settled me down a little I snatched my bag and headed for the car. I had one more stop to make before I went to be with my Jay. I looked through Jay's address book.

He opened the door with that stupid smirk on his face but when he saw me he froze. With one punch he flew through the air landing on the hard floor.

"Ben, what the fuck are you doing here?" Pete yelled. Crunch, he hit the deck and I leant over Chris who was still reeling from the first punch. With one hand I picked him up and rammed his head into the brick wall face first. Then turning, I kicked Pete so hard in the balls he spewed his guts out. He was screaming with pain so I kicked him in the head snapping his nose in the process, he looked like a twisted witch when I was done with him and he was out to it. I couldn't say anything to them - they wouldn't have heard me anyway. I was so intent on killing them both.

Someone was pulling at me as I tried to pick Chris up to eventually throw the piece of shit over his balcony. Pete would have been tossed not long after if that person hadn't got a grip on me.

"Sir you must calm down! Ben look at me! This isn't helping. They are out to it. Please, there's nothing more you can do to them. Ben, listen to me!"

It was Lawry and he had the strength of two bulls holding me.

I breathed heavily. "I'm not finished yet. I'm not finished destroying these bastards completely!"

"You are, sir. We need to get out of here quickly and pray there are no security cameras or nosey neighbors."

He dragged me out of the flat but not before I jumped on Chris's leg snapping it, he didn't feel a thing.

When Lawry got me into my car the pain arrived in my hands. I must have broken a finger or two but I will have to put up with it.

"Take me to see Jay, I want to see him before I'm arrested. I need to see him, Lawry."

"Not if I can help it sir".

He pulled out his phone and called the police. "I heard a lot of noises coming from the flats. The guys in the flat are drug dealers and I'm afraid to venture out. Can you come to...?" He gave them the address then hung up.

He wiggled his phone at me and said, "Untraceable."

"They gave him drugs Lawry. They tried to destroy me, and they tried to destroy my angel." I cried so hard I thought I would never ever stop. Lawry pulled over at a bottle shop and bought me a six pack of Jacks and Coke. I skulled one and calmed down a little halfway through the second. He got me to do some breathing exercises then checked my hands out before turning into the traffic. He drove me to a big house in Toorak that had a doctor's surgery attached to it.

"I need to be with Jay."

"He's still asleep. The nurse will ring me when he's awake, Ben, but for now you need some attention from an old family friend."

The doctor x-rayed my hands but nothing was broken, just grazing and a few pulled tendons. He gave me some painkillers and bandaged them.

My phone wouldn't stop buzzing so I eventually answered it,

"Jay."

"Yes, Ben, and if you don't get in here very soon I will come looking for you."

"I won't be long angel." I hung up.

"He's pissed off; maybe the club is looking for me."

"I will take care of the club sir. Just go and be with our boy. I will see you soon."

He dropped me at emergency and I made my way upstairs to Jay's room. He was sitting up drinking some concoction.

"You made it and I see with very little damage too."

I blushed.

"I always thought you had anger management problems, Ben, but I didn't think I would ever see it." He smiled and it was good to see.

"They are low life Jay. They used you to get to me. Where do you think the drugs came from?"

"I know Ben, at first they made me feel wonderful. They blocked out my pain and I needed to be spared any more agony. I knew later on they were slipping them to me Ben but I didn't care by then."

"You didn't care about me either." The room went quiet.

"No Ben, I cared for you too much and I still do. When you came to the club and I watched your face that was when I stopped trying to hold on to Justin. I wanted to hold you but in my head I wanted you to feel as bad as I did. I had a bad reaction to the drugs, thank God. I shudder to think what might have happened when they got me home. However, they brought me here and dumped me on the street out the front like I was a dog to find my own way in. It took forever to find the strength to even get to the emergency door."

The air in his room went cold.I was so fucking angry I had a headache dreaming up various murders.

"Let it go Ben, please! If I know them, they won't be making any noises from now on. All three of them are drug dealers and when the club finds out John's career is over. Please, Ben, stay here with me."

I looked into his beautiful green eyes and wept. I wept for him and me, and I wept for Justin. He was the only person able to fix this for Jay but unfortunately he was dead. I kissed him repeatedly while he slipped off to sleep. His angel face was perfect; he was perfect.

Mum and Lawry eventually talked me into going and having some lunch with them. I didn't want to go, but they insisted.

"I've made a bigger mess in six hours than I have made in my whole life, mum. I'm so sorry you had to go through it all."

"It's okay son we have it covered."

I looked at Lawry and he cleared his throat.

"I've had a word to the club secretary, John will be sacked and it will be up to him whether he wants to press charges but the club won't back him. And, by the way, Ben the team has backed you one hundred per cent," he added smiling.

"He's in here somewhere having his jaw wired up. His location has been kept secret but Ben, it's not a good look to attack a very ill patient," he smirked. "The other two were found and were taken to the city hospital with several fractures and bruises plus one broken leg and the cops found a substantial amount of drugs in their flat. They are more interested in that than to worry about who attacked them. My feelings are they think it was their supplier and I hear they are both not saying anything."

"How did you know I was there?"

"Tracking device in your car sir. All the best millionaire's sons have them nowadays."

"But I'm not - Barney is."

"Fuck Barney, he's got plenty of dough," mum said with a laugh.

