Disclaimer: The following is a work of fiction. It contains detailed depictions of male/male consensual sex. If you are averse to this or anything homosexual, please go elsewhere.
Author's Note: This is the eleventh (and penultimate) chapter in Book 1 of a novel length work. Let me know at my new address: rjcutter57@yahoo.com. This is the only feedback I get, so take a few minutes out of your extremely busy schedules and make your opinions known.
Thanks,
Bob Cutter
WINE COUNTRY
Copyright 2000 by Robert J. Cutter - All Rights Reserved
The author retains all rights to this story. It is not permissible to distribute it to any newsgroups and/or other web sites without the express written consent and permission of the author.
For My Brian
Chapter 11 - Other Demands
Two used condoms lay on a tray next to the nightstand; the tray also held the remains of two destroyed boxes of Mallomars and six empty Coke cans. The latest in a series of severe winter rainstorms was pelting the window with sheets of driving rain. The bedroom seemed to be in a surrealist mist - created by the cold, gray afternoon light seeping around the blinds.
Jevin and Brandon were huddled in the bed. They were almost completely buried under the blankets - only the tops of their heads showed through.
It had been a marvelous day for both men, one of extreme fulfillment and ultimate pleasure.
Brandon slowly opened his eyes and was surprised by the gloom overhanging the room. It seemed to be seeping into his bones. This feeling of gloom did not last long in his mind; he quickly noticed Jevin curled up next to him. This brightened his whole attitude. He thought back to the preceding events that occurred in this warm, comfortable bed. It sent a welcome glow through his body and he felt his cock begin to fatten. He reached over and put his hand on Jevin's shoulder.
When he thought back to the earlier, wonderful lovemaking, he honestly did not know if he liked it more when he made love to Jevin or when Jevin had made love to him. He had never been with a partner where the two separate acts were so close in desire and ultimate fulfillment. He slowly continued to rub Jevin's shoulder and the back of his neck. He was so incredibly "taken" with this young stud. "Maybe Jevin's also being an amputee made him so much more accepting of my legless condition," he reflected. "Nobody I've ever been with - in an intimate way - has been so totally understanding and thoughtful. Nobody has ever been so loving and so tolerant of this handicap of mine."
"Handicap!" Brandon repeated to himself. "Some handicap! I've got no friggin' legs. No legs. I'm a cripple! That's exactly what I am. 'Cripple' is the operative word. I should be used to it by now, shouldn't I? Sixteen years...? It's been sixteen years since your legs were cut off, Brandon. Haven't you adjusted to it yet? Haven't you adjusted to the taunts...the jibes...the humiliations...the feels of being left out and shunted to the side? Haven't you accepted the lack of love from your own parents...all these years of no overt feeling from them...or support from them?" He felt tears beginning to build up in his eyes. "Thanks God for my brothers and sister. They got me through it all."
He looked over at the sleeping Jevin again. "And now...now...possibly...just possibly...there's something real...someone real...in my life. He is so good to me...and for me. I've never felt this content...this totally accepting and accepted...in...in...I can't ever remember being this happy before." He continued to soothingly stroke his sleeping partner.
The gentle touch of Brandon's hand on his shoulder and neck made Jevin pulse with pleasure. He had woken up just minutes before as Brandon had begun to stroke him softly and amorously. What a marvelous day they had shared together. The warmth...the friendship...the love. Jevin was extremely pleased to have met Brandon - a fellow amputee, a fellow student and a fellow gay man. They shared so many things in common and seemed so compatible.
"Are you going to do anything else beside pet my neck?" Jevin asked in a low voice without even turning around.
"Oh, Christ, Jevin! You gave me a start." Jevin turned over and faced Brandon.
"I've got something else you can pet, you know?"
Jevin leaned in and they kissed deeply. "I was just thinking...about a lot of things." Brandon kissed Jevin again with unexpected fervor that startled Jevin. "Jev, I'm so happy to be with you...so incredibly happy...having you with me...you have no idea."
"Well, maybe it's as much as I want you to be here with me." They kissed again. "Before we go any further, want me to carry you to the bathroom?"
Brandon blushed and lowered his eyes. He felt embarrassed having his lover carry him so that he could take a piss and a shit. He nodded. "I guess so."
Jevin put his arm stump under Brandon's chin and lifted his head. He kissed his loving man again. "Bran, there is nothing...truly nothing...to be upset about. You're my friend...my very good friend...and my lover...and I'm here for you. For anything you may need...for anything you may want...for anything...period."
Brandon reached out and put his arms around Jevin and hugged him closely. The two men kissed once more before Jevin lifted him.
He was finally on the road again. Jack's sudden attack of remorse had scared him - scared him more than he wanted to admit. What could have brought it on? Since he was heading for Santa Rosa, and the Mayfair Grille, he immediately assumed that it was thoughts of Jevin - and what they had done last weekend - that had precipitated the problem. He was convinced, however, that he had done the right thing with Jevin - right for Jevin and right for himself. Nothing could persuade him otherwise. He would not agree to shackle a vibrant young man like Jevin to an old worn out man like him.
