The First Kiss

This is the second story I have written...the first one is entitled "Lyle's Eighteenth Birthday" and is located under "Gay Male / Camping". I would deeply appreciate positive/negative feedback...please send to sr4172@yahoo.ca Thank-you and enjoy!

This story is dedicated to someone who wishes to remain anonymous. He has been an incredible friend and an encouraging (and thorough) editor.

~ ~ ~ -------------------- The First Kiss By: Sean Roberts Words: 19, 387 --------------------

His school contained the rich and the poor; people of different races. He went to a public school where everybody dressed and spoke differently because individuality was encouraged - but only up to a point. Despite everybody's differences, there was always something that linked them back to everybody else. But this link did not extend to Sean. He did not socialize much at school, but at the same time he did not disrupt class, vandalize school property or start fights in the hallways. He was quite happy being the way he was - to him, it was not important to have many - or any - friends.

He was not into sports, so he was not well-liked by the jocks. He was one of the most beautiful boys in school (this won him many admiring looks from the female population), so he was not liked by the lonely. He dressed well and drove an expensive car, so by the intellectuals of the school he was seen as "trying to be cool," but not to an extreme because the "cool" kids did not like him either. There were countless other groups in the school, each with their own reasons for not including him.

Sean would have liked some company, but he accepted the fact that he had nobody to go out with on Friday nights, and nobody to call when he needed to talk. He would drive home after school and spend the evening finishing his homework. Then after a long swim in his backyard pool, he would dine with his parents. He enjoyed swimming, and had thought about joining the team at school, but he would not be caught dead removing his clothes in front of other people.

His favourite time of the day was after supper. He would make himself some coffee, or tea, or cocoa, whichever he felt like drinking. With his cup and saucer, he would retire to his immaculately kept room filled with plants, books, and a large aquarium. Before turning on the bedroom light, he would switch on the light of the tank. The blue, fluorescent light would hum and fill the room with warmth. While watching the graceful fish, he would take the first sip of his drink. They too, were like him. Each fish was surrounded by the rest of the school, yet they never seemed to interact. Sean got a sense of comfort knowing that they too kept to themselves, despite the abundance of company around them. Sean would then head over to his desk, which was always kept completely bare, with the exception of a small desk lamp. While sitting at his desk he was provided with a view of the professionally landscaped yard, as well as the moonlit swimming pool. The reflection of the moon on the water soothed him, and at times he would sit still, watching the fluid movement of the water or the craters of the moon. After placing his drink on the desk he would undress. He was the most honest when he was naked because there was nothing covered up, nothing hidden. Being naked allowed him to expose himself to the world, but at the same time only to himself. He had a soft throw that he would wrap around himself. From the top drawer he would take out some paper; from the drawer below it his silver fountain pen - his favourite pen. The pen he loved because of its look and feel, and because of the hours he had spent searching pen shops and antique stores to find the perfect one. He loved watching the wet ink create curves and lines on the paper, which would then dry into a permanent piece of art. He was unable to write with anything else. It was maybe superficial of him. He thought, at times, that maybe the writing did not really come from his heart but from his pen. But he never tested the validity of this thought - he liked his pen so he would use it.

With a tug and a click the cap would come off the pen, and he would place it gently beside his drink on the desk. Then he would write the date at the top of the page - a good way to keep everything organized. Then he would stare out of his window for as long as he needed to. Then something - maybe a gust of wind, maybe a seductively shaped cloud, maybe the movement of a tree or perhaps the flight of a bird - would provide him with a burst of inspiration, and his pen would immediately begin scratching against the paper, and would produce a personal journal entry, a poem or a story.

His routine had remained consistent for three years, ever since he had turned fourteen. The time he spent reading and writing helped him develop vocabulary and style, so writing became something that allowed him to feel good about himself. He took his writings very seriously.

Sean's writings covered a broad range of topics - how his day went, nature, his family, his ambitions, love. His favourite was love. But he did not know what love felt like, so conveying it was as big a challenge for him as finding it. Still, he took what he read in books or saw in movies, and formed conclusions about love in his own mind, then put it down on paper.

The fish tank sat on a large, wooden block. The front of the block contained hand-carved designs, and also an almost undetectable keyhole. Turning the key would cause two doors to swing open and reveal a stack of paper - dated and in chronological order - that had been building up for three years. Every day when he finished writing, the pile would increase and the doors would close. Then Sean would shut himself up in bed, wrap the covers around himself so tightly that even the glow of the moon could not get to him, close his eyes and think of Beth.

Like he did in all his classes, Sean made sure to sit right in the front of ninth grade English - his first class on the first day of high school. It was his favourite subject, and when Beth walked in, he knew that he would enjoy the class even more. She was the last person to enter the class that day. She looked around the room, and seeing no familiar faces she sat right beside Sean. All of the seats towards the back of the room were taken up anyway. Sean had been busy getting out a pen and paper when the teacher walked in and began introducing herself, so he did not notice Beth until the teacher began to give out an assignment, and Beth tapped his shoulder and whispered, "Excuse me." Sean turned around. "Can I borrow some paper?" She said, her blue eyes that were slightly too large for her face opening up to their fullest. When he saw her he saw perfection. Anybody else looking at her would have noticed that her eyes were a bit too small for her eyebrows; her ears were bit too big for her face; her nose was slightly too long for its shape; her lips were a bit dry, and she had a few pimples. But Sean saw shiny, bright eyes; perfect ears to whisper his deepest secrets into; a nose that he hoped could smell his expensive cologne; moist, pink lips that he wanted to taste; and pimples that added a dash of colour to her beautiful face. He stared for a few moments, unable to do anything else. He had never before seen someone as beautiful as her, and he quickly became enthralled by her slim legs that were barely hidden by the pleated, grey skirt she was required to wear.

"Umm, sorry," he said finally. "What did you want?"

"Some paper," she said, pointing to his open binder on his desk."

"Oh yeah, umm, sure." He took some out of his binder and handed it to her, holding it out, and watching her perfectly curved, red nails as she took it gently from his hand with a quick, but polite, "thank-you." When class was over, he sat in his seat, taking his time putting away his things because he wanted to watch her walk out of the classroom. As she did, her shoulder-length, straight blonde hair bouncing like the mane of a horse.

Through the years they spoke very little. There were numerous occasions where he wanted to ask her out, but he did not because he never thought she would be interested in him. After all, nobody else at school was.

Sean would sometimes take things out of his stack of writing to read. But the page right at the bottom was never removed. Sean never needed to re-read it because its contents were always at the back of his mind. There were times that he wished to take it out from the stack and toss it in the garbage, or burn it, but he could never bring himself to do it. It was too important to let anything happen to it.

~ ~ ~

Turning seventeen brought about many changes for the boys and girls at Sean's school. They now had cars, more independence from their parents, girlfriends, boyfriends, cigarettes, drugs alcohol and access to clubs. Of course, despite entering this new phase of life some of them still did not mature.

After summer vacation, it always took Sean a couple of weeks to settle back into his routine. He had taken a summer school course to get ahead - it was the most productive way for him to spend his time. But the absence of regular school gave him more time on his hands which he used to swim and write. Still, he was glad when school began because it would occupy his mind.

He was walking down a hallway one day when he spotted Beth. It was not the first time that year he had seen her - they had a class together. But when he saw her, something happened inside of him and he suddenly desired her more than usual. So much, in fact, that he began mustering up the courage to talk to her. She was gathering books at her locker, so she would not see him if he just walked by. He would have to stop and speak to her. As he approached he began thinking about what he was going to say to her, but even this was difficult because he had doubts as to whether or not she would even want to talk to him. Before the answer came to him, he felt something on his back, and he quickly fell forwards, straight into her. Instinctively he put his hands outwards and as he fell he pushed her straight to the floor. He had tried not to land on her so only half of him was on her, and the other half on the floor. Before he realized what had happened, he felt himself being roughly pulled up by his blazer. He was spun around and pushed up against the lockers. In front of him was Chris - the handsome, popular, friendly, and immature boy that had pushed him. Chris, however, had other qualities that he did not readily show the world. He was bright, sensitive, loving, and gay. None of his unknown qualities had anything to do with each other - he was not sensitive because he was gay, nor was he loving because he was sensitive - he simply possessed these qualities. He did not want to expose his sexual orientation because he enjoyed being popular with women. He associated his sensitivity with being gay, so he made sure not to show that side of him. He desperately wanted to keep his secret, but doing this was a burden, and he relieved the tension caused by this through violent outbursts against people like Sean.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" Chris asked mockingly. "You know you can be put in jail for harassing a girl!" He pulled Sean away from the locker, then shoved him against it for the second time. Then Chris let him go and laughed with his friends as they walked away.

It was not the first time such a thing had happened to Sean - he was Chris' favourite target. The incidents were never too serious, so Sean usually shrugged them off. When he thought about them he understood that it happened to him because he was different, because he did not fit in. But still he did nothing about it. At night he would lie in bed and cry himself to sleep. Afterwards, he would never think about it again. That day, however, Sean could not dismiss what had happened because it happened in front of Beth; it even involved her. So he stood against the locker, embarrassed at what he had just done to her. He blamed himself for the incident - it was his fault for not falling to the side, it was his fault for being the target of bullies. After a few moments had passed he forced himself to look at her. She was looking back at him sorrowfully. She wanted to ask him whether or not he was all right, but she did not get the chance.

"I'm sorry," Sean said. He was unable to look directly into her eyes, and he regretted this after, but after apologizing he quickly walked away without giving her the chance to tell him whether or not she accepted it.

"It's okay," she said softly. He had probably not heard, but it did not matter because it was not really what she wanted to say. When he had looked at her then, she saw, through his brown eyes, the feelings he had for her. She was not absolutely sure, but the look in his eyes increased the tempo of her heart and made her legs slightly weaker. As she put her hand against the locker to steady herself, she realized, with a shock, that she had the same feelings for him, but had been too foolish to acknowledge them.

Chris was one of those teenagers who thought it was "cool" to add a noisy apparatus to the exhaust of his car, and then install a stereo to combat the sound. Then to draw attention to the machine he had spent so much money on he drove faster and more dangerously than everybody else on the road.