"Mum!"

"Well he has! Now, I want you to go home and rest, son. Jay will need all your strength when he's allowed to go home."

"What's going to happen with the show?" I needed to know.

"He's been replaced, Ben. I feel he's not ready just yet. It's a taxing role and his understudy is nearly as good. Maybe the next one when he's a bit stronger, honey."

"Thank you both." I kissed and hugged them and said I would see them tomorrow. Having taken one last stolen kiss from Jay's sweet lips, I headed for home.

Dragging myself upstairs I checked - there were no cops around. I quietly slipped into our home, leaning on the door totally spent from thinking too much. I had to find an answer for Jay. I just had to help him. Maybe the answer is not in his future but in his past. I had remembered his wedding suits and the envelopes residing in the inside pockets so I took the envelopes out to the kitchen with me. Sitting at the table I fumbled with my bandaged hands to open Jay's.

Jay's Vows:

My husband Justin, you are the light in my life and you know I will always adore you no matter what. From the first day you have made me laugh and brought so much joy into my life, I hardly know where to start; but marrying you is a good place to begin, because we can now, together, start our journey equally. I thank you for the love you fill my heart with every day, I love you deeply and forever my Justin.

I could imagine Jay writing this to his lover. I wasn't jealous. I felt blessed I know such a wonderful human being. I re-folded the note and replaced it into its envelope then I looked at Justin's thinking now I am invading his privacy. My emotions were going haywire but I had to read it.

I read then re-read the vows with a new respect in my heart for Justin and my head bowed in homage. Thank you Justin, thank you. I will keep him safe and I will love him just as much as you did. I have my answer now, thank you. My head rested on my arms at the table and I wept for some time. I was dog tired by the time I crawled into bed and ached all over but slept well, knowing Jay was getting the best treatment and he will never go back to that hideous club again.

The sun came beaming through the blinds, beautiful bright sunshine today. My lungs came to life as I lay in bed trying to shake the sleep away. I jumped out and put the kettle on and while it boiled I had a shower. I dressed and went to answer the knocking on the door. It was Lawry and the doctor who had patched me up. He applied fresh bandages and soothed my wounds with some sort of balm. I thanked him then he quietly slipped away.

"It's not what you know sir, it's who you know." Lawry smirked. "Well, anyway, that's out of the way. I must say you look much better than yesterday, sir. Did you sleep well?"

"Yes, the best sleep Lawry. I found Jay's answer when I got in last night. I am eager to get to the hospital to see him, to begin to heal his heart and mind."

"I see, but that would be pretty hard to do this morning, sir, considering he's probably standing outside your front door at the moment."

"What?"

"It's not what you know sir..." He didn't get it out as I rushed to the door to see my angel and my mum standing there. I took him in my arms and kissed his sweet lips basking in his glory as he held me tight in his. My tears arrived but I wiped them away with my fresh white bandages.

"Itchy eyes Ben?"

"Yes Jay, there's a lot of that going around lately."

They came in and I went to make coffee but Lawry had that covered. Mum kissed my cheek and said, "Good morning." She looked tired but I guess she's been a busy girl the past few weeks.

"Ben, Jay and I have had a good talk about things and he's agreed not to hold us to his contract this time and will stand down from the production, but he's thinking about Swan Lake next year."

"I am?" Jay looked surprised.

She handed him an envelope.

"And this is your severance pay cheque while I think of it."

Jay opened itand he nearly fainted.

"This is way too much June. There's no way I'm taking this."

"Why not? We have to buy out your contract. It's all legal that way and, of course, this is what its worth now, so don't give me any grief son. I already have one wayward boy to contend with." She stared at me and I blushed.

He shook his head and placed the cheque on the table, and, smiling, his gorgeous eyes found mine. He looked so tired. I decided I needed him to get some shuteye. I let mum and Lawry out and thanked them many times.

"Just look after our boy son. That's all you have to do."

"I will mum."

I swept Jay into my arms and we kissed deeply and seemingly forever. He apologized to me and I told him all is forgiven and he should go forward with his life and not look back.

I walked over to the TV unit when Jay went to shower and picked up his angel statue then placed it on his bedside table, resting Justin's vows against it. It's up to him now, but I pray to God this helps. I sat at the table and listened to his deep sobbing It went on for ages but ceased soon after I crawled into bed beside him to help sooth his heavy heart. He moved his back into me and I folded my big arms around his body keeping him safe.

"Thank you Ben, you found it, thank you."

"I knew it would be in there somewhere angel. It will help you a little with the healing."

"I love you so much Ben, thank you my beautiful angel."

"Go to sleep baby, I've got this covered.

"You won't play with my bum will you?"

"I might."

"Good, and thank you."

He drifted off holding Justin's vows to his heart. I hope dreaming of a beautiful angel being released from his cage.

Justin's Vows:

My beautiful husband Jay, I have some promises I want you to hear today. I promise to always look out for you, to love you and to stand by you on our journey together. I promise I will not knowingly harm you or cause you to doubt my love for you. I also promise to show you the correct path in life and make sure we are taking the same one. And I promise if I ever were parted from you, I will send a guardian angel to hold you in his wings, to heal your soul and open your heart so you can love again. These things I promise you my love, these things are set solid in my heart. I love you.

Thank you all for reading my story it will return in the future.