Jevin was rubbing Brandon's stumps. He slowly manipulated the fleshy ends of the legs with his one hand and arm stump. Brandon had his eyes closed and was delighting in the incredibly warm and luxurious feeling that Jevin was giving to his body. He relished the way his entire being tingled at the touch of this incredibly sexy young man. Nobody had ever treated his legs so tenderly or given them this kind of loving attention. The sexual nature of these stumps was absolutely exquisite - something Brandon had only heard about but never before experienced. Experienced with this marvelous, loving and deeply caring individual.
The only regret that Brandon had was that his cock was not anywhere near as large as Jevin's. He estimated Jevin's beauty to be about between seven and eight inches, and it filled him to absolute capacity - more than he had ever been filled before. Jevin's cock had given him such an amazing feeling. It was something he absolutely adored! His own 5-1/2 inches (well, maybe a little less) seemed inadequate for a man of such generous stature and proportions of Jevin. This was not the first time he had felt twinges of inadequacy about the size of his cock. But this time it really bothered him. It bothered him that he could not return in kind what Jevin had given him. He wanted Jevin to have the very best and the most of everything. The whole physical act of making love with Jevin had been so totally awesome.
He opened his eyes slowly and watched as Jevin continued to work on his legs. It felt so heavenly and looked so erotic - this incredibly handsome, beautiful guy administering to his needs and his wants.
"Jev, this feels so wonderful. You're doing such a fabulous job."
He looked at Brandon's smiling face and was filled with warmth and desire. He gave Brandon a huge smile in return. "Thanks. I love what I'm doing...and I love the person I'm doing it with." Brandon tried to smile again but he knew it did not come out exactly as he had wanted it. "Is something wrong, Bran?"
"Nothing, Jev," Brandon said while shaking his head. But it did not sound terribly convincing. After Jevin kissed and licked and sucked both of Brandon's stumps, he moved to hold and cuddle his partner again. He noticed that Brandon seemed to have tears in his eyes.
"Something's bothering you, Bran; I know it. So out with it."
Brandon shook his head again. "Nothing, Jev. Nothing...please believe me."
"Okay, I believe you." They held each other closely and kissed. Brandon let his hands move over Jevin smooth body; it felt so incredibly comforting. Jevin ran his arm stump through Brandon's hair and down his back to his glorious ass mounds.
Jevin was still convinced that something was definitely bothering Brandon, but he could not imagine what it was. The sex they had together was excellent...really excellent. Brandon had been a very caring, a very considerate and very loving partner. Jevin had found everything they had done and shared together totally irresistible. He could not be happier and could not figure out what was bothering Brandon. He soothingly rubbed Brandon's back and could feel a slight tremor in his body. However, he decided not to say anything - not to press the matter; let Brandon take things at his own pace. If something were bothering him, he would surely open up and tell him his thoughts.
Brandon buried his face in Jevin's neck. He kissed and licked that marvelous skin. He took a deep breath. "Jev?" he said quietly.
"Yes, Brandon. I'm here for you."
"Jev...uh...you didn't mind...you know...uh...mind the size of...of my dick, did you?"
"What about the size of your dick?"
"You know, it's...it's so average...so, well, less than average."
"Is it? Honestly, I really hadn't noticed, Bran." Jevin turned and smiled at his handsome bedmate. Brandon struggled to return the smile. Jevin tenderly stroked his partners beautiful cheek. "Honest, Brandon, you must believe me. I really do not pay attention to the size of a dude's cock. I really don't. You may find that strange. But it doesn't matter to me. It's only one part of a greater whole. I pay attention to the guy. And you are so...so desirable and beautiful...beautiful and loving."
"Really?"
"Really! I adore everything about you. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with your dick! Understand?"
"Guys have always been telling me and teasing me about the size of my dick - and, of course, my legs...my lack of them." Brandon managed a small, cynical smile. "And I've become very self-conscious of it all. And every time I meet someone new...or am with someone new...it weighs on my mind and interferes with my enjoyment...of the sex."
"Did it interfere today?"
"Uh, not really. No it really didn't."
"Did you feel great fucking me?"
"Yeah, I felt great! Really great!" Brandon smiled
"See? It doesn't matter...when you're with the right person."
"I know that now."
Throwing his arms around Jevin, Brandon hugged him closely to his body again burying his face in Jevin's neck. They held each other, and rocked each other slowly and comfortingly. Jevin knew he was incredibly drawn to this wonderful guy. He had never felt such complete comfort with another partner. True, he had not had many in his life, but enough to realize the warmth and comfort that Brandon exuded.
He slowly reached his arm stump until it lightly began to rub the head of Brandon's now full erect penis. Brandon was right, of course - his dick was not large. In fact for such a beautiful stud, his cock was rather small, thin and nondescript. Not that Jevin's experience was that far ranging, but he knew that Brandon was not particularly well endowed in the equipment department. Especially when compared to the thick, pale monster that Jack sported and supported.
"Fuck! Stop it! Christ! Here I go again! I've started doing it again! I'm comparing Brandon to Jack! And I just told Brandon that I didn't matter and that I did not make comparisons. Shit! Why can't I just be satisfied with what I have now? I cannot have Jack constantly creeping into my thoughts this way. Yes, it was a marvelous weekend, and yes, he taught me so many things. But he didn't want anything more to do with me once we were apart. Doesn't that say something very definitive about the man's personality? And his shitty outlook on life?"
Jevin looked at Brandon's face. He was so incredibly attractive and so terribly willing and eager. He had his eyes closed and had his face directly in line with Jevin's. His lips were slightly pursed and inviting. Jevin kissed those waiting lips while continuing to stroke his penis. Brandon was becoming very hot again. He was making small noises and breathing very deeply.