He did, however, follow some driving regulations, such as periodically checking his mirrors. The same day he had pushed Sean, he was driving in front of Sean. He recognized Sean's black Jaguar - a nice car, but a pretentious car. No wonder Sean would pick something like that, Chris thought, even though with the same money he could have gotten a sports car. Chris was secretly jealous, the Jaguar was much nicer than his Miata. Seeing Sean behind him, he braked suddenly, then revved his engine and sped up. Then when Sean had caught up to him, he slammed on his brakes once again. Sean, needing to turn right at the upcoming intersection, put up with Chris' taunting. But after these few attempts at bothering Sean, Chris did not stop. He continued braking and accelerating, braking and accelerating until Sean became angry and developed the thought that if he wanted Beth he would have to fight for her, and this was a fight he knew he could win. He did not fully understand why Chris was the one to fight. Perhaps because he was right there, looking for one. Sean checked his mirror, gunned his engine and quickly switched lanes. Effortlessly, his speed surpassed Chris' (who was also speeding up at the time), and without warning, he switched back in front of Chris, staying as close as possible. As soon as he was in front of Chris, he pulled his emergency brake, bringing his car to a sudden stop. Sean waited to hear the sound of the two cars colliding, but he heard nothing. Chris had managed to stop, though he was less than an inch away from Sean's car.

Angry that his plan had not worked, but even more furious for all the embarrassment Chris had caused him earlier, Sean got out of his car. Sean was slim, and this made it difficult for him to look menacing. Still, that day and at that moment, he managed it. His school uniform - the grey pants, white dress shirt, navy blue and white striped tie, and navy jacket - was not compliant with the latest fashions, but made him look handsome. His expensive sunglasses hid his eyes, the most beautiful part of his innocent face. With his quick and confident walk he made Chris a little nervous. But it's only Sean, Chris thought to himself, and got out of his car. Sean walked up to Chris, removed his sunglasses and placed them inside the front pocket of his shirt. Then as he looked into Chris' green eyes his rage built up once again. As he swung he remembered all the times Chris had bullied him, but especially the events of that same day. He swung hard, and his fist landed right on Chris' nose. Sean suddenly felt a pain in his wrist, and so he did not see what he had done to Chris. But suddenly Chris was no longer standing in front of him, and he looked downwards and saw Chris' body lying flat on the road. Chris held his nose as his face turned red from the pain, the heat and the blood.

Sean was sorry - he had not meant to hurt Chris so badly. But he could not now show weakness. If he did, he would continue to be humiliated publicly by Chris, and now that Chris was beginning to involve other people, especially Beth, in his malicious pranks, they would have to stop. He turned around and began walking back to his car.

"Wait!" He heard Chris say in a muffled voice. He ignored the voice and climbed into his car. He started the engine and listened. The hum of the engine sounded to him like crying. And then he realized that it was he who should be crying. He had done what he should never have done - he stooped to Chris' level to solve his problem. This was something he could never take back, but he could try to make up for it. He took a box of tissues out of the glove box and emerged from his car. Chris had just managed to stand up when Sean went over to him. Chris held some of the tissues against his nose, and Sean watched the blood flow through the tissue and start dripping out the other side. Then Sean's guilt dripped out as he said,

"Are you okay?" Sean handed him more tissue. Chris nodded. "Hold your head up," Sean said. "Listen, I don't live far from here. Why don't you come home? I can bring you back later to get your car." Chris nodded his head, and Sean helped Chris into the car and got in himself. "Try not to bleed on the seat." Sean regretted the statement. Not only had he been responsible for the bleeding, but Chris was likely to do the opposite of what he was asked. Sean glanced over, and to his surprise he saw Chris trying to prevent the blood from dripping.

"Do you think it's broken?"

"No, it doesn't hurt that much." Sean drove quickly back to his house, led Chris into the bathroom and helped him wash his face.

"Thanks," Chris said.

"Is it okay?"

"It's just hurting a bit. I'm sure it'll be okay soon. At least the bleeding's stopped."

"I'm really sorry," Sean said. "I didn't mean to hit you so hard."

"Well, I guess I had it coming," Chris replied, smiling.

"I'm still sorry. Umm, so do you want something to eat, like cookies or something? Or should I just take you..."

"Yeah! I mean, yes please. It's just that I haven't eaten all day. I was studying at lunch, I had a big math test." They went downstairs and Sean served a plate of cookies. "By the way," Chris said, stuffing one into his mouth. "I'm sorry too, for today." He paused. "And, umm, for, I guess all the other times I've..."

"Yeah. Want something to drink?"

"Sure. Milk? It always goes well with cookies." Sean poured him a glass. "Aren't you going to have anything?"

"No. I'm not really hungry."

"Oh, okay. You have a really nice house by the way."

"Thanks." They sat down at the kitchen table and Chris began eating.

"So whose eyes are brown?" He said after wolfing down a cookie.

"Huh?"

"Your mom's or dad's?"

"Oh, umm, my dad. Why?"

"No reason. They're just nice."

"Oh," Sean said, startled at the compliment. "Umm, thanks." Chris' face turned a little red, and for the next few moments he focused on the food in front of him.

"So, umm, do you work out at all?"

"No."

"How'd you get such a good punch then?"

"Don't know."

"I was really impressed."

"Chris you can stop pretending you like me. We're even now okay? So let's just leave each other alone." He looked up at Sean, considering the offer.

"Yeah," he said softly. "If that's what you want..."

"So if you're done I'll take you back to your car." Chris nodded.

"Thanks." They drove in silence. Chris thanked Sean, sincerely, and got out of the car. As soon as Chris shut the door, Sean drove quickly away.

When Sean arrived back home, before starting his homework, he looked into a mirror. His own eyes were a light brown, and nicely shaped. He began staring at them, focusing on nothing else except for the brown in his eyes, trying to figure out what exactly it was that Chris liked about them.

"Hey! Sean!" He began to turn his head to the voice, but he realized that Sean was a pretty common name. "Sean!" He heard again. He turned around in the noisy, crowded and messy school cafeteria he was standing in. It would not have been such a bad place if everybody used the garbage cans and normal speaking voices, but this was not the case. He saw Chris sitting at a table, smiling at him.

"Hi," Sean said, trying to sound less annoyed than he actually was. He then ignored Chris and continued searching for an isolated area where he could eat.

"There's room here," Chris said. The one time he ate in the cafeteria he was subjected to having to sit with the person he disliked the most. The library - Sean's sanctuary at school - was closed that day. Chris looked like he genuinely wanted Sean to sit with him, so Sean could not refuse. He sat down, scanning the faces of Chris' friends. Sean was expecting condescending and mocking looks, but he received the opposite. They actually looked pleased to have him sitting there. It must be a trick, he thought. But if he left and was mistaken he would be even more embarrassed, so he decided to stay and keep alert. He looked around the room, wondering who else was looking at him. He did not want anybody to see who he was sitting with - almost everybody knew about Sean being Chris' favourite target, so seeing them sit together would not be an easy meal for anybody to digest, least of all Beth, Sean thought, when he saw her enter the cafeteria.

He slunk lower in his chair, dreading the moment that she would see him sitting right next to the very person who had physically assaulted them both the previous day. If she saw him, she would probably think him and Chris had planned the joke together. It would certainly explain the strange apology. Sean knew that if she saw him, she would never speak to him, or look at him again. And then the moment came. Like an owl sitting on a tree, she turned her head and spotted him. He watched her face and her eyes for even the slightest clue about what she was feeling. He saw a quick blink and then a puzzled look. Then she turned her head again and walked on. Sean was devastated - he knew what she was thinking, and he also knew that he would not get a chance to explain to her why he was there.

"So what's your name dickface?" One of Chris' friends asked. Sean asked himself again why he was sitting at that table. They did not know his name, though he knew all of theirs. They had been in high school together for three years, and they did not even know his name. Worse than that, they did not even ask him in a polite manner. Trying to maintain as much dignity as possible, he stood up arrogantly and walked away. But he walked away slowly, to give Chris a chance to say something to his friend. He did not hear Chris' voice, so he headed straight for the large cafeteria doors, pushed hard on one of them and exited. He randomly picked a direction and began walking. The hallways, like the cafeteria, were crowded. As he walked through them he got strange looks from some people, and completely ignored by others, which was almost worse, since they too were people he had known for years. He looked at his watch - he would not be able to endure the remainder of lunch. Everything in the school reminded him of either Beth or Chris. Every time he saw someone with blonde hair he thought of one of them. He continued walking down the hall, towards the exit and then towards his car. He drove home, climbed into bed and slept for the rest of the afternoon.

He heard knocking; then he heard his older brother, Richard calling his name. Richard was two years older, and in university. Sean had been sleeping lightly, so he answered immediately.

"Yeah?" He said, tired.

"Sorry to wake you," Richard said, walking into Sean's room. "But there's someone here to see you."

"What?" Sean could not remember the last time he had a visitor. "Who is it?"

"Umm, I think he said his name is Chris."

"Chris?" Sean began to stretch, and rubbed his eyes. "What the hell is he doing here?" Sean did not want to see anybody. What he wanted was to re-bury his head into the soft pillow, and fall back into his dreams.

"I don't know! Do you want him to come up?"

"Yeah I guess," Sean said. Then added "thanks." Richard left, and a few moments later Chris walked in, sheepishly, and found Sean sitting up in bed. Sean said nothing. He just stared at Chris and waited for him to explain why he was there.

"Hi," Chris said tentatively. Sean continued staring. "Umm, I just wanted to say sorry for Leigh, he didn't mean..."

"Leigh?"

"The guy who called you di..."

"Yes, I remember what he called me." The memory of the afternoon shot back into Sean's mind, but he began wanting Chris to stay. It was the first time anybody had gone through so much trouble to apologize for insulting him. It was in fact the first time anybody had apologized for doing something to him. Suddenly, in his mind, Chris became a friend who had come over to spend time with him, and not his brother, who was usually the one to have friends over.

"Oh, well, I'm sorry."

"Why did you ask me to sit with you if they don't like me?"

"I figured that if the guys met you, they'd start liking you. Like I did, and then, we could all become friends. I mean, I know you don't have any, so..." Sean would have been appeased had Chris left that last part out of the conversation.

"What makes you think I don't have any friends?"

"I don't know. I just assumed..."

"Next time you or your friends do something to me, and you want to apologize, you can call okay?" Sean said sarcastically.

"I don't have your number." Sean got out of bed, found a piece of paper and scribbled it down.

"There, now you do!" Sean said with a raised voice. He tossed the paper towards Chris. Chris followed the paper with his eyes as it fluttered to the floor.

"Listen, after you left, I told them that you were a nice guy, and that they should lay off."

"From what I remember you're the one who needed to lay off."

