Thank you guys for the amazing feedback! Just to clarify some things, this story does take place as if the band were to start a reunion today. So, all music talked about or mentioned does not exist. Again, I do not know N'Sync, nor do I have any indication of their lives. Besides Lance, I do not know sexual orientation of the men of N'Sync. If you are not old enough to be reading this type of writing, leave now...also if you find M/M acts inappropriate, lave as well. If not, enjoy the latest part of the story! Feedback is loved!
JUSTIN
I'm not sure if writing in this will help...stupid journal. I've kinda ignored it for a while, but it seems like all old habits are returning so why the hell not. I don't know why I'm here; I don't know what made me think that coming back to the group would be a good idea. JC hates me. He hates me. I can't even breathe without him glaring at me; the person that I was supposed to turn to when I needed someone hates me. I've already felt like I'm on some huge emotional roller coaster and it's only the first day. Shit.
I quickly put my `journal' away when I heard a knock at my door. The last thing I needed was having the guys know about this journal because that would only bring up stupid questions I didn't want to answer. I turned around and saw Lance standing in my doorway.
"Hey." He seems to be asking permission to enter without actually asking which means this conversation is going to do nothing but make me angry. "Hey." "Um, I just wanted to apologize, J. I know that I should have said something earlier. I just..." "Lance, really, it's no big deal. Don't worry about it." Lately I've been thinking that I'm the one who owes Lance the apology. When he came out to the public I was no where around. I knew I should have been there for him, god I'm a terrible friend sometimes. "No, listen. What JC said is not how I feel okay? I love you Justin, and I have never been angry with you." "That's not what you said in your book." I smiled at him. He sighed and looked at me. God, I hate that look; the look that said this conversation is going to be serious, not funny, "Justin, I know that what I wrote in my book hurt you a little bit. And I'm sorry. I did feel betrayed during the beginning...when you released your first album, but it wasn't angry okay? I just wanted to tell people that you did sort of come out of no where with the solo project, and it wasn't expected, but I do not hate you for that. I understand that you needed to get out there and I supported you then and now. Please don't think otherwise." "Lance, I didn't say that to make you feel bad. You said how you felt in the book and that's that. It's whatever." I looked down at the floor to avoid looking into his eyes. I hate those eyes. Lance always had a silent way to make me open up, and I really didn't feel like facing those eyes right now. I just hope he takes the hint. "It's not whatever J. There are things we need to deal with as a group. Talk about. It's almost like our `break' turned into a way for us to forget everything that went on before and during it, but we can't ignore that stuff now. If this is going to work, we're gonna have to eventually face and deal with conversations like this. You can't just say whatever to everything Justin. I need you...we all need each other, but not like this..." He paused and waited for me to look back up at him, but I couldn't do that. Instead I stood up and headed to my bag to distract myself with unpacking. "Lance, there's nothing to deal with. We had the conversation; I'm cool, you're cool. Everything is cool so what's to talk about." "Are you serious?! Do you really think everything is cool? Do you call this cool?" Lance was suddenly right in my face. "Lance," I felt my voice shaking a bit, people yelling at me always made me nervous, "This is not all my fault. JC is angry with me, he hates me, and I can't change that okay? I'm trying, I really am trying, but I can only do so much. I can't make him stop hating me." I felt my eyes welling with tears and quickly turned my head. Men don't cry. "I know," Lance sighed and sat back down on my bed, "I know Justin. I'm sorry for yelling." I think if there was an award for the easiest person to guilt trip, Lance would win hands down. "Don't apologize; it seems to be the general thing people want to do to me." Well, probably not the only thing... "J, can I ask you something?" No. "Sure." This probably won't be good. Please don't ask me something I can't answer. "Joey, he said something earlier. After you had left, and it worries me." "Really?" I wasn't really paying attention at this point. Unpacking had never been so entertaining to me. "Yea, he...um. He mentioned something about how you acted in the hall way...I mean, Justin..." "Lance, really. Just say what ever you're trying to say." I didn't mean to sound angry, but I hate it when he beats around the bush like this. "You don't have to act like that you know. You don't have to get angry. I'm just trying to be your friend and ask you a simple question, but nothing is simple. It's never been with you...I can't just ask you how you've been because I know that things with you are complicated and you're still dealing with shit. But I still worry about you..." "WHY THE HELL CAN'T YOU GUYS JUST LEAVE IT ALONE!? I'M FINE OKAY. I'M FUCKING FINE." Really convincing Justin. Just scream at the top of your lungs how fine you are, they'll go for that all right. At this point I was looking Lance square in the eye; I felt my temper about to explode and, like usual, I couldn't explain why. Sometimes it got so bad I would just freak out on who ever was near; I would break the closet object to me; I would hurt myself or anyone near me. I couldn't explain why, after doing it for years it was almost as if it was the only way to let the anger out. Since the group split, Trace saw the worst part of my anger, but I had learned to usually contain it until I was alone. But being here again, among them, it was like everything was going back to where we left off. Damn them. Damn this. SHIT. I tried to take a deep breath, but it was like my lungs were suddenly only able to hold a teaspoon of air. "Justin..." "Lance, can you please just go." The longer I tried to not completely lose it, the harder it was. I haven't felt this...this...angry or out of control in a long time. To be honest, losing it on Lance was the last thing I wanted to do. I could tell that he was seeing that I needed some space, so he simply sighed and walked to the door. "Justin, just...I'm here okay? Don't let yourself get lost again. Please." He gave me that look again. That look that was begging me to just open up my soul to him, but that wasn't me. That rarely happened, only late at night when everything hit me like a ton a bricks and the only way to not explode was to let who ever was near in. Few people had seen that happen, but the guys were most of those people. He walked out of my room and after he closed my door I slide down the wall and sat on the floor. As much as I hated to admit it, I knew I was near the panic attack stage. Once I got there, there wasn't much I could do but try to remember that the walls were not collapsing around me; that if I could just catch my breath I would realize that I wasn't drowning in these emotions. I pulled my knees to my chest and simply tried to remember how to breathe.