He moved his lips slowly over Brandon's neck and licked his Adam's apple and sucked on the strong cords there. He tasted marvelous all over again, with the perspiration from their prior sex mixing with the cologne he wore and the soap he used. The taste was totally to Jevin's liking and appetite. Delightful! Bracing! Totally awesome!
He lowered his head until it was level with Brandon's fully erect nipples. He very lightly licked both nipples, going from one to the other, gently putting the flat of his tongue over each one and drawing his tongue upward. Brandon squirmed and wiggled his body delightfully - delightfully to Jevin. He was so amazed that he could elicit such wonderful responses from his new and so willing partner.
Brandon was ecstatic that he was here with this marvelous man. Even though Jevin was almost ten years younger he was certainly a man. A man in every sense of the word. He delighted in having his body at the disposal of this beautiful individual - this man who knew how to satisfy, how to make sexual enjoyment a fine art.
After thoroughly wetting Brandon's chest and underarms (what great tasting this guy had) Jevin turned his attention to the guy's crotch. He sucked Brandon's beauty...this wonderful uncut dick. It felt so great - the foreskin was unbelievably soft and Jevin loved every square millimeter of it. He had never been with a guy who was uncircumcised and he adored the feeling of Brandon's cock. While sucking on this dick and manipulating Brandon's balls, Jevin reached with his right arm and began to maul those stumps that he found so remarkably sexy.
"Do you really like 'em, Jev? My stumps, I mean." Brandon asked between gasps, with a tear and a catch in his voice.
Jevin came off of Brandon's dick. "I love 'em, Bran. Absolutely adore them."
"I only ask because for so many guys...guys I've been with...you know, they're such a turn off."
"Never a turn off, Bran. However, on the other hand, they are quite a turn-ON!" He held up his arm stump. "Of course, I don't have another hand!" They both laughed quietly.
Brandon took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "Most would only have sex with me in the dark...so they wouldn't have to see them...or me...at all. Then they'd leave. They'd only wanted to have the...the experience...the notch in their belts...of having sex with an amp."
"Brandon, I'm not like that. I'm an amp too. Remember?"
"Yeah, I do. But your amputation is much easier to hide than mine. I mean, you could stick your hand in your pocket and..."
Jevin was becoming a little annoyed at the direction of the conversation. "Are we going to fight about this? Whose amputation is worse? Brandon, let's be realistic. C'mon."
Brandon knew that he was acting selfishly and rather stupidly. Here he was in bed with a guy who did not care about his physical condition and he was behaving like a stubborn child. God! The guy actually liked his body. It bothered him that he doing this to Jevin but he could not help himself. All the years of rejection and frustration - all the years of playing the happy, well adjusted gimp while dying slowly on the inside - were coming back to him in a rush.
"I'm sorry, Jev. Real sorry. But everything...everything's happening so fast. Meeting you...finding you...and now loving you. I know I can be a bit bitchy at times. Years of rejection, I suppose. Years of trying and trying..."
"We're in the same situation, Bran." Jevin held up his arm stump. "Don't you know by now that this has done the same for me? Not many people like limb stumps. I'm one...you're another. We're made for each other."
After giving Brandon a big smile, Jevin returned to his previous business. After the most exquisite mouthing of his cock he could ever remember, Brandon came with a tremendous rush. He screamed and he bounced his body all over the bed. Jevin had great difficulty keeping Brandon in his mouth, but he managed to get everything out of that luscious dick, getting every last drop of his lover's essence into his mouth.
Jevin began to notice that Brandon was beginning to hyperventilate. Suddenly he yelled out. "Jevin. Jevin! Hold me! Hold me and tell me everything's going to be all right. Just hold me and tell me that everything's going to be good...going to be good for both of us."
For Jack Turner it was a murky, haze enshrouded Saturday night. The weather was overcast, damp and foggy, with intermittent heavy rains; his brain also seemed to be in a dense miasma. He found he could not think clearly; it was like his brain was stuffed with fiberglass insulation. The panic attack he experienced while driving to Santa Rosa was the only the first sign of potential problems ahead.
After driving into the parking lot of the Mayfair Grille, Jack sat in his pickup for about ten minutes. He was thinking about nothing in particular. He watched how his breath was condensing on the windshield. Suddenly he began to cry again. Large, abundant tears started rolling down his cheeks and he sobbed uncontrollably. He fought hard to bring himself in check. The last thing he needed was to walk in looking like a slobbering wreck. Everyone would notice.
When he finally walked in, the place was incredibly noisy and packed - wall-to-wall people. Jack settled himself on an empty stool at the end of the bar. Tommy, who was tending bar tonight, was ready to serve Jack his usual when Jack interrupted him and ordered a double martini straight up.
"Bad night, Jack?" Tommy asked when he brought the drink.
Jack only nodded and fingered the glass. He took a long drink; it made him shudder slightly. He took another drink and pushed the empty glass toward Tommy.
Jevin and Brandon were walking back to the apartment; they had made a trip to an all night supermarket to get some food. It was late when they realized that they had skipped dinner; they had been so very busy that dinner was not among the high priority items. Yes, there was sex, and it was some great sex. But there was also a great amount of schoolwork and this took up most of the day.
