THE GOSPEL ACCORDING TO NATE
By
Encolpius
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ELEVEN
The way t happened was that I was supposed to work Christmas and be off New Years. Then a guy on the Blue Team got tickets to the BCS National Championship game between Florida and Nebraska and wanted to swap holidays. So, I agreed to swap. JP still had to work so it wasn't like I was gong to be doing anything on those days anyway even thoguh we had planned to go his mother's for lunch before our shitt on Christms Day. But I had been thinking more and more how sad it was that Charlie had been estranged from his family and when he died all they really cared about was the money and the estate. But I was estranged from my family too and I think Charlie had really wanted me to make that right. That was the thought that was on my mind Christmas Eve.
"Well, how far is it?" JP asked "I mean, how long would it take?"
"I don't know. Up 75 to Lake City, over to Tallahassee and then up. Maybe 4 or 5 hours"
"And?"
And, yeah. It wa just after noon and I packed a bag, going blind. I had no idea if I would be welcome or not. I had left the message on voicemail and hadn't heard anything back but I hadn't left a number either. I didn't rememer if they had caller ID but I doubted it. Anyway, I didn't know. It could be great or it could go bad. It was pretty warm when I left but the traffic was bad on the Turnpike. And so was 75 until it thinned out north of Gainesvile. I was on my motorcycle. I couldn't speed, not even on I-10, because there were lots of cops out. It was dark when I hit the Georgia line and turning chilly. All I had was a windbreaker and I was feeling the chill.
I pulled off the paved road and down the dirt road the quarter mile and pulled into the yard. Three were 5 other vehicles there. My grandmother and my aunts and uncles were there for Christmas Eve. I had to talk myself into it though. Part of me just wanted to speed off but I didn;t. Plus it was really getting colder and uncomfortable. Then I decided there was no way to know but to know. They would welcome me or not. I just had to hope this wasn't a huge mistake. They have guns. Tha's a possibility too.
I rang the doorbell and waited, anxious. My heart was racing. I was nervous. A young teenage girl answered, my sister Rachel.
"Wow. You grew up" I said. She was looking at me strangely, like she didn't recognize me. "It's me, Nate. Your broher, Nate"
She slammed the door shut.
I was shocked. I had been her favorite. I had feared that but I hadn't really expected it. I had played through scenarios in my head as I drove there but not that one. I turned, crushed and disappointed, and walked away, down the steps of the front porch. I was foor or five strides into the yard when the the front door flew open. It was my dad. The door open, standing there.
"Nate!" he called.
I turned to run. It was hopeless. I could never got the bike and get it cranked before he would be on me. I took three running steps before realizing that I was going to have to stand and fight. I turned back to face him as he was almsot on me. When he got close, i pushed him back.
"Don't hurt me" I said "I'm leaving"
He moved toward me again and I back pedaled. Then, suddenly, I found myself in my mothers arms. She came flying up, wrapped me tight in a bear hug and was sobbung.
"Oh, Nate! Nate!" she said, cryig and burying her head into my shoulder.
I didn't know what to do. There were others now, piling in around me. My father had me in a bear hug. Rachel, my grandmother. I looked and saw my brotter Sam standing to the side with a girl that I figured was his girlfriend. I was almost pushed to the ground from people hugging me and my mother was sobbing the whole time. I didn't know what to say.
"Okay, let's let Nate come inside. It's cold" my Dad said., pushing people back. My mom was reluctatnt to let go
"You didn't leave a number. I had no way to call you" she said "Oh, the times I wished I could have talked to you, Nate. All the things I would have said. But you're here now"
I moved toward the door, still overwhelmed. Sam, my brother stopped me. He ontroduced his girlfriend, his fiance, and I said hello.
"I told them what I did" he said "I just wanted you to know that. I told them about that time in the bathroom"
At first I was confused then I remembered. He had held the door while they beat me up and then delivered a good kcik in my side when I was down.
"You didn't want them to think you were gay too" I said
"You deserved better from a brother than what I did"
"It was a long time ago" I said nd turned to walk in. He shook his head and looked down. Silent. I stopped and looked at him. "Do you wnat me to foregive you, Sam?"
