Standard disclaimer applies. Do not read if you shouldn't or don't want to.
They say that guilt is an argument between our desires and our consciences. They say that it is much easier to ask for forgiveness than permission.
Jesse- "I'm gonna go check on your shirt," I said standing up. I couldn't count how many times I'd rolled my eyes or fallen asleep. The guy was a total spaz. He wasn't funny, smart or particularly handsome. He had great arms and from what I could gather a nice chest, but he was so full of himself it wasn't even funny. What's worse is that he assumed that I was into him simply because I was gay and he was mildly attractive. I hated to burst that bubble.
I went down the laundry room and noticed the guy who'd lent me detergent was still there.
"Wow," I commented. "You must be doing some fierce laundry." He looked up from his book and smiled. "Ugh, I should have come in here and read a book with you. The guy in my apartment is a total ass wipe."
"I'm sorry. You can chill in here if you want. I wasn't really reading anymore so much as dozing off." He paused. "I could use the company." I walked the shirt from the washer across the room to the dryers. I put thirty minutes worth of quarters in and turned to face the reading guy.
"I would love to, but I don't trust that dude in my apartment alone."
"What number are you?"
"3A," I told him.
"Oh," he replied. "That's right under me."
"Good spot to be, I can imagine," I said. He laughed again. This guy was easily amused and I liked it. "I might sneak away for a while. I'll catch you later if you're still down here."
I was just about to get to the door when he said, "Hey. How about I come up with you? You know, soften the blow a little bit."
"There is safety in numbers," I joked.
Zach- "I really cannot believe you," I said to him when he got home the next morning. "What are you doing?"
"Leave it alone, Zach," he said to me.
"What are you two arguing about this time?" Shane chimed in.
"Nothing," Charles and I said at the same time. He walked into the apartment, went straight to his bedroom and took off the expensive suit he was wearing. He came back out in a pair of pajama bottoms and sat at the table, reaching for a bowl and a box of cereal.
"Seriously though," I said. I could tell I was getting annoying. I realized that. And I realized that I was projecting my frustrations with Chris onto Charles, but that didn't make a difference; he was still wrong. And I told him so. "That is still wrong."
"Look," he said fed up. "I understand how you feel. Trust me, and after I talked to you yesterday, I had a heart to heart with Madison. I told him he was an option. He wasn't option number one, but he was certainly an option. If it leads somewhere, great! If not, then whatever."
"I thought you were trying the whole fidelity thing," Shane said. I couldn't have put it better.
"God," Charles said. He got his bowl of cereal and stormed into his room, shutting the door behind him.
"Did I say something?"
Denton- Preston showed up after 2 A.M. and we went straight up to my room. Mitchell avoided eye contact with me as we made our way past the commons and up the stairs. I was a little surprised he was still up watching TV, but then again, part of me wasn't surprised at all. If he thought I was dangling Preston in front of him, he was wrong. I wasn't dangling, I was horny.
We got to my room, and as usual, Preston went straight for my clothes, trying to unzip my pants and undo my shirt as quickly as possible. I stopped him.
"What's wrong?" he asked. I sat down on the bed and he sat down next to me.
"Nothing," I said. I didn't know. "I had a conversation with my ex-whatever today I thought about something."
"Ok," he said. He sounded nervous. "Is it bad? Do you not want to do this?" "No, I really do," I said. "But we've been doing the just sex thing for a while now."
"Do you want something else?" Did I? I didn't know. What did I want? What was Mitchell doing to me? He had me thinking, and thinking always gets in the way of good sex.
"I don't think so," I replied. "I like having crazy wild sex with you." Hi smiled. I touched his inner thigh. "But I think I want to kiss you," and I leaned in close and kissed him. "And I want to touch you tenderly," I said. I took his shirt off slowly. Our eyes met and we held the gaze for as long as we could.
"Am I too rough?" he asked. He was genuinely concerned. "Am I too selfish?"
"No," I said quietly. "But every once in a while, I guess rather do more than just have sex."
"You want intimacy?" he asked quietly. By now I had moved so that I was kneeling between his legs. I was gently fingering his sexy curly hair. His deep southern voice was making me hotter than I'd ever been.
"I want you to gently go inside me, and stay there all night long," I whispered in his ear before licking it. He moaned.
"You want me to go slow and soft?" he asked.
"I want you to make love to me," I said. I moved down to his neck. "And if you feel like speeding up, if you feel like fucking, remember that sometimes, its more than just having sex."
I couldn't hear the words until I'd said them. I was genuinely attracted to Preston, but I didn't love him. Was this the litmus test? Was I trying to make him pass so that I could feel better about what I was doing to Mitchell? Was I adding feelings to this fling so that I could justify my actions? If so, I really hoped that Preston would pass.
