Wilfred

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Chapter Five: Thanksgiving

Seasons come and go, but the harvest season followed by Thanksgiving is my favorite time of year. It had not seemed right, in Japan, to be eating sushi on that particular day. Mom and the two Grandmas were hard at work for a week prior to the holiday, getting everything ready, and as usual we were going to hold the big noisy holiday dinner at our house for the extended family.

Dad has four brothers, and Mom has one sister, so by the time we were overflowing with cousins, uncles, aunts, and the in-laws of all and sundry, it was a pretty stifling experience for me. Should not have been, after all of the noise and confusion and crowding of Japan, but I retreated to my room for about an hour before dinner.

At exactly noon, Mom hollered up the stairs that I had a phone call; I went down the stair-way wondering who could be calling for me on this particular day.

"Elder Campbell?"

"Yes?" My heart was pounding.

"David." Oh my god. Oh. My. God.

"Where are you?"

"Home, Utah, with my folks, just got back from an intense time at school, just enjoying some rest but only for a couple days, then finals are ahead between now and Christmas."

I was choking. "How are you?"

"Great, mostly. I was wondering about something."

"OK. What might that be?"

"Well, I thought it might be nice to get out of the weather for a day or two, so I was wondering if it might be OK if I came out to California to see you right after Christmas?"

"OK? Really? OK? Are you nuts? Of course it is OK, it is a lot more than OK, it is great! When can you get here?"

"Well, if I fly down right after Christmas and stay through New Years, is that going to be a problem?"

"Nope never, not at all, that's a wonderful idea."

"OK, then, I will make the arrangements, and I will give you a call and let you know. So, how have you been?"

"OK." I wanted to cry right then, tell him how much I had missed him, how much I wanted to be with him for the rest of my life, but somehow it could not come out.

"Just OK?"

"Oh, yeah, you know, dating every girl in the Sacramento Valley."

"Haha, right, OK, well, tell me all about it when I get there."

"David?"

"Yeah?"

I made myself pause, I was choking up again. "Thanks."

"Sure." He softened his voice; it was exactly as I remembered it that very first night in the blizzard. I hung up the phone, and not realizing my little sister had been listening, noticed there was a new worry in my life. She grabbed my hand and pulled me up the stairs. We sat on my bed, and she just stared at me intently.

"Give."

"What?"

"What was that about?"

"Sis, I have no idea what you are..."

"Paul Wilford Campbell, you cannot lie to me, you could never lie to me, what the HELL is going on?"

Damn it. I had heard classic stories about gay couples making announcements to their families at Thanksgiving, but I sure did not want that to happen in my life. It belonged in movies, not here on the farm.

"I just have a very special friend, a missionary companion, who is coming to visit after Christmas. I think..."

"Very special friend? Paul? Really? How naïve do you think I am?"

"Well, I am hoping you are completely naïve, in this case."

"Tough luck, brother, better try again. What's his name?"

"David. David Branson. He lives in Salt Lake City, well West Jordan anyway, goes to BYU, and is blonde, blue eyed, six feet tall..."

"Oh, I can imagine."

"WHAT?"

"Paul, seriously, how long did you think you could hide from me?"

"Emily, whatever are you talking about?"

"Paul, if you do not know that you are gay, I certainly do."

"Oh my god."

"Yeah. Right on target again. I high-five myself." She clapped her hands together over her head.

"Oh my god, Emily, what? When? How?"

"Paul dearest, seriously, let's look back just a few years. High school. Who did you take to the senior prom?"

"Teresa."

"Right, Teresa, only the queen of the Latino Lesbians, really Paul, what did you think you were hiding by doing that?"

"OK, if I confess to you that I am gay, then what?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing? Really? You are not going to blackmail me, demand money, keep me in poverty the rest of my life by hiding my shameful secret?"

"Paul, seriously, it's the 21st century, does anyone really care anymore?"

"Yeah well I bet there are at least four people downstairs who do care: Mom, Dad, and the two grandma's."