"I don't deserve it" he said
"I do. I forgive you" I siad. "We all do things we're not proud of"
He looked like he was going to cry. I don't how much guilt he carried around from that day 6 yaers ago but it seemed like a lot. He hugged me and thanked me. They made me go inside the house. I had to admit I was cold outside. Inside was the spread, the holiday food. A table full of it. Dressing, acre peas, ham, turkey, squash casserole, potatoes. There were finger foods. Desserts. A lot of food.
"Woe" I said "Look at the food"
My mother instantly began messing about, wanting me to make a plate. She wanted to feed me. She told me I was skinny and needed to eat. Sam, my brother, the former football jiock, was still pretty fit but was beginning to show the signs that he wasn't the athlete he was. . I was more fit than he was, a reversal of a few years ago. I made a plate and sat down in the living room. I sat in a dinning room chair that had been brought into the living room, right there in the doorway between the two rooms. Everybody was crowded around but I was the only one with a plate. They had all ready eaten. It was time to open presents.
"I can wait to eat until later if you want to open presents" I said
"No, Nate. Take all the time you want. We're not in a hurry. You being here the best present of all" Mom said
I ate but I felt pretty self conscious about it. They were done and waiting. And they wrere watching me. My parents were opposite from me, on he couch, with my grandmother. My sister, Rachel, was next to me on left. Across the room on my right was Sam and his fiance. My aunt and uncle were there. Their teenage kids were spaced thought the room. Another aunt was to my left.
"Were are you living, Nate?" my Mom asked
I hesitated "Um, Orlando"
"Is there somebody special in your life?"
I looked at her and almost asked her to clarify if she meant a boyfiend but I didn't. "Um,yeah. His name is JP. We've been together for about 6 momths. He was a nurse in the hospital when I was doing clinicals in nursing school. That's how we met"
"You're a nurse?"
"Yeah" I answered
"I think you would make a good one" she said. My father nodded "You're compassionate"
I stod up to return the plate. "Um, I'm done. It was really good"
"No!" my mom said. "Eat up. You don't have to hurry for us"
"You're too skinny" my grandmother chimed in
I smiled. "I'm really done. It was great, though"
"We'll pack it up. You can have leftovers" she said
A little cousin, maybe 12 years old, was in charge of passing out the gifts. I watched Rachel open hers, a bunch of girly girl stuff and my Mom got plenty. She was effusive in her thanks. I got to just watch them, be silent and not be the center of attention. Sam got some, his fiance did too. I just listened to the noise and the talking and enjoyed being quiet. Sam got a gift in a bag.
"It's not fair" Sam said loudly "I got all this and Nate has nothing":
"It's okay, Sam. They didn't know I was coming" I said
"We'll go shipping after Christmas, Nate." my Mom said
I shrugged. "I have to leave tomorrow. I have to work after that"
"No! Just one night. No. You need to stay, Nate. Don't leave"
"I have to"
Sam got up and brought the bag and handed it to me. "Merry Christmas"
I protested. "It's your present Sam. You don't have to. It's not a big deal"
"It's a big deal to me. It's a leather jacket. It's nice. It's cold and all you have is a windbreaker. Take it, Nate. Merry Christmas."
I nodded. I pulled it out and tried it on. It fit. And he was right. It was nice. Real quality.
"Wow" I said "Thanks"
I was going to have to stay with them. There was no place in our small town to stay and I didn;t want to drive back to Bainbridge tongiht. Sam was right. It was getting cold. Immeditately, my Mom was busily moving people around in bedrooms. Sam and his fiance had separate rooms and, even though he offered to share a room with her, they were going to stay separate. She could move in with Rachel and I could have my old room back. There was a debate about Rachel sleeping ont he couch. I volunteered for the couch so that no one had to move. My Mom was insistent, though, that I sleep in my old room. I didn't fight her becuase it wa important to her. I had some more to eat after everybody else left. It was just my family.
I wole up in the morning smelling bacon frying. I got up and went into the kitchen She was busy cooking breakfast.