Jesse- We talked about some interesting things on our way to my apartment. Apparently, his name was Keith Ferguson, but a lot of people called him Fergy, kind of like the singer, he explained, but with a `y.' He was passing through Texas as part of a cross-country tour. He actually went to school in California, but he took a year off in order to see the United States.
"I took a history class and realized I hadn't seen any of the places we'd talked about," he told me. So he decided to pack a bag and walk across the country, stopping at places that interested him. "I went back to California eventually and when I graduated, I decided I wanted to teach."
I asked why he picked Texas, of all places. He said it was his favorite place when he passed by it. He'd actually just moved back a couple weeks ago and was just getting settled into his new apartment. He was going to be a History and Geography teacher at the middle school across town.
I thought the whole thing was pretty awesome.
When we got into my apartment the pizza guy had fallen asleep on my couch.
"Shh," I said. "Follow me." I lead him to my bedroom and closed the door. I didn't turn the lights on, but I could vaguely make out his body as my eyes adjusted.
"Wow," he laughed. "It didn't take you long to get me back to your place."
"I move quickly," I said. I could feel more than see his face close to mine.
"I usually don't kiss on the first date," I said.
"Prude," I said playfully. He laughed. I reached out and touched him around his torso. He felt tense and a little nervous. "Plus, the way I see it, we have 20 minutes to kill." I didn't want to pressure him to make out with me if he didn't want to. I assumed he was thinking, so I just stood there looking him in the eye.
"I guess I can break my rule," he said. "Besides, we've already seen each other's laundry."
Not quite, I thought. But his tongue was already in my mouth and I was in no position to correct him.
Denton- Preston was God's gift to me. As much as I loved being plowed by the hung country stud, being loved by him was twice as good.
His idea of slow wasn't slow at all, instead it was barely moving. His thrusts came once every few minutes and every time his cock went back inside of me, he stretched me further than the last. He would bury his cock in quickly and keep it there, pulling out so slowly I didn't even realize he was going anywhere.
I lay on my side, my neck craned back so that he could kiss me. He whispered soft low things in his beautiful southern drawl, pushing me further faster.
His pace was agonizing. "I want to look into your eyes," he said after an hour of non-fucking. I marveled at how he could stay so impossibly hard for so long without actually doing anything to me.
"You make it easy," he replied when I asked him. We reshuffled and now I was laying on my back, looking up at him. His intense upper body strength allowed him support both of our weight, as I wrapped my legs around his torso after he was buried deep inside of me, and he leaned in so that he was laying right on top of me, my cock lodged between our hard abs.
Every non-thrust sent a wave through my trapped dick as his abs created a tight hole for it. I moaned, releasing a steady stream of pre-cum between us. I don't remember ever being so turned on.
His kiss was different tonight. It had meaning. Every time he ran his tongue into my mouth it was as if to convey a message to me- that he was willing to do anything I wanted to do. He took me seriously when I said I wanted to be loved.
Every once in a while he'd ask me something not related to what we were doing at all. He asked me about my family, what I wanted to do with my life and things like that. It took all of my concentration to answer his questions without blowing my wad while talking about something personal. He found ways to make the common subjects exceedingly erotic. I loved it.
I spilled more pre cum that night than I'd ever spilled in my life. And after four hours of non-sex, Preston finally filled the condom he was wearing with rope after rope of hot spent up cum. I thought he was gonna explode as he smiled at me right before rolling his eyes back and letting out a soft but powerful roar. I'd never seen a guy so ready to cum before, and it was well worth it. When he sat up, he noticed an impossible amount of my cum on both of our stomachs.
"How many times did you shoot dude?" he said. I looked into his eyes, noticing from the corner of my vision that the sun was coming up.
"More times than I can count," I replied. He kissed me one last time and I got up to walk him out.
I put on a towel and we headed down the stairs to the front door. He kissed me once at the door and said he probably wouldn't be able to see me until this weekend. He was auditioning some new bartenders and he'd be really busy. I said I'd call him.
I went back into the house and up the stairs. As I passed the common room, I noticed something that sunk my heart. Mitchell was still there, still up and still watching television. This time I avoided his eyes as I ran up the stairs to my bedroom.
Jesse- We didn't have sex. This guy was way too old fashioned for that. We made out for half an hour and then I went down the laundry room to get pizza boy's shirt. I folded it and put it on the coffee table by his feet before going back into my bedroom.
Furgy was sitting there in the dark and I sat next to him.
"I can't have sex with you tonight," he said to me.