"Pauly boy, seriously, I am not going to `out' you, you are going to do that all by yourself, when the time is right. In the meantime, you do not have to worry about me running my mouth about you. I promise I am not even going to hook you up with dates."

"Oh my god you are crazy. Dates? Seriously?"

"Well you know, my English professor at American River College is a dish, just saying..."

"Stop."

Mom called us down to dinner, and the entire family stood around the giant table, as Grandpa Campbell gave the blessing, which went on forever. At the end, I was secretly intoning "and thank you for David, and thank you for having David phone me, and thank you for the opportunity of boning with David in a month, oh whoops."

Dinner was a joy, a huge raucous din which an hour ago had made me nuts, but was now very enjoyable. I could see why those gay movies always portrayed the gay couple coming out to their families at Thanksgiving. But nah, it would not happen to me. I was stuffed beyond comprehension, and found a quiet corner in the family room to watch TV, as the rest of the family milled around waiting for dessert.

Mom and the two Grandmas had decided on a southwestern theme for this Thanksgiving; they tried something new every year. I thought they were kind of cool, even though Dad and his brothers would complain about it under their breath. So, the dessert had pumpkin cheesecake with pumpkin seeds roasted and sprinkled on top, a black cherry cobbler with pomegranate and mild roasted green chili sprinkle on top of it, and tons of whipped cream to go over everything. It was pretty amazing; especially after thinking about the two years I had spent in Japan having fish, or something like it, on this day.

I began counting the days in my head until David arrived. If he flew into the Sacramento airport on the day after Christmas, I could go pick him up and we could spend part of the day at least out of the scrutiny of my family, and get home before dark and have dinner with them, and then maybe go up in the hill country to the little herder's shack at the far end of the farm. It was about an hour away, and we would have to take the old Jeep to get there, as there were no paved roads to the shack.

I suddenly realized I was pretty warm, and sitting in the family room after having a huge Thanksgiving dinner, with a growing erection in my pants, was not a bright idea at all. I got up and went outside, and went for a long walk.

Was I crazy for feeling this way about a man whom I had only known for a few months, did not really know well after all, and who fulfilled all of my fantasies but who may not have the same feelings about me? And, what right did I have to assume that David had any feelings for me? Maybe he was just coming to California for the holidays to get away from something else he did not want to share with me, maybe he was just escaping something or someone in Utah, after all how would I know?

We could use the four-wheelers, we could use the dirt bikes, we could spend a day running up to the shack and have a picnic, boy my mind was racing with jumbled thoughts about here and today and then and him coming and what then? Really, Paul, what then? What do you expect, after all? This guy, who is a student at Brigham Young University, the freaking home of all things Holy and heterosexual and Mormon, and you go there to get married, for God's sake, Paul this guy, who jacked off with you a few times, and kissed you a few times, what are you expecting? A temple wedding? In white tuxedos?

Get a grip.

I wanted to run home and grab the phone and call him and scream "Don't come." I could not stand the chance of seeing him again, after all these months of agonizing over him, fantasizing about him, and then have him reject me. I could not live if that happened. Boy I needed to grow up fast.

So I walked about an hour, and realized I was way too far away from home for this time of night on Thanksgiving night, and there needed to be a pretty good explanation when I got home, Dad would just look at me as if I was in one of my moods, and Mom would try to hover over me and find out what was wrong. I was about four miles from home, and it would take me a good hour to get back.

I sat down. For the first time since leaving Japan, I realized, the rules are over. The missionary rules, the getting up every day at 6 AM and studying the scriptures, the door-to-door contacting every day, the weekly reports, the companions who drove me crazy, it is all over. I do not have to do that anymore.

And why did I do it? For Mom? For Dad? For great-great-something-or-other-Grandpa Wilford? Or for me? And if it was for me, what did I get out of it? Didn't I grow? A little at least? Well, Hell yeah, I grew. I grew a stiff cock in the hand of another man. Wait, that was not very missionary-like, oh yeah, but it happened, and when exactly did I stop and say "Paul you are a bad boy, why did you do that?" Never. And I am not going to do that.