"Yeah but I already have. From yesterday at least. They haven't I guess, but they're going to leave you alone from..."

"Great, thanks for stopping by!" Sean said with false cheer. Chris ignored him and made no move to leave.

"You have a nice room," he said. "Hey," he said, going over to the tank. "I have fish too. Some of the same ones."

"That's nice." Chris began looking into the tank and watching the fish the same way Sean sometimes did. Sean climbed back into bed, defeated. He knew that Chris was not planning to take his leave.

"So this is where you do your homework?" He asked, walking over to the desk. "And I wonder what you do here?" He said sarcastically, walking over to the bed. "Not much judging from the fact that you don't have a girlfriend." He laughed. Sean did not find it amusing, but thought it best to keep his opinion to himself. Talking to Chris might have encouraged him to stay. Sean glared at him and the smile disappeared from Chris' face. "Relax, I'm just kidding." Sean continued to say nothing. Chris was sitting at the desk, looking out the window into the backyard. "Nice view," Chris said. Chris then stood up and sat on the edge of the bed, facing Sean. Sean watched him closely, wondering what Chris was planning to do next. But strangely, he found himself concentrating less on Chris' actions and more on his short blonde hair, and smooth face that made him look two years younger than he was. Chris was watching Sean, wondering what he could do next. He stared at Sean's lips because he wanted to tell Sean how much me wanted to kiss them. Instead, what came out of his mouth was,

"Sean how come you're not saying anything?"

"Chris don't you have a girlfriend? Shouldn't you be spending time with her?"

"I don't actually. We, umm, broke up last week."

"I wonder why," Sean said sarcastically. Either Chris did not detect the sarcasm, or he ignored it.

"I do too. She just said that it probably wouldn't work out..." Sean detected a hint of sadness in Chris' voice, and began to pay more attention. "We've been together, let's see, for about eight months. It didn't seem that long while we were going out, we had a lot of fun, you know? It seems even shorter now that we've broken it off. But I still don't think of it as a waste of time. I liked her a lot, I guess she just didn't feel the same way." Chris' eyes began moistening as he spoke. Chris wiped them quickly, not wanting to cry in front of another man. He always believed that crying was for girls, and so he never did it himself unless he was alone.

"Does she go to our school?"

"Yeah, but I don't think you'd know her. She's really pretty though. I'll bet she's already got someone else." Chris was facing the floor.

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be. I'm better off without her. I mean, if she doesn't want to be with me, what's the point? I just don't think I'll ever meet anyone like her. She's completely perfect. It was our eight-month anniversary you know? She didn't even remember! I had taken her out to dinner, and she broke up with me right before dessert. And then of course I had to drive her home, which was uncomfortable because neither of us knew what to say to each other." His tears began flowing more freely as his mind concentrated more on his ex-girlfriend and less on his present surroundings. "So we were just sitting in the car, quiet. And then we got to her house, and she said thanks, you know for the ride, or maybe for the relationship, I don't really know. Then just bye, and she was gone." Sean leaned over, took a tissue out of the box on the nightstand, and handed it to Chris. Chris wiped his face and looked desperately at Sean, needing him to do something to fill the emptiness he was feeling.

Sean edged closer to him and tentatively put his arm on Chris' shoulder. Chris did not move away at the touch. Instead he moved closer, until there was almost no space between the two boys on the bed.

"Don't worry," Sean said. "It'll all work out." Sean held him a bit more firmly, and Chris leaned forward, and resting his head on Sean's shoulder, cried some more. When he finished he wiped his face again and then smiled at Sean. Sean smiled back and withdrew his arm. Then without warning Sean felt something on his closed lips - something wet, something...then he realized it was Chris' tongue, licking the crack between his lips, trying to get into his mouth. Sean's first reaction was to push him away, but he did not because he found himself enjoying it. He opened his mouth slightly, allowing Chris' tongue to enter. He gave into the feeling of Chris' mouth on his, and then he gave into the sensations of Chris touching him - his chest, his legs, and then his penis. And then it stopped as suddenly as it started. Chris pulled his tongue out of Sean's mouth, then stood up and quickly left the room. Sean licked his lips slowly, trying to taste Chris again. The taste of Chris' lips and tongue had excited him, and he closed his door and stripped. He lay on his bed and began stroking his penis while remembering the warmth of Chris' mouth. But as he began rubbing harder and faster, Chris left his mind and Beth entered, naked, her slim, tight body calling him to taste her. But suddenly Beth was gone once again, and Chris was back, and in his confusion Sean stopped masturbating. He opened his eyes and stared at the ceiling, thinking, which one do I want? He looked at his penis, sticking straight up in the air and quivering slightly because it wanted to be pleasured. He ignored it and began working on the homework he had gotten from his morning classes.

That evening when he sat down to write, he decided that he wanted to do something different. There were too many complications for him to write about his day, and he had become tired of writing stories and poems. He stared out the window like he always did when he was deep in thought, and in his mind developed a rough outline for a novel.

After getting dressed the following morning, Sean looked at himself in the mirror. He checked to make sure his dark brown hair had been properly styled - pushed forwards with his fingers and sticking straight up in the air in the front. He then wiped a tiny bit of moisture from his forehead, then noticed his lips. They were somewhat thin and coloured a reddish pink. Looking at them made him think of Chris', which were only slightly thicker but with similar colouration. His tongue quickly caressed his own lips, leaving them moist. And then, with his finger, he touched them, trying to remember what Chris' lips felt like. They must have been similar, he thought, but surely they were juicier.

There was limited space, but not a lot of people. He was sitting at the side of the school's swimming pool, watching the team practice. He did not care if people saw him, even though some of them gave him strange looks. As soon as he sat down, he got on with what he had gone there for. He watched the swimmers one by one - some of them muscular and others skinny; some hairy and others smooth; some short and some tall. He looked closely at each one when they were dry before they entering the pool; then he watched them when they were wet as they exited and their trunks were holding their legs tightly. Despite this he felt nothing. His penis remained soft. So I'm not gay, he thought, right before Chris climbed onto the diving board. He was wearing short blue checkerboard trunks, which allowed most of his legs to be exposed. Chris' skinny, curvy body; his round, pink nipples, flat stomach and smooth legs excited Sean. Arms first, Chris' body flew down into the water and then he swam furiously to the other end. Sean became even more excited as he watched drops of water dripping down Chris' face and Chest when Chris pushed himself out of the water. "Shit," Sean whispered. He had not meant to say it out loud. He was embarrassed enough by the way he was thinking about Chris. He stood up and walked quickly away from the pool, and away from the school, feeling like a fool for what he had just done. What was he thinking trying to figure out if he was gay? Of course he wasn't. He couldn't be, what about Beth? But then why did Chris excite him? He left even more confused than when he went in.

Similarly to the ninth grade, Beth and Sean had English together that year. Unlike the ninth grade, they did not sit beside each other. At the beginning of the year Beth had managed to get one of the coveted back row seats, while Sean continued to sit at the front of the room.

"Good morning," said Mrs. Higgins, the teacher. She was in a cheerful mood, so there was the promise of a fun class. And it was, except for the announcement that followed the greeting. "Now that we've finished reading Romeo and Juliet, I'm going to have you all partner up and do presentations on it." Sean did not enjoy presentations, but what was worse was that he would have to work with somebody. There was nobody in the class who he thought had even taken a slight liking to him. "Now let's see. Nora and Mary, Jaclyn and Bob, Beth and Sean..." Then suddenly all of his worries about the presentation disappeared and he felt a chill in his spine when he heard their names said together. He was excited for the unavoidable opportunity to spend time with her, but he was worried about how she would react to it. The push, and seeing Sean eating with Chris would surely have contributed negatively to her opinion of him.

They were both nervous about the partnership. She did not want him to discover her secret and he did not want her to discover his. Keeping the same secret from each other would certainly make their meeting all the more interesting. But they were both glad for the opportunity to spend time with each other.

At least I'll finally get to know him better, and find out if the stories are true, Beth thought as she drove to his house. The stories she had heard were far-fetched, and probably not meant to be taken seriously, but as she drove closer and closer to his house, the prospect of him living in a (literal) hole in the ground and eating worms for lunch seemed more and more probable in the wake of her churning stomach. These were the types of stories told around school about Sean - the guy everybody thought was weird simply because he had no friends. She was slightly relieved when she pulled up to the large house, isolated by a fence, trees and shrubs. She walked up to the door, moved her hand towards the bell, but hesitated. She stood there, her finger touching the button, knowing that there was only a slight movement between her and Sean. Then she felt a breeze that caused her to bite the bullet and push. The sound of the bell made her stomach jump, and she quickly became impatient because she wanted to get the initial meeting, which would no doubt be awkward, over with. Then she heard the knob turning, and she waited in anticipation to see Sean's face. But she was disappointed when his brother opened it instead.

"Hi," he said.

"Hello," she said, trying to sound as friendly as possible. "I'm, umm, here to see Sean." Richard smiled, as if amused by something. Then he told her where Sean's room was and that she could go upstairs.

Sean was still in bed when she knocked on his door. "Come in," he said, thinking it was his brother. His eyes did not open when she gracefully walked in, or when she stood over him, watching his face that looked even more innocent and calm because he was asleep. The bed had pillars on the four corners, and she leaned against one of them as she stared at him, a smile forming on her face. Deciding to give him a minute or two more to sleep, she began looking around. The room captivated her. The dark wood of the furniture, the antique decorations, and the underwater treasures in the aquarium that made it look like a real ocean - she realized that all the rumours about him were false. "What is it?" He asked, waking up again due to the noise she was making. He sounded annoyed, and he was, at his brother for bothering him so early in the morning.

"Oh, I, umm, came to work on the presentation." The soft, clear voice made him jump. He suddenly found himself sitting up in bed, naked. He saw her and then quickly looked down. Luckily the covers went up to his waist, so she could only see him from the stomach up.

"Beth?"

"Sean I'm so sorry!" She exclaimed, turning around. "I thought we were meeting later!"

"I know, I'm sorry! I just thought we could get an early start. I, I'm sorry." She began walking away. "I can go, I'll come back later..."

"Wait!" Sean said. She turned around. "Don't go, we can work now, it's fine. Just give me a few minutes..."

"Oh, of course," she said, suddenly noticing how close to the bed she was standing. She knew she would have to leave while he got dressed, but she did not want to. She wanted to watch him climb out of bed naked, or half-naked, she did not know which he was. But she wanted to find out what he was wearing, and what his legs looked like, and...but she could not stay, so she turned around again and left the room.