"Tonight? Does that mean we'll do it eventually?"
"If we hit off, I guess," he said. I kissed him again. He pulled back. "I have to tell you something," I sat up straight, suddenly a little nervous. "I've never actually gone all the way with a guy."
I was stunned for a second. Here this beautiful, traveled and learned man was sitting next to me and he'd never actually had sex with a guy before. He confessed to doing stuff with guys he'd dated while at school, but he was a slow mover. He said he'd been in two major relationships, one with a girl and one with a guy. He was vague on the details of both.
"Are you a virgin?" I asked.
"No," he laughed. "I had a really long relationship in high school with a girl. I lost it to her."
"But since then," I wondered. He shook his head. I was in awe. "So what are you saying?"
"I'd really love to get to know you better. I don't know to many people around here and it would be awesome to have someone."
"So like a dating situation?" I asked.
"Yeah," he replied. "If you're cool with that."
I smiled at him. "Its perfect." He slept over that night, on the futon next to my bed.
Charles- The way they were acting, you'd think I'd committed some mortal sin. Like I'd killed someone or something. To me, it made perfect sense. I was all about maximizing on the options I'd been given.
I'd made a commitment to Brooklyn, sure. But it wasn't a lifetime commitment. And how unromantic would it be to say "I love you, at least until something better comes along." Isn't that why you date, I thought. So that you can keep your options open. If everyone freaking spent their entire lives strapped to the first person they ever dated, then what would be the point.
When I got back to my room, I called Madison.
"Hey," he said. "What's up?"
"Nothing," I said. I didn't sound convincing. He prodded. "My roommate is treating me like some kind of a whore. He said I'm being unfair to you and Brooklyn."
"I don't think you're being unfair to me," he said.
"What about Brooklyn?"
"Well," he began. "I knew you were attached when I met you. That was part of the challenge. I like you and I don't want you to go anywhere soon, but I'm sure you're boyfriend would like an explanation."
"He would dump me," I said.
"Is that such a bad thing," he responded.
"Not for us," I began. I quickly changed the sentence. "Not for you. I meant not for you."
"What are you afraid of, Charles?" I didn't say anything. "I get it, you really like your boyfriend. I'm sure Brooklyn is a great guy and he hasn't done anything wrong. But you like me too, and I know that."
"I know that," I replied. "But if I can't commit to Brooklyn, if I leave him for something that I've only been with for a week and then you decide to get bored and decide what I did to Brooklyn to me, where does that fucking leave me?"
I didn't even realize I was yelling. I didn't realize that my eyes had filled up and that a single tear was coming down. I had bottling up so much guilt that I felt like a pot getting ready to explode. I couldn't leave Brooklyn for Madison because karma is a bitch, and I knew that. Me and Madison would be over before it even began. It had to be a fling and it had to stay that way until I was sure, because breaking Brooklyn's heart meant breaking my own.
And just as I came to that conclusion, my phone clicked, indicating another number was trying to call. I sniffled, cleared my throat and told Madison I would call him back.
"Hello?" I answered. It was Brooklyn.
"Hey babe," he said. He sounded concerned. "What's wrong?"
"Umm, nothing."
"Something's wrong," he said. "I'm coming over."
Before I could stop him, he'd hung up and was on his way.
Zach- "Do I have to tell him?" he asked. Shane, the Italian and I were all there with him as he waited for Brooklyn to come over.
"I vote no," Shane said. "It isn't like you two are married."
"That's true," said Marco. "But telling him is the only way to clear your conscience."
"His conscience is fine," Shane said.
"I think you have to tell him," I said predictably. "It's only fair. He can decide whether or not he wants to continue the relationship, but you have to tell him."
"I don't want to let him go," he said. This whole infidelity thing made little sense to me.
"Be with the one you care about. It's that simple," I said. "But don't string two guys along because you can. It isn't right."
"It's not that easy," he replied.
"I know how to solve this," Shane said standing up. He went into the bedroom and came back out with a paper and a pen. "We're gonna make a list of why each guy is better. We'll split it up into categories, and that will be the one you choose."
"I don't think that a good idea," I said.
"Let's do it!" Marco chimed in.
"Look, this could get messy," I told Charles. I could see the apprehension.
"Let's do it," he said softly. "This could be interesting."
So Shane, the scribe, pulled out a sheet of paper and folded it. He put Brooklyn on one half and Madison on the other.
"Ok," he said. "Let's start simple. Who looks better?"
"That's not simple, that's kind of tough. Brooklyn is younger, but Madison looks more mature. And Madison really knows how to wear a suit, so I guess I'll go with him."