Soshite, ne, and then, what's next? Well here is what is true: I am alive, I have a great family, they will probably not kill me for being gay, but there is no real need to tell them about that just yet, I still need to get through college and find a career, and I need to just try to be calm and wait for David to get here and try to not make him crazy when he is here, with my expectations and moods and desires and fantasies, and maybe it will all be OK. Maybe. Take a deep breath, maybe then it will be OK. I had to talk to Emily and Scott, my little brother.

When I got back, it was nearly 10 PM, and Mom was worried of course, she said most of the family had left and I missed saying goodbye to them, but of course I could see them anytime except Aunt Zoe who was going back to southern California tonight with her two kids, the bookend twins. Was I alright? What's the matter? Mom meant well, she just loved to hover. I found Scott and Emily and dragged them to my room.

"Scott, Emily already knows this, but I am gay."

"Uh, Paul, old buddy, you are too late."

"Why, did Emily already tell you?"

"Nope, you told me; a long time ago."

"No I did not, when did that happen?"

"Pauly, you are my brother, and I am not stupid, and I have watched you as my role model, hero, whatever, for a long time, and about the day after I hit puberty I realized you are gay. I just never said anything to you, because it was not a big deal to me, and by the way, I am not."

"Not what?"

"Gay."

"Oh. I get it. So the big gay brother is just a little naïve?"

"Yes" they said together.

"And because you are so naïve, we please want you to be really careful in dating..." Emily was always direct. "Especially this Dave guy that is coming to visit."

"Dave who?" Scott asked.

"A missionary companion, from Utah, blonde, you know the profile."

"Really, you two, can't I get a word in, it's my profile after all?" I complained.

They died laughing. Mom called up the stairs and asked what was going on this late at night, and Scott yelled back to say `nothing', and we three just sat on the bed laughing, until I asked Scott, "Seriously, you are OK?"

"Of course, bro, how many gay guys do you think there are in the world, and by the way about ten percent of the population, and how many gay guys do you think hit on me in school, all of them, and really, Pauly, how long did you think you could hide it?"

"Forever."

"When did you realize it?"

"About a million years ago, or maybe Cub Scouts, whatever, but yeah, it really hit me hard in Japan. This companion..."

"Don't tell us." Emily made a face.

"Dave?" Scott suddenly lightened up.

"Yeah." I smiled.

"Wow." They both smiled at me.

"Must be a special guy?"

"So far, so good."

Scott stood up, took my hand and pulled me up, hugged me tight, and said, "Look man, you are my hero, not because you are just my brother, but because you have always tried to do the right things, and because you have always been really honest in your life, even when it hurt. I know this is going to be tough, but we have your back. And if Dave needs his ass kicked, believe me; I already know I will have to stand in line behind Em."

"I am really worried about Mom and Dad."

"Paul, when the time comes, it will be OK. I promise." Scott was suddenly very serious, and looked directly into my eyes. He hugged me again. Emily joined us, and then they left and I went to bed.

I watched out the big windows of the Sacramento airport as the Southwest Airlines plane landed from Phoenix; what a lousy trip, I thought, to go from Salt Lake City to Phoenix to Sacramento. Better be a great prize at the end of that flight! Oh yeah! The prize was me! I could not wait for him to get off and find his luggage, so we could get started.

On what, Paul? Started on what? Remember, you may have this great big vacation built up in your mind, and maybe he has no such plans, so just be calm and see what is going to unfold. He was standing in the luggage area, looking bewildered as I walked in, and he finally recognized me.

"Wow, in civilian clothes, I did not recognize you!"

"I would pick you out of a crowd in New York City."

"Really?"

"Yes David, really."

We hugged, slightly; that public display of affection thing was still tough for me. He just stared at me; I looked back, tripping over how good he looked. He was a tiny bit chubbier than in Japan, I guess the food here was better for him, or whatever. He looked great. He could not stop smiling.