"Umm, help yourself to something in the kitchen!" He called after her. He got out of bed, naked. He brushed his teeth, washed his face, and then stood in his closet, trying to decide what to wear. He wanted to look casual, but nice at the same time. He sprayed some cologne, so little that it would be untraceable unless she got really close to him. He selected a pair of khaki pants and a white t-shirt. After looking at himself in the mirror, he went downstairs with bare feet and a red face. She was sitting at the kitchen table across from Richard, drinking a glass of water.

"Sorry," Sean said as he walked in.

"No, I'm sorry." she said.

"Hi Richard," Said Sean.

"Hi," Richard said. "There's some coffee in the pot."

"Thanks." Sean sat down next to Richard with a mug, and as soon as he had done so Richard excused himself. He got up and walked out of the kitchen, but just before he left he turned around, smiled, and winked at Sean. Sean ignored it, and turned to Beth.

"Your brother's really nice," said Beth as soon as he was out of earshot. "Runs in the family I guess." She smiled, hoping he would understand what she was really trying to say.

"Thank-you," Sean said. Her comment made the nervousness he had been feeling since the previous night begin to wither away.

"Listen, umm..."

"Yeah?" She looked at him with her blue eyes, and became somewhat anxious when she saw his brown ones staring back at her. She opened her mouth, but she could not bring herself to say what she had planned.

"Oh, I was, uh, just wondering how long you can work for today," she said instead.

"I don't have any plans, how about you?"

"No, I don't either. Not even this evening. Umm, we may be able to get the whole thing done today." She was tentative about that, because she did not know whether or not she wanted to get the whole thing done that day. If they did, she would not have an excuse to return to see him.

"Yeah, maybe. Of course we can break for lunch or something, you know, if we get hungry."

"Let's take a break right now," she said quickly. Sean was a bit surprised that she said it, though he was thinking the same thing. "I want to see your backyard."

"My what?"

"I've been watching it this whole time, and I really want to go and see it. It's such a nice day..."

"Oh," he said. "Umm, sure." They stood up and exited the house, directly into the back where they were greeted by chirping birds and a warm sun. They walked together, slowly in the fresh air, looking at the surrounding trees or the blooming flowers. The yard had been landscaped beautifully. They were headed for the pool that Sean had stared at so many times, thinking about how romantic it would be to have someone there with him for a late night swim. They were walking very close to each other. Even a slight movement would have caused them to touch - something neither of them would have minded.

"Let's stop for a bit," she said when they had reached a tree. The yard was surrounded by a small but thick wood. They had reached it, and they sat in the shade beside the nearest tree. Beth was facing the house and Sean was facing her. Not knowing what to say to each other, they took a long time to get comfortable. After a few awkward moments, Beth found herself moving forwards, towards his house and towards him, wanting desperately to kiss him. Like in Sean's dreams, her eyes closed and her face approached his. Her movement did not consciously register in his mind, but instinctively he knew what to do and he too began moving towards her. His eyes closed as well, but when they did he suddenly found himself looking at Chris. Chris was there, in his mind and on his bed, holding his legs and caressing his lips...then suddenly he wished it was Chris sitting across from him instead of her. Not realizing what he was doing Sean moved his face away from her, and the kiss missed. She looked embarrassed and sat quietly for a few moments. Sean too was quiet, not knowing what to say to her. He stared at the floor, and played with a little bit of dirt while waiting for her to speak.

Though she was disappointed, a part of her was pleased. She wanted to kiss him, but at the same time she wanted it to go beyond physical sensations. The kiss could not have done this because of the pressing question in her mind. "Umm Sean," she said, "there's something I want to ask you." She paused, and he looked at her, waiting for her to ask. "It's about, well, Chris." At the mention of his name, Sean's stomach jumped. She knew! He was sure of it but he tried not to let it show. Then he started wondering how she could have found out. And then it hit him - Chris. It was the only way. He must have told her, he must have told everyone. Sean's isolation at school had been bad enough, but this would surely make it worse. That's why Chris was being so nice to me, Sean thought - he wanted to get even for the punch, he was planning to make everyone think that I'm gay! He knew in his mind though, that he had not done anything. Chris had kissed him, had touched him, had excited him. He had enjoyed it but it was still Chris that had done everything.

Of course the story Chris would tell would have been different. He would have told everybody that after punching him, Sean dragged him to his house. Then when he regained his consciousness, he was laying naked and handcuffed on Sean's bed. He would tell everybody that Sean walked into the room, naked, erect; that Sean went up to the bed and touched him, everywhere. Touched his chest, his stomach, his legs, then finally his penis. He would tell everybody that he told Sean to stop, that he was not gay, but Sean slapped him and told him to be quiet. Then Sean, who had his eyes on Chris' lips the whole time kissed them, then stuffed his penis between them, right down to Chris' throat. Then Chris would tell everybody that Sean pumped hard, making Chris feel sick but making himself feel ecstasy, until finally he had an orgasm and dumped Chris back on the street, leaving him almost completely naked and alone, to find his way back to his car.

Even if Sean denied the story, nobody would believe him over Chris.

"What about him?" Sean said. He was surprised that so many thoughts could have gone through his head so quickly. There was not even a pause before said the words to Beth. Beth had expected him to become defensive when she had brought Chris up as a subject, but she proceeded more confidently when he did not. "Well, remember the day after he had pushed you, umm, into me?" She smiled quickly and mischievously when she said that, but then her expression became serious once again. "I saw you having lunch with him." Sean was about to speak, but she continued. "Then later, I saw you watching him at his swim practice." She had been there too after school that day, but he had not seen her. He tried thinking back and remembering if she was there, but he could not place her face in amongst the people there. He had been too busy concentrating on Chris. "Sean, don't get me wrong, it's fine if you're friends with him and all, but I was just wondering what the deal was with you two?" "Well, we're not actually..." "'Cause I've seen the way he treats you, so it would seem to me that he wouldn't be your first choice as a friend..."

"Beth, we aren't friends. Well not exactly. I don't really know what's going on with him." He looked at her to see her reaction to what he had said. He wanted to be honest with her and tell her the whole story. But he decided on half of it. "That day he had pushed me into you, I was driving behind him on the way home. He saw me, so he started braking, then speeding up and braking again, just to bug me. I got really mad so I cut him off, stopped completely and got out of the car. He got out of his, and I walked up to him and punched him really hard." Sean began looking at the ground, ashamed at what he had done. He began feeling even worse when he realized that Beth now knew what he had done. "Anyway, he was bleeding a lot so I took him back to my house to help him clean up." Sean looked up at her. He hardly believed that his speech was true, and doubted that she trusted a single word of it. "When we got to my house, he was hungry, and while he was eating we got to talking. We ended up apologizing to each other, and I told him that from now on we should just stay out of each other's way. Then at lunch the next day he saw me in the cafeteria and called me to sit with him. I didn't want to of course but he kept calling me so I couldn't say no. And besides there wasn't anywhere else to sit. Then when you saw me at the pool, it's just 'cause I didn't feel like going home right away and I had nowhere else to go. That was the only thing happening around school that day, so I went...it had nothing to do with him."

"Oh," she said. She looked downwards, embarrassed. It had not been her business. "Sean I didn't mean to..."

"No, it's fine. I understand. I mean I was surprised to find myself sitting next to him too." They smiled at each other. "So I take it you and Chris aren't the best of friends either." Telling her about what had happened with him made him feel like he had an ally against Chris, though it was a strange feeling because he did not know whether or not he was against Chris. Her discomfort remained as she answered his question. "No, umm, we're not. As it turns out we don't get along too well either." Sean was somewhat uncomfortable talking to Beth about Chris. Under normal circumstances he would not have been, but because of the feelings he had for both of them he saw it as some sort of betrayal - though to which one he was unsure. "Can I ask you something else Sean? What's your dream date?" She leaned slightly closer to him while asking the question. The question was out of the blue but was not something that was far from Sean's mind. Then suddenly he thought that she might be making fun of him, but the question sounded sincere.

"Dream date? Well, umm, are you asking who it would be or what I would do?"

"Both," she said quickly, seizing the opportunity to get both answers. She was leaning more along the lines of who, hoping to find out whether or not he had feelings for her. She realized there was only a small chance that if he did have her in his mind, or better yet in his heart, he would tell her - but it was a chance that she saw was worth taking.

Sean's dream date was Beth. It did not matter what they were doing, but the fact that they were with each other and aware of each other's feelings was good enough. She had actually asked the question - he would never have a better time to tell her.

"Umm, dinner and a movie I guess," he said.

"That's it?" Beth said jokingly, trying to conceal her disappointment. "No passionate kiss?" The last word of the question sent Sean's head spinning. Thinking about a kiss was too much for him because he realized it was more than he could ever hope for from her.

"I don't know," Sean said. "Well what's yours then?"

"Someplace romantic I guess, like a park. We would have dinner, a nice chat, and a nice kiss." At the word "kiss" her voice lifted slightly and her eyes jumped. The second time it was mentioned Sean did not have a negative reaction. His tongue shot out and licked his lips, ensuring their moistness and readying them for use.

"That sounds nice."

"Tell me one more thing. I want to hear about your first kiss." There it was again, the word kiss. But this time there was no response from Sean. It was not something he could discuss with anybody.

"My first what?" He swallowed nervously and began thinking of something to tell her. He knew that what the question would not buy much time.

"Your first kiss. Well start by telling me who it was?"

"Who it was? Oh, well, umm, I don't think you know her." Sean realized that he had to change the subject, but his mind went blank when Chris re-entered his mind.

"Never mind then, just tell me about it."

"Umm, okay." He had left out parts of his earlier story so he decided to do the same with this one. "Well, you see, she was crying over something, and I was holding her trying to comfort her. Then, when she stopped crying, she looked up, smiled at me, and brought her lips forwards...and I guess you know the rest."

"That sounds nice. So what happened to her?"

"I'm not really sure."

"Not really sure? So you two had a fight before you broke up?"

"Not exactly. Anyway, what about yours?"

"Oh, I'm sure you don't want to hear about it."

"No, no, I do. Who was it?"

"You didn't tell me who yours was so I'm not going to tell you mine."

"Fine just tell me about it."