LANCE
Conversations with Justin always left me feeling more confused. Our entire friendship was based around me feeling confused because he never said what he REALLY wanted to say. It's almost like a puzzle; can you read between the lines? I can't. I still suck at reading Justin; to Joey it seemed second nature. Chris just chose to not try, and JC had always been able to tell things about Justin just by how he walked. None of that really matters anymore though; who knew anything about Justin now. Who knew anything about anyone anymore? This reunion is code for hell, that's exactly what we have entered...hell. I'm not sure if I made the right choice leaving Justin right then, usually that would have been a pending breakdown code and Joey or JC would have taken over to make sure that he was okay. Now? Jesus, did I do the right thing? What if...no, stop it. That would not happen again, he wouldn't...would he? Maybe I should go back in there; maybe I'm jumping to conclusions. I'm sure that he continued counseling for dealing with his anger when he got like that, right? I'm sure that Trace, someone, made sure no bad habit returned, right? But, what if they hadn't? What if Justin had turned right back to the only way he knew to ease the pain, what if punishing himself was still his best solution? What if...
"Lance?" Oh, I loved when Chris' bad timing actually turned out to the best thing ever.
"Yea? What's up?"
"You okay? You look like you've seen a ghost...unless you have then that's just creepy."
"Ha, I think a ghost wouldn't even spook me right now Chris." I had to admit, seeing a ghost would be so much better than feeling like a ghost wondering around an unknown territory that was supposed to be your home.
"I'm guessing you had unpleasant conversation, what? 5 today?"
"I guess. I dunno, you know how talking to Justin can be."
"No, not really." As weird as that comment sounded, it made perfect sense. I wasn't sure how Justin and Chris' relationship had been since FutureSex came out, but I knew that before it was based off of mere coincidence meeting rather than friends coming together.
"Sorry."
"What are you apologizing for?" He asked me curiously as we headed in the direction of the pool. Fresh air sounded amazing right now.
"Uh, I don't know. I guess everything?"
"Lance, you still don't make any sense to me."
"I know. Put your name on the list of many people who do not understand me, right under my name."
"Hey, how have you been Scoop?" Man, that nickname took me back...
"What do you mean?"
"Well, I haven't talked that much to you. Well, to anyone since you decided to officially come out. I read your book by the way, nice work. Airing all of our dirty laundry and everything." I knew he was joking, but why does everyone have to bring up that damn book. And why did everyone assume I was having a hard time being publicly gay? I had been gay most of my life; I just didn't have to hide it anymore.
"I've been good. Great actually. I mean, being out to everyone has lifted this amazing weight off of my shoulder ya know?"
"Yea, well...no, but I mean I kinda understand. It was tough for you to do. I just want you to really know I support you. I'm not sure if that was really clear when you first told us. I don't know if it was the shock or if it was...I dunno, but I just felt like I should really tell you. I love you bro and I'm proud of you."
"Thanks Chris. That means a lot." I don't know why it meant so much, but it really did mean a lot.
"No problem. No problem. I've missed you Scoop."
"Same here Chris, same here." Maybe all hope wasn't lost. Maybe we could pull through this. Maybe not as successful as we had been, but the least we could do is come out brothers again.