"What's first?" he asked.

"Well, lunch I guess, wherever you want, and then a quick tour of the hometown, and finally up to the ranch house, after we get a passing view of the farms."

"Farms? Plural?"

"Well, yeah, there are really three farms, one is all rice, about four thousand acres, pretty boring, all you can see from the road is the field, and then there is the fruit operation, peaches and lemons and walnuts, and then the row crops, this year they are actually putting in alfalfa hay, and starting a beef operation. Dad has wanted to do that for years, and Grandpa finally agreed to it this year."

"Wow."

"You keep using my word."

We had reached the car with his luggage, and after I threw it all in the hatchback, David grabbed me from behind and turned me around and planted a huge kiss on my face. My lips found his, we embraced, and suddenly I did not care where we were, we could be on the middle lane of the Golden Gate Bridge for all I cared, I was kissing the man of my dreams and it was all I wanted right then.

"Hi."

"Hey beautiful."

"Welcome back."

"Sorry I ever left."

We got in the car, and after negotiating the traffic out of the airport and heading back toward downtown, David sought my hand and held it. I looked at him and smiled.

We ate lunch at the grungy little place on the pier along the American River where it joins the Sacramento River, just north of downtown and the capitol building, and had a great time in the sunshine; I could not stop staring at him. I wanted to do nothing else except kiss him.

"What's the plan?" he asked me as we finished lunch.

"Well that is mainly up to you, but let me give you a list of options. Lake Tahoe is a drive up to the mountains, kinda far, but it is worth it if you have never been before. Same with San Francisco, not as far as Tahoe but fun anyway, both would be overnight trips. There are a few fun things to do here in town, and then there is the little shepherd shack on the ranch up at the far end of the canyon on the upper end of the farm, we could take the four-wheelers up there for a picnic. We could rent boats and go down the river, we could rent kayaks and go up the American River to the falls, or we could spend a day trip going to Napa and Sonoma. Whatever you want."

"You sound like a tour guide."

"Well, I am not a very good one, because I left off a few important details."

"Like what?"

"Well, first the hotel arrangements. Where did you want to stay?"

David suddenly looked very confused. "I did not make any reservations..." he started to say, until I burst out laughing.

"David, you are staying at my house with my family, I just want to know how you feel about where you might end up sleeping?"

"Am I going to be sleeping?" He looked deep into my eyes. I blushed. Deep red.

"Aha!" he said.

"OK, I see. Well smart guy, do you want to talk about that?"

"Sure", he said, and not saying another word, pulled me into an embrace and kissed me. "Wakarimasu ka?" Understand?

"Yes sir." And I began to kiss him back, intensely. I had sudden amnesia about my public display of affection problem. We did not notice the waiter standing waiting to give us the check. When I did, I just handed him a twenty and waved him away. We got up and left without a backward glance.

"So," I gasped between kisses, "about the beds..."

"We will make it work" David said.

"But, my mother..."

"She cannot sleep with us."

"Funny guy. I think if she did, all of her hair might fall out. So, by `sleep with us' you mean..."

"I mean, I have been dreaming about getting you into bed since a certain blizzard in Japan last winter."

"OK", I whispered.

Mom was thrilled to meet David; she had just finished some project in the kitchen and was wiping her hands on her apron, when we arrived. It was nearly supper time, and she said that Dad and Grandpa would not be back for at least two more hours, they had gone to Modesto to look at cattle to buy, and Emily and Scott were coming by for dinner in a few minutes but had school projects to attend later in the evening. She asked David all kinds of questions about his family, his college work, his career aspirations, his home in Utah, and his girlfriend. I nearly choked on that one.

"Well, she is kinda short, a little too short for me, brown hair, brown eyes, big beautiful eyes, and always loves the winters in Utah. Kinda amazing, she seems like the only one who does."

I was staring at David, until I realized my mouth was hanging open. I could not believe he would openly talk about some girl in front of me.

"What's her name?" my mother asked.

"Cindy."

I suddenly hated every Cindy I had ever known.