"I still cannot get over how great you maneuver," Jevin commented. "I've seen you walking up and down the steps from my apartment, now walking to and from the supermarket, driving and lets not forget about dancing on the first night we met. Hey man, that was last night, wasn't it?"
"Yes, Jevin, it was only last night. And thanks for noticing how well I walk. I practice a lot so others won't notice."
"It's not so easy with my hand. Sooner or later everyone notices that it's plastic."
"Don't worry about it. I think it looks great, you use it very well, and if people notice that it's not real and don't happen to like it, then fuck 'em!" Both laughed.
As they neared the building Jevin noticed a man standing near the entrance. "Christ, can that be who I think it is?" As he got closer he could swear that it was...he was almost certain it was Jack. "Holy God! It's Jack!"
"Play it very cool, kid," Jevin told himself. "Don't get too excited or anxious because that asshole will only shit on you again!" But he could not get over the excitement he found coursing through every cell of his body.
Jack was standing as if in a trance looking straight ahead of him. Jevin turned to Brandon and whispered, "Play it cool. This is the guy from last weekend. Follow my lead. Okay?"
Brandon nodded and gave Jevin a small smile.
Jevin walked right up to Jack until he was about a foot in front of him. "Jack?" he asked.
The older man was snapped out of his reverie. "Oh, hello Jevin," he said in a small, meek, almost contrite voice. "I hope you don't mind. I was waiting for you."
"Jack, what the hell are you doing here?" Jevin was speaking with more than a small touch of venom in his voice. "I'm very surprised to see you, to say the least."
He only nodded his head. "I know. I'm surprised to be here myself."
Jevin noticed how unsteady Jack seemed to be. "Jack, have you been drinking?"
"I may have...have had a few, Jev. N-n-not too many. Nothing I can't handle."
"You know you can't tolerate much alcohol. It's not good for you."
"Don't worry about me, p-p-please!"
Jevin knew when it was time to back off. Also he was not interested in being a babysitter to this man. "Jack, this is my very good friend Brandon Taylor." Jevin made sure he put the emphasis on the word 'very'. "Brandon, this is Jack Turner."
"Ah," Brandon said softly. Jack ignored Brandon.
"Do you want to come upstairs, Jack?" Jevin asked.
He nodded. "If you don't mind, Jevin."
"I don't mind." He looked meaningfully at Brandon. "However, I don't know how Brandon will feel about it." Jevin unlocked the front door and held it opened. They all walked up the one flight to the apartment. When Jevin opened the door, Jack suddenly hesitated. He took a deep breath, closed his eyes and slowly walked in. Jevin noticed that Jack was not walking too steadily. "Was he drunk or did he just have a few drinks?" Jevin asked himself. "Haven't smelled anything excessive on his breath. Maybe the guy had a bad week. I know I had!"
Jack seated himself on the couch. Jevin and Brandon brought the groceries into the kitchen and started unpacking them. "Want something to eat, Jack?"
Jack just shook his head. Jevin took out a salami, bread, Swiss cheese and mustard and began making a sandwich. Brandon just took the Swiss cheese and prepared a sandwich. They brought their food into the living room. Jevin went into the bedroom and came back without his prosthesis. His shirtsleeves were pushed up and his arm stump exposed.
Brandon turned on the television. Jack sat motionless on the couch, staring intensely at Jevin. "Is there anything I can get you...or do for you, Jack?" Jevin asked.
Jack nodded. "You can talk to me," Jack responded in a very soft voice.
"Is there anything in particular you want me to say to you?" Jack nodded again but looked over at Brandon, who was eating and watching the television. "You can say anything you need to say in front of Brandon, Jack."
Jack just nodded again. "You can tell me how much you hate me and despise me and..." The rest of the words were lost in Jack's sudden and near hysterical crying.
Jevin made a conscious decision that he would not play the game; he would not be suckered into these shit-eating games of bickering, bitchy lovers. He would not comfort Jack, he would not physically touch him in any way and he would not challenge him on anything he might say; he would remain passive and aloof. He was over Jack Turner - finished with him, emotionally and physically - and, to his great surprise, had actually found someone new. He was amazed at how happy he was feeling, and what complete contentment he was experiencing. He certainly did not want to be suckered or drawn into renewing any kind of relationship with Jack Turner.
"I will be honest with you, Jack. I don't hate you and I don't despise you." Jack continued to cry; he did not cover his face but continued to sit upright on the couch, with his face looking straight ahead, He cried uncontrollably. "The only thing I feel is sorry for you; sorry for the shitty life you have chosen to lead and the truly awful and obnoxious way you lead it."
Jack began to cry even more intensely; Jevin began eating his sandwich and drinking his Coke. He turned to look at the television and began watching "The Pretender". This guy Michael T. Weiss was very cute and studly, and the show was at least a cut above the average TV fare. Jack continued to cry loudly and Brandon turned up the volume.
After five or six minutes of crying and sobbing, Jack finally quieted. Brandon lowered the sound and both young men looked at Jack. The guy was a mess - a total mess. "Do you want to clean up a bit, Jack?" Jevin asked.
"No, that's all right Jevin. I think I'll be going now."
"You're a real mess, Jack. Why don't you go into the bathroom and wash up; put some cold water on your face."
"I don't think so, Jevin. I know I've overstayed my welcome." Jack rose and walked to the door. "Good night, Jevin."