"Okay. Well we were watching a movie, and you know how on TV some guy stretches and puts his arm around his date's shoulder? Well he stretched, but his arm ended up on my leg instead." She paused, and with her index finger gently caressed her knee, and then she continued. "I was paying attention to the movie so I got kind of surprised and turned around quickly. When I did he pulled my face towards him and kissed me. Because it was unexpected it wasn't all that great. It just happened so quickly so I didn't really know what was going on."

"Oh. So are you still going out with..."

"No! We broke up."

"Oh, sorry."

"Thanks, but I think I'm better off without him. So where did you meet her?"

"I can't remember. Why are we talking about me again?"

"Because I'm curious, I want to know about her. How long ago did you break up?"

"Long enough."

"Okay but at least tell me her name."

"I told you already, you don't know her."

"How do you know? I know a lot of people. Okay tell me what she looks like then."

"I don't remember."

"How can you not remember? You remembered the kiss well enough. And you said you looked right into her face!"

"Okay already! There was no girl!"

"Huh?"

"There wasn't a girl. I made the whole thing up!" Sean looked away, ashamed that he had lied to her. Then after a slight pause he continued. "Look we've got lots of work to do." She did not want to work; she wanted to stay outside in the sun and talk with Sean...more than that she wanted to kiss him. She did not care that he had lied to her, although she would have liked to know why. But she said nothing and followed him up to his room. Seeing the desk made her think of work, work that she did not want to do. Maybe if I apologize...she thought. But she did not know what to apologize for - she had not done anything to him.

Sean too was sorry, but if he had not snapped at her he would have snapped himself. He had no friends, no lovers, no companionship at all. So he lived on a very thin rope made up of good marks in school, his writing, and his fish (something he could care for). But every time somebody challenged his set-up, he felt like he would fall off. She was trying to climb onto the rope, but it could not support two people so at that moment he had to isolate her to be able to stay on. The worst part was that he could not explain it to her - she could never understand what it was like to be that fragile. She had friends she could go to if she was going through something; she had men who wanted to date her.

They worked for a few hours, never extending their conversation past what was necessary to prepare the presentation. But the tension in the air never dissipated and finally Beth could endure it no longer. She said she had to leave and they agreed on another time to meet and finish preparing.

Richard and Sean always got along, but only up to a point. They were complete opposites, and while this did not cause many fights, it created completely different lives for each of them. Richard spent a lot of his time out with his friends, or on the phone with them. He was good about his schoolwork, but not about his familial relationships. He had gotten that from their parents. Their parents had raised them well, but still they were both consumed with their work - giving them little time to spend with their sons. So between his brother and his parents, Sean spent most of his time alone. Richard had always felt sorry for his younger brother, but there was little he could do. Once in a while he managed to convince Sean to go out with him, and they would watch a movie or dine at a fine restaurant, but since they had nothing in common the conversation was always awkward. Richard wanted to help his brother, and he saw his chance with Beth. When he had spoken with Beth, she had told him that she was there to work on a project with Sean. He did not believe a word of it. But just to be sure, he wanted to discuss her with Sean to see where that relationship was going.

"Hey Sean, do you have plans tonight?" Richard asked, walking into Sean's room as soon as the front door had closed behind Beth.

"No." Sean was sitting on his bed, gathering the papers they had been working with.

"Great. Want to go out? There's this sports bar I've been wanting to try..."

"No not really. Some other time okay?"

"You busy?"

"No but..."

"Then stop being such a loser! Just come!" Richard was accustomed to being rejected when he came up with the offer of an outing, and he had figured out that the way to get Sean to go with him was to insult him - though he never knew why that was. After all that had happened to him, Sean did not have the strength to argue with his brother. He sniffed, holding captive the tear that began to flow at the word "loser," and said okay. "But you're driving," he added. Richard conceded to the fact that Sean would be the one drinking, and they drove to the bar - listening to the radio instead of each other. This was because neither of them had anything to say. Richard, of course, had wanted to discuss Beth, but he thought the subject would be better left for the bar.

Richard looked embarrassed when Sean tried to order wine at the sports bar. A quick look at the atmosphere told Sean, as soon as he walked in, that they would not have anything even close to wine, and the look on Richard's face was Sean's purpose in ordering it. He was laughed at by the barkeep so he ordered tequila. Unfortunately he wanted something that would take longer to drink, something that would last during the inevitable gaps in the conversation.

"Richard why did you bring me to this shithole?"

"Because I've seen what you call a bar."

"Yeah, places that serve real drinks."

"What, tequila's not good enough?"

"No, it's disgusting."

"Then why don't you order something else?"

"They don't seem to have anything else," Sean said, squinting at the dusty bottles behind the bar. "And anyways, this is strong."

"Come on it's a cool bar, and the game's on."

"I hate baseball."

"You hate everything. So anyway, who's Beth?" So that's why he wanted to take me out, Sean thought.

"What do you mean?"

"Like where'd you meet her?"

"She's in my English class, we've got this presentation to do."

"It didn't look like you were doing much work out in the backyard."

"We weren't." The barkeep returned with the drinks, and Sean immediately ordered a second. The alcohol made him feel better, and more relaxed. Right before the barkeep was able to walk away, Sean added, "and a pack of cigarettes." "Sean you're only seventeen! And when did you start smoking anyway?" Sean looked at him as if he was stupid, which he was for telling his age out loud. Luckily, the barkeep (who was probably the owner as well) pretended not to hear and handed Sean the red package, which Sean quickly opened and began consuming. "They're disgusting," Richard said. Sean did not smoke very often, but he enjoyed an occasional cigarette. He preferred cigars, but knew that asking for one would be futile - the consequences of allowing Richard to pick the place. Drinking was also not one of Sean's regular pastimes. It was reserved for social occasions, which did not occur too often. Sean could never understand why Richard would want to go to such seedy places when they could afford to go to much nicer bars. "Anyway, what were you and Beth talking about?"

"Not much. Why do you care anyway?" Sean said, hitting his cigarette against the ashtray. The end of the cigarette picked up more ashes than it had deposited. "Can I get a clean ashtray?" Sean said loudly, putting the cigarette out and lighting another.

"Because you're my brother."

"But you'll let me smoke and drink?"

"Sean..."

"Can we just talk about something else?"

While Richard and Sean were at the bar, their doorbell rang, and their mother answered the door.

"May I help you?" She asked.

"Yes," Beth said. "Sean and I were working on a project earlier, and I left my purse in his room, could I go..."

"Oh yes, of course. Come in. I guess you know where his room is then, so go ahead. You'll have to excuse me, I was just about to go to bed, you don't mind letting yourself out do you?"

"Of course not. Umm, is Sean here?"

"No, he's gone out with his brother."

"Oh, okay. Thanks, good night." Sean's mother thought the same thing as Richard had when he saw Beth. She was quite pleased that such a pretty and polite girl was there to see her son. It also gave her less to worry about - she was never sure whether or not Sean had friends, since Sean never seemed unhappy.

Beth entered Sean's room, flicked on the light and shut the door. She was not sure why she closed it, she just needed to grab her purse and leave. She began looking around - not moving, simply turning her head - until she saw it, sitting on his bed. But it was not alone, beside it was a copy of Wuthering Heights. How boring, she thought. She was not surprised, however, that it was something he would be reading. But seeing the book led her to realize that his room could probably tell her a lot about him. She opened the door of his closet. Everything's so perfect, she thought to herself. All of his shirts, pants, belts and shoes were lined up perfectly. She could probably measure the spaces between the hangers and come out with the same measurement each time. She shut the door and went over to his desk. There was some paper on top of it - the work they had been doing earlier. Other than that, and a small desk lamp, it was empty. She had seen his room earlier, but had not seen all the details, such as the position of the desk lamp. It was situated in the corner of the desk, the round base not protruding from it but still taking as little space as possible. She looked around again, quickly. They won't be home for a while, she thought to herself - though she told herself this only to give herself more time, she had no idea where they were or when they would be back. She stayed at his desk and began opening drawers. The fountain pen caught her eye. She examined it. It was pure silver. She removed the cap, again, nothing but silver, except for the gold nib. It was so smooth, and round...but there was something else about it, something that bothered her but she could not put her finger on...it was feminine. She was able to run her fingers right from the top to the bottom, without stopping, without hitting even the smallest flaw. She could get it engraved, with his initials. It was a good idea for a present, she thought. She saw his backpack, but that would just be schoolwork. She continued looking, and then spotted the aquarium - something else she had seen, but not taken a proper look at. She pressed the button on top, and watched the light turn it into an ocean. The mix of the fish and the decorations showed that he had put a lot of money and effort into it.

Then she saw the design of the wood underneath. It was hand-carved, it was curvy and detailed, it was familiar. She stared at it for a few moments, and then remembered. Her father had the same shelf in his study at home. She traced one of the designs with her finger and found the keyhole - but she did not have the key. It was not, however, a difficult lock. Her father had told her that such shelves were used to hide personal items, which is why they did not look like shelves, and also why the keyhole was so hard to find. Her purse contained a hairpin. She had done the same to her father's, curious as to what he had been hiding inside. It turned out to be nothing - he simply liked the shelf. Her heart began beating harder and faster as she picked the lock, and opened the doors. She did not know what she was expecting to find, but was disappointed that it was just a stack of paper. Nevertheless she had gone through so much trouble, so she lifted the piece on the top. It looked like a continuation of something. She looked at the ones underneath it, until she got to the first page of the novel he had started. This is a story of how I fell in love. At first she thought it was a journal entry, until it went on to say, I was only fifteen when I met her. She thought of Sean, of course she did, it was him who had written it. But she did not think of herself. His first kiss, she thought. She knew that the kiss he had spoken about was real - at least it seemed real when he told her about it. She looked through more and more of the stack, reading poems and short stories, but concentrating more on the journal entries. I have never met anyone like Beth. Many of them were about her, about how he felt when he first saw her, about how he grew to like her more and more throughout the time they had been in school together. She said hi to me today in the hallway. Nobody ever does that. Even she doesn't too it very often, but she did today. She continued reading. I think I love her. That one was more recent. She replaced the stack of paper and switched off the bedroom light, but did not leave the room.