"She is very sweet, we love going outdoors together, especially hiking."

"That's nice, is she a Utah girl?"

"Oh yes ma'am. Born and raised."

"Nice family, I assume?"

"The best."

I wanted to kill Cindy. Now. In the kitchen, with a dull steak knife.

"Well, you boys go get settled in, dinner will be in about twenty minutes. David, welcome to California, we hope you love it here."

"Thank you Sister Campbell, so far it is just great."

Upstairs, I closed the bedroom door softly, and cleared my throat. "Cindy?"

David started laughing, and when he could not stop, had to sit down on the bed. "Oh yeah, you should see those big brown eyes. Best Labrador in the state of Utah."

"I should kill you."

He could not stop laughing. He finally stood up and grabbed me, and pulled me into an embrace that knocked us down onto the bed, where we just held onto each other for a minute. We were interrupted by Scott.

"Whoa, guys, get a room!"

"Uhm, Scott, this is a room, and its mine!"

David jumped up, embarrassed, and just stood there staring at Scott, who stuck out his hand and grabbed David and pulled him into a hug. "Thank you for caring about this ugly lug, he thinks he is all that, but let me tell you..."

"I am David."

"Yeah, I know, Mom sent me to tell you guys dinner is ready. And keep it down, OK? She does not know. Yet."

"Wha...?" David was choking.

"David, please let me explain. While my naïve but wonderful older brother may have thought his big secret was well hidden, the whole world knew he was gay. Except Mom and Dad. And him, kinda. But anyway, I am so glad you are here, and you are always welcome here, and we are going to have fun. Get ready for dinner." And just like Tigger, he bounced out of the room.

David whirled around to stare at me. "Explain?"

"Well, it's just like Scott said, on Thanksgiving I was moping around all day, and then after you called me, my attitude changed, my mood changed, and my two sibs picked up on it, and we talked late that night, and I told them I am gay, and I told them about you. So, I guess I owe you an apology, if you did not want them to know. I am sorry, David."

"No, I guess it's OK, I am just not sure how gay I am, but I guess to your brother and sister I am totally gay? What about your parents?"

"Nope, that's safe, no problem, nothing to worry about."

"OK, maybe I can breathe now."

"Me too." I started to say `I love you' but realized even though I wanted to say that, I had better hold that thought in for a while. This was all happening so fast.

Dinner was quiet, as much as can be considered quiet with Scott and Emily around, but Dad and Grandpa came home in the middle of it and we had to introduce David. They washed up and sat down with us, and it got a lot more noisy after that, with Scott and Emily competing for attention as usual. I love them like crazy, but sometimes I just have to sit back and laugh at them.

Scott had a basketball game at the high school after dinner, so David and I volunteered to drive him; he looked a little peevish, but relented. Emily had a dance rehearsal, we offered to drop her off, but she merely sneered in our general direction as she waved us away and waltzed out the front door. Mom told us to not be late, drive carefully, and her other usual warnings, but Scott just laughed, and as we got in the car, he said to me "You owe me Bro."

"For what?"

"Giving you an escape clause."

"Really? And what about all those times I caught you with that girl in your room, and what about all those times I caught you with those magazines, and what about..."

"OK, OK, you win, but next time..."

David just laughed. This was going to be fun.

After we dropped Scott off at the high school gym for the basketball game, David said he wanted to talk, so we drove to the park across the street. I was a little worried because I had never had a relationship, and had no idea how to go about having one. This was all new to me, especially the sex part. Well anyway, I had watched sex, but I had never actually had sex. It turned out, David wanted to talk about all of those things.

"I don't think I am ready."

"For what?"

"A boyfriend, a relationship, whatever we are supposed to call this."

"I have no idea what to call this, I have never done this before, I have never had a boyfriend, or a girlfriend, so I have no idea what to do."

"OK, so then we are even. So what do we do first?"

"Well, first," David adjusted in the car seat so he could face me directly, "please let me say, if I am gay, and I am not completely sure I am, then I want a husband just like you."