"Good night, Jack."
"Good night, Brandon, "Jack said with a catch in his throat.
"Good night, Jack," Brandon answered.
Jack made it to the front door of Jevin's building. He found that he had to lean against the wall for support otherwise he knew that he would fall over. He was feeling very weak and sick to the pit of his stomach. He started gulping for air and breathing very erratically. His forehead broke out into a heavy sweat. He felt very dizzy and knew he was going to faint soon. He began to feverishly press the buzzer for Jevin's apartment.
As Jack's eyes came into focus he noticed Jevin sitting next to him. He lifted his head slightly and felt the wetness of the cloth on his forehead. Jevin was sitting on the coffee table holding his head in his hand and resting his arm stump on Jack's chest. Jack was stretched out on the couch in Jevin's living room.
"Thanks, Jev. Thanks for helping me," Jack said very weakly.
Jevin picked his head up immediately and looked at Jack. Jack moved one of his hands onto Jevin's arm stump and squeezed it lightly. He experienced great comfort and pleasure in being able to caress his friends arm stump once again. He gave Jevin a small, weak smile. Jevin managed a small smile back.
"How are you feeling, Jack?"
"Okay, I suppose. What happened?"
"You were furiously pressing the buzzer - in fact, all the buzzers. I came downstairs and found you in a heap on the floor at the entrance. A couple of the other residents, Brandon and I carried you up the stairs and I called 911. They told me what to do and I expect they'll be here in a few minutes. Can I get you anything?"
"No, Jev, this is fine...for now."
Jack looked around the room. This apartment felt so comfortable...so welcoming. His mind was flooded with the memories of that wonderful weekend here...last weekend. "This feels so right - Jevin, me, me holding Jevin's arm stump," he thought. "Just like the first night."
They both were quiet. The buzzer sounded. Jevin rose and let the EMS personnel in. They spent about ten minutes examining Jack and then spoke with Jevin, seeking some privacy in the bedroom. The lead paramedic said that Jack probably had had some kind of panic attack, but they could not rule out a heart attack or even possibly a stroke. He had a bump on his head and a very slight concussion. The medic recommended transporting Jack to the hospital for further test. Jevin informed the EMS people that he and Jack were not family and that he hardly knew the man. The decision to go to the hospital was entirely up to Jack and he would not say a thing about it.
"Jack, the EMS want to transport you to the hospital for observation. Is that okay with you?"
"Will you come with me Jevin? Will you keep me company? Saturday night in the local hospital is not something I look forward to."
"No, Jack that's not possible. I'm sorry. I...uh...must stay here tonight. I'm...I'm expecting a very important phone call tonight and I have to stay here to take it. Also, you may have noticed I have a guest staying with me," and he nodded towards Brandon.
"I see, Jev." Jack was very disappointed by Jevin's answer but he did not want to press the issue. "Yes, I think it's best that I go to the hospital."
The EMS people loaded Jack onto the gurney and took him down to the ambulance. Jevin accompanied them. He took Jack's hand and squeezed it before they loaded him into the vehicle. Jevin watched the ambulance until it was out of sight.
"So that was the guy from last weekend."
"Yeah, that was Jack. I have to be honest with you Brandon; we had a really wonderful weekend together."
"So you'd said." Brandon looked at Jevin and said quietly, "He's quite a hunk."
"Yeah. He is."
"How old is he?"
"In his 40s." Jevin put his arm around Brandon's shoulder. "I'm all over him, Bran. Completely! For a while there I really thought I'd connected with someone who could give me what I needed...and wanted...and I could make happy in return." Jevin sighed deeply. "But I guess it wasn't to be."
"Of course it wasn't to be; the fates had decided that you had to wait one more week...and then meet me!"
Brandon moved over closer to Jevin and snuggled against him. He brought his hands up to Jevin's face and held him while he kissed him strongly on the lips. Jevin smiled, a heart warming, soul-filling smile, but there was still a great deal of sadness there - in his eyes and on his lips. Brandon knew that he would need to work a little bit harder to begin to wean Jevin away from this imaginary picture in his mind of hunky Jack.
He reached for the buttons on Jevin shirt and started undoing them. He removed the shirt and again was struck by the incredible beauty of this guy. Brandon moved his hands over Jevin incredibly smooth chest, let them play with his superb nipples and pushed them into his warm armpits.
"I really should call Jack's nephew and let him know what happened," Jevin said as he stood up and walked over to the telephone. He got the answering machine and left the message that Jack was taken to Mercy Hospital in Santa Rosa at 11:15 PM and Nick should try to contact the hospital as soon as possible.
Jevin looked longingly at Brandon sitting on the sofa - so beautiful and so willing, and waiting for him. He moved slowly toward his lover and resumed his position. They kissed tenderly and then with great passion. Before the realization struck, they were off on another fiery lovemaking journey of exploration and fulfillment.
Nick and Will were on their way to Santa Rosa. Nick was upset because he was not at home to receive the call from Jevin. Will recognized Nick's state of mind and did not say anything until they were on the outskirts of the city.
"Nick, I know you're upset, but there's nothing to be gained in beating up on yourself. These things happen."
Nick shook his head vigorously. "I know, I know. But he's been like a father to me - better than a father. And I wasn't there when he needed me."
"I know you're speaking solely from emotion now and not logically. Were you supposed to follow him around? Come on, Nick. Think!"