Richard and Sean climbed the stairs, said good night, and then went off in separate directions. Sean opened his door, and was surprised to see a blue glow embracing his room. He did not remember turning on the light. Maybe his parents had wanted to look at his fish. If it had been either of them, it would have been his mother - she liked animals more. It was extremely unlikely, his parents never went into his room for anything, but it was the only explanation he could think of. He decided to feed them. Without turning on the main light, he sat in front of the tank and dropped some food inside. He enjoyed watching the fish swim up and grab bits of food. When they had eaten, Sean stood up, turned around, and almost screamed. He saw a figure, partly blocked by the pillars, laying perfectly still on his bed. He walked slowly closer, came around the side of the bed and saw Beth lying on her side, naked and asleep. He did not know how to wake her up. He did not even know if he should. But what was she doing there? And what had happened to her clothes? He leaned in slightly closer, staring at her eyes, making sure she was actually asleep. She was, but the motion awakened her. He saw her eyes open, and the ends of her lips turn up into a smile.

"Hi Sean." Her soft, seductive voice immediately brought him to fully realize that Beth was in his room, on his bed, and naked.

"What are you doing here Beth?"

"Waiting for you." Sean stayed where he was, not knowing what he should do. He liked the girl, a lot. He thought he was in love with her, but did not want to lose his virginity to her, at least not yet. He was not completely sure about how he felt about her.

Beth, having found out that Sean loved her, thought that it would have been exactly what he wanted. When she read the words, it became what she wanted. "Come here," she said. He climbed into the bed and sat beside her, refusing to look at her. He felt her hand caressing his thigh, and then, once again he heard her voice. "Sean?"

"Yeah?"

"Why are you still dressed?" He could not resist her. He got off the bed and went into his closet. He removed most of his clothes, and returned to bed in only his boxers. He leaned over her, heading for her lips, but he found himself unable to do so and instead went for her neck. He kissed it, and then licked it.

Her lips had been anticipating pleasure, but they felt nothing. She brought her legs closer together, and turned over. He lay down beside her, and faced her. She stared into his eyes and he stared back at hers. She closed them for a moment, then brought her face forwards, forcefully, and placed her lips on top of his. He could not move away, but when he felt her tongue he did not want to. They kissed as she reached forwards and ran her finger in between his chest, then down the middle of his stomach and stopping above his shorts. "Take them off," she whispered in his ear. He did it immediately, telling himself that he was under the covers and she could not see him. He wanted to touch her too, and he reached forward and placed his hand on her stomach, moving it upwards until he reached her breasts.

They were laying facing each other once again. He was hard and she was wet, but neither of them could continue without hearing the words. Sean remained silent, waiting for her to say it first. But she was also too shy, so she decided to approach it by saying, "Sean you're an incredible writer."

"What makes you say that?"

"I read some of the stuff in your cupboard." His eyes opened wide, and suddenly her face repulsed him. He put his hand on her neck and began pushing her head into the pillow.

"You did what?"

"Sean, Sean, you're hurting me!" He did not let go. He did not realize he was hurting her, and at that moment he was unable to hear anything except the answer to his question.

"How much did you read?"

"Sean! Please!" She sounded like she was about to cry, and he realized what he was doing and released her.

"Shit!" He said, and got off the bed. He ran into his closet, pulled on his clothes and returned. She was lying in his bed, holding her neck, sobbing. He went up to her. "Get out!" He said.

That night, Sean could not write. He could not look at the cupboard or even open the drawer containing paper. He lay in bed, clothed and crying. It was not the writing that had kept him going for three years, it was the privacy. It was the fact that his intimate thoughts were shared only with himself that kept him living. His writing was his release from the cruel world and it had been penetrated, it had been fucked, over and over, harder and harder, just like she had wanted him to do to her. He imagined his cupboard full of her cum, dripping off each sheet, distorting the writing.

In the morning, his pillow was hard. He touched it. The texture had been caused by his tears that had probably stopped flowing after he had fallen asleep.

His only way into the cupboard would have been through the piece of paper at the bottom. The writing on it was between four and five years old, he was not exactly sure. It had been written when Sean was twelve years old.

He had just emerged from the shower. He went over to the full-length mirror and looked at himself. I look like a girl, he thought to himself. Hair was just beginning to peek from under his arms and above his penis. He touched it; it felt prickly on his hands. He wondered how long it would take for more to come out. Maybe everyone thinks I'm a girl and that's why nobody likes me. It was not that people did not like him. He was just quiet, but too quiet, so it was easier for people to ignore him than to make an effort and talk to him. He left the hair alone and touched the inside of his thigh - it too was smooth. Then he felt his stomach, and rubbed one of his nipples. He enjoyed feeling the smoothness of his skin, but he was afraid nobody else could like his body. He watched as his penis hardened. He lay down on his bed and stared at it sticking up in the air. He closed his eyes and thought of Lindsay George, a girl in his class. He imagined that she was there in his bed, just as exposed as he was. He imagined her leaning over, saying, "I love you Sean," and kissing him. He was pumping harder and harder as the kiss became more intense, and he had an orgasm and Lindsay disappeared into a world of pleasure. But after the last drop of semen had been squeezed out, he felt like crying because he knew she would never kiss him. Instead of crying he went over to his desk, found a pen and took out some paper.

I promise to kiss the girl of my dreams by the time I'm eighteen years old. The girl of my dreams is beautiful, smart, and will fall in love with me, no matter how lonely or ugly I am. If this does not happen, I will have no reason to live past my eighteenth birthday.

Sean usually ate his lunch in class, before or after the lunch period, depending on when he got hungry. It was the only way he could avoid the cafeteria. On Monday the school library had been re-opened, so he had somewhere to go where he was sure he would not have an encounter with Beth. He sat down on one of the tables and took out his books.

"Hey! Sean! What's up?" Sean looked up, surprised.

"Studying."

"Oh, so am I," he said, sitting down beside Sean. "I'm glad I ran into you. There's this new movie out that I really want to see. Do you want to come?"

"I can't."

"I haven't even told you when!"

"When?"

"Tonight, after school."

"I can't."

"Why not?"

"I have to study."

"But we're studying right now!"

"No."

"Come on. It'll just be a couple of hours, then you can study after that."

"No." Chris gave up and left. Sean felt bad when he saw Chris walking away. Chris was the one being nice to him. But Sean did not have much time to think about this because he heard his name once again.

"Sean!" Beth had come in from the side.

"What do you want?"

"I have a physics test next period that I completely forgot about! I need your help!"

"Ask someone else."

"Oh come on, are you still mad at me about reading your stuff? How was I supposed to know it was so private?"

"The lock on the cupboard."

"Well it wasn't a real lock, I picked it pretty easily."

"Well for someone with experience I don't think it would be too hard."

"Fine, then go to hell. I can't believe you're obsessing about this little..."

"It isn't little," Sean said, trying not to raise his voice. "And I'm not obsessing about it. If you hadn't come and interrupted me, I wouldn't have even brought it up."

"Fine, I'll leave you alone then." She walked away angrily, and Sean re-focused his attention on his books.

After school the same day, Sean was walking to his car, and he spotted Chris getting into his. Chris saw him too, just before he sat down, and he climbed back out. Sean's earlier rejection had not soured his mood.

"Hey Sean! Feel like changing your mind?" Sean was not in the mood to go out, but he was also not in the mood to do anything else. Twenty minutes later they were sitting together in a dark, practically deserted movie theatre, eating popcorn. Neither of them liked popcorn, but as soon as they had gotten to the theatre they realized that sitting through a movie together would have been uncomfortable without something else to do. But Chris did not like popcorn, and with Sean sitting next to him he knew that he would be able to sit through an entire movie. Sean and Chris were sitting quite near the back. Chris looked around and saw that there were very few people in the theatre, none of which were looking at them. The movie had started off well, so everybody, including Sean was paying attention to it. Chris was paying attention to Sean's thigh as his hand began caressing it. Sean enjoyed the feeling, so he did not resist. As Chris' hand moved higher, he thought of the anger he felt towards Beth, and he put his hand on Chris' to stop it from going any further. But when there was no more touch, Sean felt alone once again.

"Not here," he said, "let's go back to my place." Chris smiled at him when he said it, and Sean became hard and drove home as quickly as he could. The two boys ran up to Sean's room and slammed the door behind them. As soon as they had privacy they were in each other's arms, passionately kissing each other. Sean was pinned against the door and Chris was rubbing his hard penis against Sean's.

Then Chris released him, Sean turned on the light of the aquarium and drew the curtains. The room filled with the blue light, and when Sean turned around Chris had already undressed. Sean quickly followed suit and took off his own clothes. Sean lay on the bed and closed his eyes. He did not know what he wanted, so he decided to let Chris take the lead. Chris was comfortable being in the lead and he lay on top of Sean and kissed his neck. Sean felt Chris' penis rubbing his slightly with the rhythm of the kiss.

"So all those times..." Chris said in between kisses. "That we called you gay, we were right?"

"No," Sean said, quickly losing his breath. "I'm not gay, but I want you." Chris was not sure exactly what Sean meant, but he was too horny to care. Chris ran his hand down Sean's body, erecting his nipples, tensing his stomach and spreading his thighs. Chris' touch made Sean want to cry. He had never before felt such passion, such love. When the word love entered his mind he wanted to know that Chris loved him before he was willing to continue.

Chris' kisses did not give Sean the chance to say anything. Sean kept his eyes open because every time he closed them he began thinking about Beth. Chris kissed the insides of his thighs, and then took Sean's penis into his mouth. Sean got butterflies in his stomach from the pleasure, and he succumbed to all the pleasure. Sean's penis quivered with the movements of Chris' tongue, and with that Chris knew exactly when to go faster, and when to squeeze harder. The movements and the taste of cum also told him when to stop. Sean watched as Chris closed his eyes and swallowed. He now had a part of Sean that could never be taken back.

Chris then lay on his back, waiting for Sean. Not wanting to jump straight into it, Sean touched his chest, touched his stomach and kissed his legs. But nothing excited him. So he tried taking Chris' penis into his mouth. He licked the head, and began sucking, but Chris was the only one being pleasured. Sean had never done it before, but he instinctively knew what he needed to do to make Chris feel the same pleasure that he had felt just a few moments before. And finally Chris' warm semen filled Sean's mouth, but Sean did not like the taste. He held it in his mouth, refusing to swallow it. He contemplated what to do, and then got up and ran to the bathroom. He spit it out in the sink, and then they got dressed. It was a quiet ride back to the movie theatres.

"Thanks," Chris said, getting out of Sean's car and back into his own.

English, with Beth. She sat on the same row as Sean, and only two seats away. Sean found himself glancing over quite often throughout the class. Her actions had not dimmed her beauty, and by the time class was over he was torn between seeing Beth as the girl he loved, or the girl that had violated his most precious thoughts and emotions.

"What do you want?" Beth said, stopping at Sean's desk on her way out of class.