"That's reassuring."

"What do you mean; are you angry?"

"Not angry, just unsteady, unclear, so what do you mean?"

"Paul, I have just come out of the closet to a total of three people in the whole world, you, your brother, and sort of your sister. I have no intention to come out to anyone else, for a while at least. And you know the pressure we are under, returned missionaries, the first rule is get married and start popping out babies. Especially in the Utah culture. So it's kinda hard for me, you know?"

"David, I understand, I have the same pressures, my parents have been very patient with me, and I now have an excuse of going to school next month, so that's convenient for me, but sooner or later someone is going to say something about why I have not married, and so forth, so yeah, I get it. And all I want is you."

"Uhm, Paul?"

"What?" There was a hard edge to my voice.

"All you want is me?"

"Yes. Yes damn it, all I want is you."

"Wow."

"You keep using my word."

We both laughed. He held me, he took my hands, and he looked at me hard into my eyes for a long moment.

"Paul Campbell; Wilford; if ever there was a man who I could fall in love with, it is you. Not today. Give it time. Give `us' time. Please. I am asking you to trust me. I am asking you to have a little faith in me. I cannot give you today what you want, but maybe, I don't know when yet, but maybe sooner than you think, maybe I can give you what you want."

"David, what do you want?"

"Wow."

"There you go again. I have that word copyrighted."

"Paul, I cannot answer that yet. I think I know, but please give me some time. I promise you, I will never break your heart. But I am not sure yet. You seem to know exactly what you want, I don't. I'm sorry. I am new at this gay thing. I have no idea how to be gay. I love being with you, I love the way you make me feel, I have never felt this way in my whole life, either with a girl and certainly with no guys, ever, but it's not just because you make me horny, but you make me feel real, you make me feel alive, you make me feel safe, you make me feel trusted and oh my god what else is there, I love being with you, I just need to figure out what the whole "Life" thing is before I plunge off the deep end of the pool into the gay part."

"I make you horny?"

"All the time. I think about you and I get hard."

"Wow."

"Yeah, wow, here, see?" He moved my hand to his crotch; he was very hard. I wanted to sink my lips over it, but, the public thing again.

I kissed him. Softly. A new lover's kiss, faint, a caress, a shy kiss. He returned it, in kind, softly. "Let's take a walk" he said. We got out of the car, and walked down a trail in the park, finding a small creek and following it until it was nearly dark. We held each other in the trees, just breathing, just feeling, just acknowledging there was something growing, something evolving, something new and wonderful and unknown and unknowable and unnamed and beautiful.

"I want to say `I love you'," I told him quietly.

"I know, me too, but let's save that for another day. It is something special, let's not waste it. Some people say it too soon, too cheaply."

"What makes people last? What makes relationships go on forever?"

"Do you mean the temple thing, like `forever', or do you mean like your grandparents, stuff like that?"

"Like my grandparents. They have been married forever, I have never heard a cross or angry word between them, and yet I know they are just humans like you and me, and there must have been at least one night when he thought about running away, there must have been at least one time she thought about stabbing him in the heart with an ice pick in his sleep?"

"I really can't say. My parents are divorced."

"Wow. You never told me that."

"It's OK, I get to see both of them, I live with my Dad and his new wife, we all get along great, and my two sisters live with my Mom across town. It works out somehow."

"I want to know what will make us work out?"

"Paul, please. Be patient. Give us both the gift of time. You deserve it and so do I."

"I understand."

"And Cindy?"

"Hahahahahaha, she lives with me!"

"Bitch!"

"Don't be jealous, she does not sleep with me."

"Speaking of sleep, what are we going to do?"

"Well, I want to sleep with you, and I am afraid that if we do that we are going to end up fucking each other's brains out, so maybe..."

"David, what if we sleep together, it will be just like that night in the blizzard when we kept each other alive, and then while you are here, we will see how it works out?"

"OK. But see what you do to me? How do you think it's going to work out?" And he pressed my hand against his very hard crotch.