"You're right, Will. I know you're right." Nick paused and looked out the window at the strip malls they were passing. "I also know that I need to look at my relationship with Uncle Jack a little more closely and dispassionately. He can sometimes be a difficult person to deal with. And recently he's been a real hard hearted son of a bitch." Nick paused and scratched his head. "Specially after what he did to that nice kid last week."
"What kid?"
"Jevin...the one who called and left the message." Nick proceed to tell Will a condensed version of the Jevin affair. Will just shook his head as Nick related what he knew of the weekend and its terrible aftermath.
"Yes, Nick. Sometimes the thought of age creeping up on us can make us do strange and unlikely things." He sighed heavily, and thoughtfully, knowing that when he reached thirty-five, he too began to have nagging thoughts of mortality. He brought his hand up to Nick's shoulder and gave it a gently squeeze.
They both fell silent again as Will steered the Rover into the hospital parking lot.
It was late and Jevin and Jen were speaking on the phone. He told her about the incident of Jack showing up at his apartment this evening. Jennifer was very understanding and totally sympathetic.
She reminded Jevin that he was young and not to take all these events too seriously. "People are that way. And Jack is an older man and much more set in his ways than we are, Jev. He didn't reject you as a person - he simply rejected you as a lover because he thinks he's too old for you. That's all it is - really!"
"I understand all that, Jen, but that does not lessen the hurt I'm feeling."
"I know you are hurting; in fact, I could hear it in your voice the minute you picked up the phone. But like other things we face, this problem will pass and fade to a barely remembered memory."
Then Jevin told her about Brandon. He told her about meeting him at the dance club, the great Friday night they had spent together and the fabulous time they had had today.
"I told you so! I knew you would meet up with a great person closer to your age and interests. This is great, Jev! Just really awesome!"
"Thanks, Jen. I didn't think I had it in me. I just went to this club, met this great guy, he asked me to dance and before I knew it we were in bed together."
Jevin described how great it has been with Brandon and how they have so much in common down to the fact that they are both amps. Jennifer squealed with delight that her brother had really connected with someone his own age (at least from the same generation) and told him to keep her informed of the events surrounding the budding relationship.
"Nick Turner?" Nick nodded. "Hi. I'm Dr. Krieger." They shook hands. "I've been called in to treat Jack Turner. I'm a neurologist. I believe he's your uncle?"
"Yes. Uh, Dr. Krieger, this is my friend, Will Kennedy. He drove me down here." Will and the doctor shook hands. "Please tell me what's wrong with Uncle Jack."
"Well, Mr. Turner, we're still doing tests. I know...I know that's what you're always expecting to hear doctors say, but it's true. And we don't have most of them back yet." Nick let out his breath and nodded. "In addition, we want to do a CAT scan, but the technician is not here right now. He's on his way in."
"A CAT scan?" Nick asked in an excited tone.
The doctor nodded. "Yes. There is some indication that your uncle may have suffered a small stroke or other neurological impairment."
"Whaaaat? A stoke?" The doctor nodded once again. "How? He's only forty-two!"
"Sorry, Mr. Turner, but it is not solely dependent on age."
Nick shook his head. "Anything else you can tell me?"
"Well, he'd been drinking and also it appears that he may have had a panic attack of some kind."
"A panic attack? Isn't that a...a psychological problem?"
"Yes, it could be. I could also be set off by certain physical problems. We won't know until all the testing is done."
"When will that be?"
"Probably by noon tomorrow."
"I see." Nick looked over at Will, then turned back to the doctor. "Can we see him?"
"Certainly. Room 409, down the hall on your right."
Nick and Will walked to Jack's room. Everything was very quiet. The nurse on duty lifted here head and smiled at the men as they passed. They smiled back. When they walked into Jack's room, everything was very quiet; the lights were on but very dimmed. Jack was the only patient in the double room. He was in bed, with his eyes opened. He was staring at the ceiling.
Nick sat down in a chair by the bed. Jack slowly turned his head and gave Nick a nod and a small smile. "Thanks for coming, Nicky. I really appreciate it."
"It's nothing, uncle. All I was planning on doing tonight was sleeping anyway."
"Who is this man with you?
"Uncle Jack, this is Will Kennedy. We met this afternoon. Rather, yesterday afternoon. Will, this is my uncle Jack Turner." Will walked up to the bed and smiled at Jack and grasped his extended hand.
"Nicky, how did you know I was here?"
"Jevin called and left a message on the machine."
"Ah, yes, Jevin, Jevin..." Jack turned his head away. "Good old Jevin," he said softly. Will and Nick looked at each other knowingly.
"How are you feeling, Jack?" Will asked.
Jack looked at Will and gave him a slight sneer. "Okay, I suppose." He turned to Nick. "Did the doctor say anything?"
Nick shook his head. "No, just that more tests are planned for later this morning. He gave us no indication of what it could be." Jack put his hand out and Nick grasped it. They looked at each other. "I'm sure everything is going to be fine, Uncle Jack. Just fine. You're in good health so it can't be anything serious." Nick smiled at him.
Jack turned his head away. He spoke in a very small voice. "I'm scared, Nicky. I've never been a patient before." Nick clasped his hand a little harder. "I know my life has not been exemplary. But I did do good by you, didn't I?"