"Nothing," he said. He wanted to get up and walk away, but he could not do so while she was standing there.

"Then why'd you keep staring at me in class?"

"I wasn't staring."

"Sean if there's something you want to tell me, go ahead." "I thought you might want to say something to me." Sean suddenly felt like a cigarette. If Beth did not apologize, he needed something else to comfort him. The smoke could fill him with warmth, something he no longer felt Beth could do.

"Yeah, but can we go somewhere private?"

"How about a restaurant? I'll buy you dinner tonight." It was the last thing Sean had expected himself to say, but his upcoming birthday had flooded his mind, and he was becoming desperate. His birthday was four days away, so he had more time if dinner that night did not work out.

"Umm, okay!" She said, surprised at his request. "Where did you have in mind?"

"How about, umm, do you like Italian? There's a great place over on Frost, it's called, umm..."

"The really formal one right? It's called Pasta Heaven. It's my favourite."

"Really? It isn't mine, but it's quite good. I'll meet you there at half past seven, that is if they give us a table. I'll call and let you know." They were suddenly acting amicable towards each other. It came from the restaurant, a commonality they both shared. They were two completely different people, so the one thing they had in common tied them together.

"I know the owner. Tell them you're bringing me, you'll get a table." She smiled. "So I guess I'll see you in a tux?"

"Yeah, I guess you will."

"Great. Can I have your cell number in case I get late?"

"I don't have a cell phone."

"What? With the house you live in and the car you drive you can't afford a cell phone?"

"It's not that I can't afford one. Just don't be late okay?" She shrugged and went to her next class.

Chris was standing by Sean's car after school with a rather sour expression on his face. Sean approached him without any idea about what to expect from him. "What were you talking to Beth about?" Chris said suddenly.

"What? When?"

"This morning, right before second period. I passed your classroom and saw you guys talking."

"Umm nothing, just the presentation we have to do for English." Sean detected the anger in Chris' voice, and so he immediately got defensive, though he felt there was no reason for it.

"Asking her out to dinner is nothing?"

"How do you know? You couldn't have heard us from the hall!"

"One of my buddies heard you. Listen..." he said, moving closer to Sean. He left almost no space between himself and Sean, so nobody saw when he grabbed Sean's crotch. He squeezed, but very lightly. Sean would not get hurt unless Chris squeezed harder. Chris' tone lightened when he said "I thought we were together. What are you doing asking..."

"Whoa, hold on a minute," Sean said. "First of all, let go of my dick." Sean had learned to remain calm no matter what was going on - even if his genitals were about to be crushed in someone's hands. Sean's calm voice made Chris agree immediately. "I don't know what's going on with me right now. This whole thing is a little..."

"A little what? Just 'cause I'm a guy it means you can fuck me and then see other people?"

"No that's not..."

"I don't want to hear it Sean. It's her or me." The way he said "her" that showed Sean that he was not threatening, he was asking. Chris saw her as valid competition for Sean's affections, but also as the woman who could break his heart. Chris did not wait for an answer, he simply walked away and left Sean to return home.

Beth was not late. She arrived wearing a long, revealing black dress. With Sean in a tuxedo they made a handsome couple, and they both knew this from the looks they got from the others in the restaurant while they were being seated. As soon as the waiter left with their drink orders, Beth began talking.

"I went to the mall this evening," she said. "After school. Guess who I ran into?"

"Who?" Sean said, pretending to be interested. He wanted to talk to her, but he wanted her to say something that would absolve her of her previous sins. His problem was much more pressing than the person she had seen at the mall.

"Chris," she said sternly. Her entire face showed her anger at the name, and Sean quickly guessed what had happened.

"Oh."

"You told him we were going out?"

"No."

"Well how else would he know?"

"I don't know. But what difference does it make anyway?"

"Well none, except that we aren't going out. Well not yet at least." She smiled shyly. "I mean, this is a start, but what if we end up hating each other after tonight?"

"I already hate you." Sean saw the conversation heading back towards Chris, and he knew he had to steer it in the direction he wanted it.

"And why is that? Because of your stupid stories and poems?"

"Journals too," Sean said, taking a sip of water. The waiter arrived, served the drinks and took the dinner order. Sean was not sure that they would be there long enough to receive their dinner, but she started ordering, so he had to do the same to get rid of the waiter. When the waiter left, the conversation continued as if it had never stopped. "So they're stupid? What could I have done to make them appealing to you?" She rolled her eyes.

"I didn't come here to fight with you," she said.

"Then what did you come here to do?"

"I don't know. But first I want to know why Chris..."

"I don't know what Chris thinks, nor do I care."

"Fine, fuck Chris. I also wanted to find out why you're so upset about my reading your stuff." Sean opened his mouth to answer. He was not completely sure himself, but suddenly he decided to tell her everything - about how his writing gave him an escape from the world. But all that came out of his mouth was..."It's private."

"Okay, fine, I understand that and I'm sorry, but I can't change..."

"Nobody's asking you to." Sean would have prompted her to say what he wanted to hear, but he did not know what she could say that would appease him. But then what she needed to say came out of his mouth.

"Beth, out of everything you read, what did you like the best? No, wait, I'll tell you mine. It was one of the short stories; I'll give you the gist of it. This guy had the biggest crush on this girl for the longest time. He finally got the courage to ask her out, but while they were eating dinner, he found out that she was a bitch, and he threw a drink all over her brand new dress." Sean slowly lifted his glass, watched the expression on her face change to disbelief, and then he tossed the liquid at her. She sat calmly, allowing the pain to show only in her eyes. She had gone through his things because she wanted to get to know him better, not because she wanted to invade his privacy.

"The dress isn't new," she said, starting to clean it off with a napkin. She desperately wanted to look around to check if anybody had seen what had happened, but she did not because the embarrassment if someone had seen would have been too much for her to take at that moment.

"Yes it is," Sean said. "Isn't that what you were doing at the mall? And you obviously didn't have time to get it altered because it's too tight for you."

"It is not!"

"Yes, it is. I've seen your breasts, they don't look anything like that." The courage he got to say these words to her came from his anger towards her. The anger did not dissipate until he had finished insulting her. He then used the insult to apologize. "They're not all squished up. They're round, and beautiful, Beth, just like the rest of you." He looked into her eyes as they softened. The look was not menacing, but kind, as if asking for forgiveness.

"My favourite," she said, ignoring the topic of her breasts, "was another story, where the guy had a crush on this girl for a long time, and he asked her out, and they ended up falling in love."

"Yes I wrote different versions of that story."

"So how's the real one going to turn out?"

"I don't know," Sean said as the food arrived. "Thank- you." The waiter left, reminding them to call if they needed anything. The food had interrupted their thoughts, and so it became the subject of conversation. "How is it?" Sean asked.

"It's good," she said. "Yours?"

"Delicious. Would you like to try some?"

"Sure, and here, have some of mine." They exchanged plates, tasted each other's food, and switched back.

"I'm sorry," Sean said.

"No, I'm sorry. But the dress isn't new. I've had it for a couple of years. That's why it's tight. I wore it because, I guess I thought it made me look good." She stood up. "Listen Sean I think I'd better go. Maybe this dinner wasn't a good idea."

"I'm glad you feel the same way I do."

"Sean I said I was sorry. What more do you want?"

"I don't know, but I just don't think it's good enough." He looked down and continued eating, hoping that she would not actually leave. To his relief she sat down again and resumed her meal. Except for the soft, classical music they sat in silence until their main course was almost completely finished.

"What made you end up naked in my bed?" The question was unexpected after the long period of silence, but she answered it quickly.

"Because of what I read. Sean nobody I know has ever tried to speak to you and get to know you. That's why I was snooping around your room, because I wanted to find out stuff about you. And I liked what I found."

"Really?"

"Yes. I know it was private and I had no right, but something good did come out of it didn't it? You're on a date with the girl you've liked for so long, and I'm on a date with the handsome guy I've been dying to get to know."

Both of their moods improved for the rest of the meal, though not enough for them to want to stay and order dessert. They said a friendly good night and went their separate ways.

~ ~ ~

I've made two friends, Sean thought to himself on Friday night. He was not sure if they were true friends, he really had nothing to compare them to. What he knew is that they both had his phone number, and when he heard the words "Happy Birthday" the following morning, he was hoping it would be one of them. But neither of them knew it was his birthday, so he went to bed, knowing that it would be his last.

He was unable to sleep - not because of what he was planning to do, but because something was wrong. It was the way Beth had come to his house early; it was the way she had not wanted to work, but to talk instead; it was the way she had looked through his entire room, and even went so far as to break into the cupboard; it was the way she had spoken about Chris; it was the way she had dressed the previous night. She had done everything with guilt, guilt for something she needed to tell him, but what?

She had her own reasons for not telling him. The friendship had been suspicious, and she did not want to complicate matters further for Sean, or for herself. She climbed into bed that night thinking about what she could do to show Sean how much she cared.

She woke early, opened her purse and took out a folded piece of paper. She read its contents three times.

The way the wind reaches the stars; The way the sun reaches the earth; Is the way a man reaches his love; Is the way a woman reaches hers.

She did not know what it was about the poem that captivated her. She had taken it from his cupboard, and after having read it the third time she looked at it more closely. She examined his handwriting. The long bar across the "t", the small dot above the "i", the wide curve of the "e", the elongated "l" - it was beautiful, as beautiful as he was. And then she wanted him, desperately. She wanted to run her hands through his hair and lick the sweet flesh of his chest, but mostly she wanted to know what it felt like to have the man she loved inside of her. She hoped that her plan would work, because if it did not, examining the writing would be the closest she would get to him.

Then out of her purse she took Sean's pen. She wondered why he had not missed it, or perhaps he had just not mentioned it to her. She replaced it and took out her wallet - her means for rectifying the situation. Then she took out her phone.

"Beth?" Chris said, picking up the phone. He saw her number on the display, and he picked it up with eagerness.

"Yeah."

"What's up?"

"Are you busy?"

"No, what..."

"Can I come over?"

"Umm, sure. Okay..."

"I'll be there in fifteen minutes." She quickly changed into jeans and a t-shirt, and then drove to Chris'. He answered the door looking puzzled, but happy, to see her. He invited her inside, and they sat down in his living room. "I wanted to ask you something about Sean," she said as soon as they were seated.

"What about him?"

"It might sound a bit weird, but I know you guys have kind of been hanging out, so I was hoping you could tell me, umm, why he doesn't have any friends?"