"Ok," Shane said putting a point next to Madison's name and writing looks by it. "One for Madison. Next is personality. Who would you rather talk to?"
"Me and Madison barely talk, but he's really interesting. I'd have to go with Brooklyn though. There's history there."
"Romance?" Marco asked as Shane was giving Brooklyn a point.
"Definitely Madison. He's really smooth and charming."
"I think that deserves two points because charm was going to be next," Shane said writing quickly.
"I don't," I chimed in. "I don't think we should give bonus points."
"Oh whatever," Shane said not looking up. "You just like Brooklyn better." I couldn't deny that. He wasn't the other man.
"Intelligence?" Shane asked Charles.
"Like that matters to Charles," I snarled.
"Brooklyn- he is a teacher," Charles said. He paused. "But Madison is very wealthy, so I feel like that deserves a point."
"Ok," Shane said. "We're almost to the good part. Two more."
"Ok," Charles replied.
"Who has the bigger dick?"
"Oh, come on," I said standing up. "This has gone too far guys. Charles just pick someone already. Like this matters."
"Brooklyn's is longer, but Madison's is thicker."
"Who tastes better?" the Italian asked. I gagged.
"Madison does, I think."
"Ok," Shane said. "So he gets the point. And last but not least, not like it matters because Madison already won. But for fun's sake- who is better in bed?"
And that's when I'm sure Charles made up his mind. I knew who he was picking based solely on his facial expression and it sank my heart a bit. And just as my heart sank for Brooklyn, the doorbell rang and the three of us left Charles to go answer it.
Denton- I avoided Mitchell all day and I got pretty good at it. He was extremely predictable and it wasn't hard to avoid him. He eventually caught on to what I was doing, so I decided that I'd better just confront him and let it go. No use trying to rewrite my life just for him. That night I walked into his room without knocking for what I knew would be a confrontation of the ages.
I was caught unaware by what I saw. There in Mitchell's bed wasn't just one other guy, but two. Mark, from our camping trip, was on his back naked and in his ass was Mitchell's dick pumping in and out as sweat poured down his body and in his mouth was a younger guy, probably from my class, that I hadn't ever seen. He looked up at me first and stopped feeding Mark his cock.
Mitchell turned around and without stopping his thrusts smiled at me and said "Do you mind, Denton? We're in the middle of something." I was paralyzed and slightly embarrassed. "Unless you want to join."
I retreated from the room and backed out slowly, not sure if what I'd seen was actually real. I closed the door, took a deep and went back up to my own empty bedroom.
Charles- When I led Brooklyn into my room, I still didn't know what my decision was. Don't get me wrong, I'd decided long before Shane even began his game that I would test things out with Madison a while longer, but I didn't know if I was going to tell Brooklyn. There should have been a game for that.
"You sounded upset on the phone," he said when I closed the door and turned the light on. Luckily the Italian was smart enough to know not to come in here. "A little stressed."
I wished that Brooklyn was having his own affair. I wished that he was sleeping around so that I wouldn't feel so guilty. He took his jacket off and sat down very close to me.
"Is everything ok, baby?" he asked softly. Here it was. The moment of truth. I decided to let my intuition do its thing. I closed my eyes and spoke.
"I'm fine, I've just been really busy. I've fallen behind in swimming, so I'm trying to get my times back down. Its been a crazy week."
"I completely understand," he said. He kissed me. I tensed. "It's been one for me too. The English department has me doing all sorts of shitty things this week. But I did get some good news. How about I take you out to dinner tomorrow, some place fancy, and we'll talk about it."
"Ok," I said. "I don't want to be the rude guy that kicks his boyfriend out, but I could really use some sleep. Tomorrow is gonna be an early day."
"I understand babe," he said standing up. "I'll call you in the morning to let you know where dinner is."
"Ok," I said. I stood up to open the door for him and as soon as I did, I saw three figures disappear behind different doors and corners. I should have known they were listening.
Brooklyn said he loved me when we got to the front door. I kissed him long and hard to hide the fact that I didn't.
Anything would have made this situation less excruciating. If Brooklyn were ugly or had a flaw or was abusive or didn't have a future. But Brooklyn was perfect. I was the flawed one and no matter how much I tried, there was no way to justify anything I was doing. Instead of trying to think of a way out, I went into my bedroom and called Madison to cancel dinner tomorrow. He told me he'd be over to pick me up for breakfast at 8.
They say that guilt is an argument between our desires and our better judgment. They say that a guilty heart is our conscience talking to us, and that the only way to get rid of the nagging feeling that guilt brings is to come clean. They also say that the longer you live with guilt, the easier it becomes. They say, it is easier to ask for forgiveness than permission.
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