CHRIS
There's something about mornings that can determine the outcome of the day. After Lance and I had talked by the pool for a while, secretly waiting for everyone else to simmer down before going back into the condo, we headed for bed to be ready for round two of N'Sync drama. This group was my baby, but these guys were my brothers. Justin wasn't any better than when we had split 6 years ago. Maybe better at hiding it...yea, but it was obvious, especially after talking to Lance about his latest conversation with the infant, that minimal progress had been made. Which pisses me off, what the hell were his people doing during his solo stint anyway? On top of that, JC. I don't even know where to begin. He's never really been an angry person, so I'm really confused. I understood his anger 5 years ago, hell, maybe even 3 years ago; it's time to get over it though. Anyway, where was I...oh, morning. Yea, so usually mornings are good; I've gotten used to waking up when I want, watching some TV, and eating some cereal in peace—however, this was not a morning I want to remember. Instead of waking up when ready, I woke up to loud banging. I was temporarily confused about where I was, but then I remembered...reunion. Then I thought, shit, we're we getting robbed? Attacked? Had we entered some war zone? I knew the war zone was an option, but I didn't think that it would end up in loud banging at...I looked at my clock...6 fucking AM. What in the hell. I tried to ignore the noise, but it just kept getting louder and louder. I got out of bed and threw my door opened and looked across the hall at an equally annoyed Joey.
"What is going on?"
"Uh, "Joey looked really confused. I had forgotten how slow he was in the mornings, "I think we joined the army?" Instead of answering with a smart remark, it was too early for that, I just shook my head and headed down the hall where I bumped into Lance.
"Chris, what in the world? It's 6 AM!"
"Whoa, don't look at me. I was sleeping too." I looked around still trying to identify the noise that was continuing to bang through the house.
"You think they're killing each other?" I asked, not completely joking because I wouldn't put it past them right now.
"Whose killing who?" Justin asked coming out of his room looking as confused as we did. So that rules out the war zone theory.
"What in the HELL is that noise?!" JC always was a morning person. Really, interrupting his sleep did not cause extreme anger. Can you hear my sarcasm?
"None of us know. Where is it coming from anyway?"
"I knew waking you all up like this would make my day, week, hell...my year." Once I heard that voice, I swore that my entire life flashed before my eyes. Every muscle in my body decided to start hurting. It was him. Our old trainer Caleb.
"You have got to be shitting me." Was the only thing said, and that came from Joey whose face probably masked mine exactly.
"Nope," He said laughing, I'm glad he was in a good mood, "it is me, your best friend. I heard that this group was going to make the come back of the year, and then Johnny called to tell me I was also back in business. It's time to get you boys in shape."
"Shape? I don't wanna be in shape." I'm not ashamed to say that those words actually brought tears to my eyes. If we didn't kill each other, Caleb would kill us.
"Ha, I've missed you Chris. But seriously, go get changed; track shoes on; meet me outside in 15 min."
"This is going to be the day from hell." Lance said as he headed back to his room. Boy, was he right.
That happened 2 hours ago. Two hours ago I could still feel my legs, I could think straight, oh, and did I mention that I was capable of breathing. Caleb had run us into the ground; made us lift weights, and whoever said sitting on a wall was easy...they were on crack.
"I can't feel my body, and that means that tomorrow...pain. Lots and lots of unbearable pain." Joey groaned from his position somewhere near my feet. I wasn't sure. I couldn't lift my head to see.
"Maybe I should have continued to work out the last couple of years. I mean, I thought I was still in shape. I've been lying to myself and everyone around me."
"No, you see Lance, no one is shape when it comes to Caleb. Everyone is at his mercy. No matter how in shape you thought you were." I say that, but then I look over at Justin. He's not paralyzed by pain. Stupid young kid. Well, and I guess he had still been touring and working out, and hell, he didn't need to get in shape...he was in shape. If I could move right now, I would punch him for making me look bad. Mental note: punch Justin when I can feel my legs again. Suddenly I realized that he was looking right at me, which a slight grin on his face.
"What infant?"
"Nothing, this just reminds me of the first time we met Caleb."
"Oh yea. The results were similar. We were all near death as young energetic Justin was just fine. Only JC was also still alive back then." Joey said laughing a little.
"Yea, what happened Jace. America's Best Dance crew didn't require you to work out." I said it without even thinking. My filter didn't work when I wasn't exhausted, and right now it was no where near working. MUST REMEMBER FILTER.
"Fuck you Chris. Sorry I'm not Mr. Perfect over there."
"JC I didn't mean that to be rude. I'm sorry."
"Whatever. I'm going to take a shower." I tried to stop him, but I really didn't have the energy to make amends with JC right now.
"Chris..."