"What? How would I know?"

"Sorry, that came out wrong. There's more to it. See he's really smart, and sweet, and nice, and handsome. He's like the most perfect guy, but still nobody seems to like him."

"Yeah I know what you mean," Chris said. "I really don't know. I was actually wondering that myself. But why are you so concerned about it?"

"I don't know, I guess..."

"Wait, Beth. I don't think I want to know. I want to give us another chance." Chris, remembering what had worked the first time he tried it, leaned over and placed his hand on her thigh. She remembered when he had done it as well, and how she had allowed it to slide higher and higher, until she would finally say, "forget the movie" and they would leave. But this time was different. His touch felt different, it felt wrong.

It was early Saturday morning, and Sean was the only one awake. He was standing at the edge of the pool wearing a pair of black swimming trunks. What about a note? He did not need one - his writings would say everything. But he did not think he had mentioned how much he loved his family - he had not written them as suicide notes. It did not matter, they would know that he loved them. He looked into the water, the morning sun shining on it. It was calm and inviting, but to Sean it was turbulent and made him feel like he was about to dive into a giant blender. For a moment, the water made him forget why he was doing it, but then he remembered. The kiss, the kiss he had still not experienced, though he had both a guy and a girl who were in love with him and who would have given him the kiss he had longed for so much. But is a kiss a good enough reason to...yes, it was because it was not just about the kiss, it was about having someone to kiss. He had Beth and Chris, but words like "love" and "friendship" did not relate to either of them.

"I'm not interested Chris," Beth said. "So stop it."

"Come on, remember when I used to do this?" He pushed his hand against her - he knew exactly where - and despite herself she felt pleasure.

"Stop it!" She said again. But this time she was laughing, enjoying his touch.

Sean slipped, but managed to keep his balance. What about school? He was at the top of his class, or at least close to it. He could get into any university he wanted, he could become anything he wanted. A doctor maybe - he could become a doctor and cure people of physical illnesses. Or he could become a psychiatrist, and help people with mental problems. He did not want to be a doctor, but him knowing that he could made him feel powerful. And maybe life would get better; maybe he would meet someone in university. So what if he did not get his kiss by the time he was eighteen? He could wait. If it was as special as he had always imagined it would be, he could wait.

She felt her underwear being removed and she pointed her legs straight in the air to facilitate it. Her mouth was on the back of Chris' neck while his tongue was inside her, licking it's way back into her life. She did not know, she did not even care where he had learned to do it, he was doing a good job. She did not like him, but the pleasure he was giving her was impossible to resist. But suddenly, just for a second, his mouth slipped and the pleasure stopped. When it started again she thought of Sean and knew that she could not let him finish. She took her mouth off his neck. "Chris," she said, "I can't. I'm with Sean, I..."

"Sean? You're blowing me off for Sean? Just forget about him! He doesn't want either of us!" She took that to mean that Sean did not want him as a friend, but when she saw the look on Chris' face, she knew that her interpretation was wrong.

Millions of people could become doctors, Sean thought right before he dove into the pool. Once underneath the water, he liberated himself. He floated to the top, holding the breath he had taken. He waited until he was floating face down, moving only slightly with the current that had developed because of his dive, and then he released it. He hoped it would happen soon. But it did not. His lungs began constricting and contracting, trying to get air from any available source. He kept himself under the water, gasping for breath until he could take it no longer. He allowed himself to breathe, but only water entered his nose and lungs. The chlorine burned his throat, and without thinking he struggled to get his face above water and took a large breath of air. He did not waste a second - as soon as he had the air he went back under the water.

"What do you mean?" She asked.

"Nothing," Chris said.

"No, you meant something." She retrieved her underwear from the floor, and put it on under her dress.

"What do you think I meant?"

"I don't know, that's why I'm asking you. But as soon as I figure it out, I'm going to make sure the whole school knows!"

"No, no, wait, I'll tell you okay? Just, please, promise to keep it a secret." She knew how to get things out of him - all she had to do was threaten his reputation. "I'm gay."

"What?" It was the last thing she had expected to hear. She had dated him, and she had sex with him, how could he be gay? He did not give her a chance to react to the first bit of news. "And, I don't know how it happened, but I started liking Sean, a lot. And he knows, but, he, I don't know, I guess he wants you."

Sean went from wanting neither of them to wanting both of them. It did not matter that Chris was a boy, and it did not matter that Beth had invaded his privacy. He still loved them both. But he knew he had to choose, and quickly, before his heart stopped. It was good enough for him to realize that he would pick one of them, and for the second time he popped his head out of the water. Then he suddenly felt the urge to put his hand inside his shorts and think about how Chris had pleasured him. He had feelings for Chris too. He did not know where they came from, but he knew they were there. As he rubbed himself he thought of Beth, and seeing her naked body on his bed increased his feelings of ecstasy. Then suddenly he stopped. What made him think that Beth or Chris would still want him? He went back underneath the water. He wanted to cry, but he could not while immersed in the water. So he held the tears inside, telling himself that it would soon be over. His lungs, once again, began frantically searching for air, until...

Beth, if she had known about them, would have known where they had come from. And then she realized why she was scared. She was preoccupied with his lack of friends, but with good reason. His lack of companionship may have caused his feelings for her. If that was the case, they could never be happy because it meant that his feelings were not real.

"Don't worry," she said to Chris. "I won't tell anyone. But I really have to go."

"Thank-you," he said. "Anyway it's nice to have finally told someone."

"Well, you told Sean, didn't you?"

"No, well, I showed him."

"What?"

"Well, we kind of..." The look on Beth's face told Chris that he did not have to continue.

"Oh my God, Chris, you didn't!?"

"Yes, we did. But Beth, it's okay. I asked him about being gay. He said he wasn't and that it was just me. We didn't really discuss it further than that - I don't know exactly what he meant, but that was before. When I talked to him on Tuesday he wouldn't even give me the time of day. I really think he wants you."

"You mean you two..." She had not heard anything he said after the first bit.

"Listen, it was my fault, I practically forced him. Don't hold it against him. He really does like you..."

"How do you know?"

"He asked you out didn't he?"

"Yeah, I guess..."

"Well then? Do you have any reason to believe he doesn't?"

"Yeah! What you just told me!"

"Well try not to think about it. Like I said, it was my fault..." She nodded her head, she did not want to think about it. She wanted to think about Sean.

"Happy birthday!" Richard said, bursting into Sean's room. He looked around, surprised that the bed was empty. It was also unmade, which told him that something was wrong. He knew that Sean always made his bed as soon as he got up in the morning. "Sean?" He said, thinking that his younger brother must be somewhere in the room. He got no response, so he took the breakfast he had made back into the kitchen and placed it on the counter. He looked outside. His brother sometimes enjoyed swimming or walking in the morning, but Sean was not outside either. Richard did not have a complete view of the pool, he could not see if Sean was inside or not. Richard went outside and walked over to the pool. As he approached it he saw something in it, but could not make it out. He saw only a dark shape, it looked as if something had fallen in and was lying on the bottom. When he got close enough to the pool he peered over and looked inside.

"What are you doing?" Sean asked, startling Richard who nearly fell inside. Richard turned around and saw Sean standing behind him wearing boxer shorts and a t-shirt. His hair was stringy and messy, and he had bags under his eyes. "Sorry, I was in the bathroom when you came into my room."

"Sean are you okay?" Richard had never before seen his brother looking the way he was. Sean always kept a tidy appearance, even if he was just lounging around the house.

"Yes, I'm fine, just tired."

"Oh. Well, I made some coffee. I guess that'll wake you up. And happy birthday."

"Thanks." They sat down to breakfast. "Where are mom and dad?"

"Oh, they flew out early this morning. Some business thing came up. They said sorry, and they're going to call you later."

"Oh, okay."

"Oh yeah, your present." He said. He left the kitchen and returned with a box in his hand.

"Thank-you," said Sean. He opened the box, trying to look excited so that his brother would not be disappointed. He ripped off the wrapping - it was a cellular phone.

"So that you can keep in touch with Beth." He said, smiling.

"It's really nice," Sean said, looking at the picture on the box. "Thanks." Sean and Richard finished their meal, and then sat down to watch a movie.

About halfway through the movie, the doorbell rang, and Sean got up to answer it.

"Hi!" Beth said happily.

"Hi. What are you doing..."

"I came to give you something," she said, stepping past him. "Hey Richard," she said. He lifted his hand in a sort of wave, and retreated uncomfortably to the kitchen. He would have liked to stay, but he knew that they would want privacy. She took a pen box out of her purse and handed it to him.

"Thanks," he said. "But you really didn't have..."

"I know, but it's sort of a peace offering, to apologize for what I did." He did not know whether or not he wanted to accept it, but either way he wanted to know what it was. He opened the box, and saw a silver fountain pen, almost identical to the one he had in his drawer.

"Thank-you Beth, it's so nice! But I'm afraid I have one..."

"I know, it's engraved now."

"What?" He took it out of the box. She had engraved her initials, and then a heart, and then his initials. "Beth, do you know how long it took me to find a pen like this? And do you know how much it cost?"

"Well it is a nice..."

"It took me almost a year to find it! Beth if this doesn't work out..."

"But if it does, you'll have it forever."

"I'll have it forever no matter what! And how did you know it was my birthday?"

"It's your birthday?" Sean nodded. He led her up to his room, then closed the door and the curtains. He went over to his aquarium and bathed the room in a blue light. She knew what he wanted, she wanted the same thing. She removed her clothes as he removed his, and they lay on the bed, facing each other. His tongue came out and met her lips; her tongue came out and met his; their lips pressed together as they kissed - a passionate, honest, raw kiss that brought tears to his eyes, and fulfillment to his life.

Chris had not moved from the couch all morning. He was thinking about Beth, and about Sean. He had really liked Beth, but he had lost her. She was probably the only woman he would ever find himself attracted to. But he was not upset about Sean. Sean did not matter, there were many men he could fall in love with.

His tears were finally allowed to flow. There was nothing he could have done to prevent them. He cried for losing Beth and for using Sean. He cried because he was different.

"Sean," she said.

"Yeah?"

"I took a poem from you. I wanted you to explain it."

"Which poem?" She read it to him.

"It means that love is a journey. You can't fall in love overnight, or in the blink of an eye. You have to get to know the person as intimately as you know the feel of your own skin. When that happens, and only then, is it possible to fall in love." They closed their eyes and savoured the feeling of being in each other's arms.