"Hello, sweetie. Did you sleep well?" she asked. I said I did. "Get some coffee. We can talk before everybody else gets up"
I got a cup and then sat at the breakfast room table. "I'm sorry"
She turned and looked at me, a concerned look on her face.
"I'm sorry if I hurt you. I didn't mean to. I honestly thought it was best for me to just go and y'all go on as a family without me. Well, that's not true. I wasn;t trying to hurt you but I didn;t care if I did. I was really angry at you. You and him. I didn't care if I hurt you. That wa wrong. It was mean. And I'm sorry. I won't just be silent in the future"
She started to cry. "We never intended to hurt you. We didn't. We just didn't know better. And when we knew that you were hurt, that you were broken, we didn't know how to fix it. Everything we did was wrong. It only made it worse. And then ... Oh, God and then ..."
I was silent.
"I didn't give brith to you, Nate. But I have known you your whole life. You were a precious gift. You heard .... God, so many times I wished I could take that back. You left here thinking you weren't loved. I prayed so many times that God would give me one chance to tell you that I love you"
I was beginningt to tear up.
"This boy" she asked "Do you love him?"
"Yes"
"I'm glad. I'm happy for you. And I am proud that you turned out well. I just wish we could take credit for it"
We all ate breakfast and there was talking. I mostly listened. It was leisurely breakfast. But even in the house, I could tell it was cold outside. And going outside confumed it The temperature had dropped overnight. It was in the low 30's. And I needed to get back.
"It's too cold" my Mom said "You need to stay"
"I can't. I'm in my first 6 months. I need to go to work"
"We'll load your bike in my truck and I'll drive you back" my Dad said. I protested that it was too much but he wasn't taking it.. "No son. That's what we are going to do"
It meant I had to ride with him for 5 hours. In a way, I wasn't looking forward to it. We got my bike in the bed and strapped down and we set off after giving my Mom a long hug. At first, we didn't talk about much of anythng important Then he wanted to.
"There's nothing sadder to me than to see my son backing away from me because he thoght I was going to hurt him" he said "I hate that I ever made you think that"
"I just didn't know" i said
"No, it;'s not your fault. It's mine. I thought what we were doing was best. It was what the pastor recommended. I thought it was important that we help you beat this gay thing and be right with God because of what the Bible said and so we did but we meant it for your good, not to hurt you"
"Yeah, Dad. I got it' i said bitterly "God hates me"
"No! Nate, no" he said, anguish in his voive 'I'm not saying that. I'm not good at this but no. We were wrong. We didn't mean ot hurt you but we did. And God doesn't hate you. It isn't God's fault. God is love, Nate. I believe that. I think maybe it's that men think that they get to speak for God, that they know what God thinks or thye think God thinks what they think. Either way, I don't know. But I guess it isn't what God thinks but people. Any way, my job is to be your father. And I failed in thta. And I failed with Sam. And I just hope one day you can forgive me and God can forgive me"
"I think maybe people kind of create God in their own image. They make God be what they are"
"That's a good way to put it. And I understand a lot of things I didn't understand bore. How being gay isn't a choice and how you are just being who you are and thta it really doesn't have anything to do with what I did or didn't do. And being like you are isn't abnormal for you. You are right for you:"
"Yeah" I said "That's right"
It was a long trip but it ended up being really good. I discovered I liked my dad. He was a good guy. He was limited by his experience and the world he grew up in but he was a good guy and he was really trying. We mostly talked about other things and we laughed quite a few times. The traffic wasn't that bad on Christmas day. It was nearly 5 PM when we pulled into the driveway. JP came out and met us as we were unloading the motorcycle.
"Dad, this is JP" I said
He stuck out his hand "Cal Goodman. Good to meet you"
I asked him to come inside and got him a Coke. He looked around and nodded. I asked him to stay the night but he said he wanted to push on back home.
"You know, there was a time that I thought that meeting your boyfriend would be the worst day of my life but it might actually be the best"
"I'm glad you did"
"I'm proud of you, Nate. I want you to know that. You've a fine young man. Both of you are"