"Yes, uncle, you did very well by me. Now stop talking this way. Everything will be fine. I'm sure."
The ringing of the telephone broke Jevin's concentration. He picked it up, still absorbed in the work he had been doing.
"Jevin?" the voice at the other end questioned.
"Yeah?"
"Jevin, this is Nick...Nick Turner?"
"Oh, hi Nick. I've just been caught up in my work. What's up Nick?"
"I'm just calling about Jack."
Jevin tried to maintain an air of disinterest. "Yeah, how is he doing?"
"Fair."
"Only fair? What's wrong?"
"Well, the doctors have concluded all their test and everything and there was a big meeting and they decided that Uncle Jack has had a series of small stokes. Mini-strokes they call them."
"Stokes? Oh, my God!"
"Yes. He also seems to have had a full blown panic attack when he was at your place last night."
"So what are they doing for him?"
"Well, they've put him on different medications, restricted his diet and some other things."
"Does he have any effects...you know, of the strokes?"
"Not really...but he seems to have forgotten certain things...and remembers others incorrectly."
"Jeez!"
"I know! It's a little strange. He's always been so big and strong and commanding. Now seeing him in a hospital bed like this...well, it's very unsettling."
"I'm sorry Nick...very sorry. I can't help but think that...that I was the cause of it."
"You? How could you possibly be the cause Jevin?"
"Because of what happened last...last weekend and...and then again last night."
"Get that completely out of your head, Jevin. You hear me? Completely! This is natural and you had nothing to do with it. Understand? Jevin?"
Jevin was hesitant. "Yeah, Nick, I understand." Jevin thought before asking the next question. "Nick, do you think I...do you think it would be okay if I visited him? In the hospital?"
"I think it would be wonderful, Jevin. Really wonderful!"
The SUV was in the hospital parking lot. Jevin and Brandon were still sitting in the vehicle. Jevin was going through something of a crisis. He could not decide if he really wanted to visit Jack. So much had happened in the week since he and Jack had been together and now there was Brandon to complicate matters and...
"What's wrong, Jev?" Brandon asked in a soothing and soft voice.
Jevin shook his head. He moved his hand slightly in a sign that he was unable to speak. After a few deep breaths and sighs, he spoke. "I'm having second thoughts, Brand. I don't think I should go in. I feel it's my fault that he's here in the first place."
"That's ridiculous, Jev. Absolutely ridiculous! You had nothing to do with his illness...or any of his problems." Brandon shook his head. "Why must you take on the burdens of everyone you meet? Why must you think yourself responsible for their problems and their deficiencies? Jeez! I really don't believe you." Brandon moved his hand to Jevin's nearest thigh and stroked it softly. "Jev, listen to me. Please." Jevin nodded. "Look at me." Jevin lifted his head and looked at Brandon; there were tears in his eyes. "Jev, I know that I've only known you for a few days...and I know it's not fair of me to make judgments about you based on such...well, based on such flimsy knowledge. But you seem like an incredibly caring person. You honestly do." Jevin smiled through his tears. "I don't want to sound like a hard hearted bastard but you cannot assume responsibility for other people's deficiencies. Now Jack has his problems - he has to work them out and you cannot assume that you are accountable for them. Do you understand me?"
Jevin nodded. It seemed a little tentative to Brandon, but he was glad that at least Jevin acknowledged his problem. They got out of the vehicle and walked to the hospital entrance.
Nick and Will were in the room with Jack when Jevin and Brandon slowly entered. Nick was sitting by the bed and holding Jack's hand. Jack smiled shyly when he saw Jevin.
Jevin walked cautiously to Jack's bedside. "Hi Jack," he said in a low voice. He thrust out the bunch of flowers he had brought.
"Hi Jev. Really good of you to come. And thanks...for everything."
"You're very welcome Jack. I'm amazed that I behaved so calmly and coolly when...when you got sick last night."
Nick stood and shook Jevin's hand and then embraced him. "Thanks, Jevin." Nick stood back, still holding Jevin's hand. "Jevin, I'd like you to meet a good friend of mine, Will Kennedy. Will, this is Jevin Wilkenson...the guy who called the EMS last night and left me the message."
Will grasped Jevin's hand. "Very nice to meet you, Jevin. You're a very good friend."
Jevin blushed and then introduced Brandon to Nick and Will. The four spoke together in a group almost ignoring Jack's presence.
"Guys? Would you guys mind if Jevin and I spoke privately?"
Brandon, Nick and Will agreed, and walked out of the room and to the visitor's lounge. Jack and Jevin were alone together for the first time since their passionate and overwhelming weekend. Jevin sat on the chair next to the bed.
"Jevin, I don't know where to begin. I'm just so sorry for everything and..."
"You don't have to say anything, Jack. I just feel terrible seeing you in this hospital bed."
"Maybe this is where I belonged all the time. Maybe I should be in a padded cell...the way I treated you...what I did to you...my disgusting behavior...was just unforgivable." Jack reached out and grasped Jevin's right hand. He squeezed it lightly and smiled a small crooked smile at the young man. "I see you've a new friend."
"Yeah. I met Brandon Friday night - at a dance club."
"A dance club? Since when do you go to dance clubs?"
"Since Friday night." Jevin paused. "We danced together. It was great!"
"You liked it?"
"I loved it. I loved the wildness and the way I could lose myself in the music...and the movement...and the sheer exuberance of it all."
"Good that you enjoyed it all."
"Brandon is a great dancer. And he's an amp, like me." Jack gave him a quizzical look. "Yes, an amp. Brandon had both his legs amputated when he was a kid - twelve years old. Both legs below the knees. We've had similar experiences...and childhoods"
"That's really something. Both legs? And he dances?"
"Dances great!"
Both men fell into an uncomfortable silence. "How old is your new...er...friend?"
Jevin heard the old bitchiness creeping into Jack's voice. He hated it but he was determined not to create an incident. "Twenty-eight," Jevin answered. "He's a PhD candidate at the university."
"Very nice. You know, he bleaches his hair?"
"Yes, Jack, I know that Brandon bleaches his hair."
"Just thought you should know. Something else about him that's not real."
Jevin looked around the room, then at Jack again. "Well, maybe it makes him feel better when he tears down others," Jevin thought. He knew he had to say something to Jack even though this was a terrible time to do it. The last time he needed and wanted to talk to this man he had run out on him. This time he had not place to run. It could also be the last time he would speak to Jack. Who knew?
He took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. "Jack, I don't know if this is the time or the place but...well, I really need to say something...to unburden myself...if you don't mind." Jack nodded. "When we met at the Mayfair Grille, my first impression was that you were among the most caring and...well, just about the nicest guy I had ever met." He began to have some difficulty speaking. "After our weekend together I have to admit to you that I was happier than I had ever been in my life." He took another deep breath. "And then the roof caved...in on...me." Jevin now had great difficult speaking. He felt that he would start to cry any second now. But he knew he must ask the question. "Why, Jack? Why did you give up on me so quickly? Why were you so cold and callous to me? Why didn't you really...love me?"
Jack continued to hold onto Jevin's hand, but looked away; his eyes wandered to the flowers in the room and then to the window. "I...I really can't rationally explain my actions, Jevin. I've thought about the...situation so long...and so often. Being in here has given me plenty of time to think...if nothing else. And I still haven't arrived at a satisfactory conclusion." He looked again at Jevin, who had his head down and seemed to crying slightly. "I really don't know."
Jack turned to look at his young visitor. It was a look filled with longing and sorrow. "What a wonderful experience we shared...together in that bed in Jevin's apartment," he thought. "What bliss...what excitement...what enchantment. I thought it was going to last and last. Why? Why did I make it end? What got into me that I had to destroy...destroy such a loving relationship...destroy such a loving couple?"
Then he spoke again. "But...but if I had to give you a reason...if I had to, then I think it is the difference in our ages...that frightened me the most. I think I could have dealt with your keen intellect...and your uncommon beauty...but I didn't think I could deal with that difference. I know that I'm simply too old for you, Jevin. I'd started to think of myself as getting old...and I think this stay in the hospital is proving it. If we were together people would begin to say things about such a handsome young guy going out with such an old fart."
"So who gives a shit what other people say?" Jevin felt himself getting too emotional and tried to calm down. He shook his head slightly and Jack gave him a questioning look. "I think it's more than that, Jack...much more than that. I...I don't think it's that you figured you were getting...or are...to old...for me. It's...I'm convinced now, you...you believe that I'm too young for you...you couldn't deal with my youth." Jevin paused and took a deep breath before say the next thing. "I think that...that you have no respect for me."
"What are you saying Jevin? That's just not true."
"I think it is. I think it's very true. You think of me as just a kid...just a kid. I'm sure that you find...or found...me to be a nice one-night stand, but nothing more than that. An eighteen-year-old kid...not worthy of being taken seriously...or whose needs and wants should be taken seriously...or respected." Jevin paused and now looked intensely and unwaveringly at Jack. "You've no...no respect for me. None at all. I know that now. I'm certain of it."
The statement was like a thunderbolt - it struck full force and Jack felt himself reeling. The shock - the jolt - was so startling that Jack actually felt injured from it. He was rocked! He was absolutely rocked! And he also realized the accuracy and the rightness of it.
Jack started to speak, but Jevin stopped him. "Jack, I don't want to argue it with you at this time. You're sick now...and I don't want to upset you any more than I already have. However, just let me say one more thing."
Jack tried to steady himself for the next fusillade.
"I've never thought of you as anything but a healthy, vibrant and very loving man. It's too bad that your own hang-ups and...and insecurities...and pettiness...broke us up after...after that incredible time we were together. And believe me...believe me...it wasn't just the sex.
"No! It was being with you that made it all so great. Just being with you, Jack. Don't you understand that?" Jevin shook his head. "I'm guess you just don't. Having you there...with me and for me! Just having you there...in the restaurant...in the park...walking and talking together...when you took my hand and held it..." Jevin's voice trailed off and he felt that he was going to cry. He took a few deep breaths and tried desperately to calm himself. "That's the part you never understood. Just you being there was what made everything so wonderful and exciting for me.
"That's why I say you don't respect me...because you could overlook all of that so easily. It was having you with me...and being near me...and holding me...and caring - that's what made it so great...so great..." Jevin turned his head away as he felt the tears running down his face. "All you thought about...all you thought I cared about...was the sex. And that, while very, very wonderful, was the least of it...the least of it..."
Jack let go of Jevin's hand and turned his head away. He could not control the sudden stream of tears that coursed down his cheeks and onto the pillows.
The End of Chapter 11