"I know Joe, I know. Filter. I didn't mean to be rude. Everyone's walking around on egg shells around here. God. I forgot that everyone has turned into an emotional pregnant woman."
"You don't have to be an instigator."
"Shit, I'm glad JC was on the receiving end this time. Maybe we should start nagging him; he may learn that it doesn't feel so good and stop being the asshole he's been since we got here. I take my apology back; he is out of shape. Truth hurts." I turned my head and sighed. Who needs a filter?
JC
Who is Chris to tell me I'm out of shape. I'm not that out of shape. Sure I couldn't keep up with Justin like I used to, but damn. I haven't done hundreds of shows since we split. He has. He should be in shape. I sighed as I stepped out of my bathroom and began to look for some clothes to put on. I know everyone's mad at me, but it's not my fault I can't just erase my anger with Justin. It's not that simple, and the rest of the guys don't understand. Justin was my best friend...he was someone I loved, but he hurt me. No one thinks about me. It's always about Justin's feelings, Justin's problems. I know he's been through hell, but damn, I was there with him. Every night when he'd wake up screaming, everyday that he'd shut down, every time he had a panic attack, I was there. I don't hate him, but...I can't just put aside this anger. I can't. I don't even remember the last time I spoke to Justin without it ending in a screaming match or him just asking me to leave him alone. Before all of this, Justin would never ask me to leave him alone; he would never be hurt because of me, but that seems to be the only reason this reunion has been rocky. Me and Justin. Okay, maybe just me, but I really could care less. I sighed as I finished getting dressed and sat down on my bed; pulling out my notebook, I began to search through the many pages of scattered thoughts and ideas for songs. It's funny to see the first page as compared to the last; the first was the day Justin told us about his solo project, I was angry and that was clear. The last, from yesterday, was me angry again, that seems to be an ongoing theme. I took a deep breath and stood up, deciding that maybe going to the studio to play around with some stuff may help out a little bit. Get the juices flowing again. We had to start somewhere, and this seemed to be a step in the right direction.
As I got done to the basement where the studio was, I heard someone on the piano. I knew who it was, and I knew the rules about the studio—if someone was down there by himself and didn't invite you to join, you're supposed to leave. It was a respect thing, sometimes what you did in the studio wasn't meant to be heard by everyone; I couldn't leave though. So I listened instead; Justin had really learned to play since the band had split up. There really wasn't much but instrumental at first and I was about to just leave until I heard him start to sing. I peered around the corner so I could see him, he was singing from his usual notebook that I knew was meant for privacy—knew was meant for just his eyes I should leave I thought to myself, but I couldn't make my feet work with my brain.
Take off my shirt. Loosen the buttons Stare at myself in the mirror Take me apart piece by piece, Sorrow decrease Pressure release, I put in work Did more than called upon, More than deserved When it was over, Did I wind up hurt But it taught me before a decision ask this question first Who am I living for? Is this my limit, Can I endure some more Chances I'm given, Question Existing Who am I living for? Is this my limit, Can I endure some more Chances I'm given, Question Existing Take off my cool, show them that under here, I'm just like you Do the mistakes, I may make me a fool Or a human with loss, and if that I'm loss Round of applause, Take the abuse Sometimes it feels like they want me to lose It's entertainment is that an excuse? But the question that lingers whether win or lose Who am I living for? Is this my limit, Can I endure some more Chances I'm given, Question Existing Who am I living for? Is this my limit, Can I endure some more Chances I'm given, Question Existing Dear Diary, it's Robyn Entertaining is something I do for a living It's not who I am, I'd like to think that I'm pretty normal, I laugh, I get mad, I hurt, I think I suck sometimes, But when you're in the spotlight, Everything seems good, Sometimes I feel like i have it worse cause I have to always keep my guard up, I don't know who to trust, I don't know who wants to date me for who I am, Or who wants to be my friend for who I really am, Who am I living for? Is this my limit, Can I endure some more Chances I'm given, Question Existing Who am I living for? Is this my limit, Can I endure some more Chances I'm given, Question Existin
He stopped playing and just sat at the piano for a minuet. I knew I should have just walked away, but again, I wasn't really thinking nor doing what I should be doing lately.
"Nice song." I said revealing myself to him.
"JC? How long have you been there?" He was so afraid of me, but I couldn't just walk away.
"Long enough. Some pity song you got there." He looked up at me with hurt in his eyes and began to blink rapidly so he wouldn't start to cry. I knew him that well.
"It wasn't a pity song." He whispered.
"Sure it was. Everything is a pity party with you Justin."
"Just leave me alone JC." He stood up and began heading towards the door and suddenly it was like every ounce of anger I had inside of me decided to explode. I caught up to him and grabbed his arm causing him to stop walking, and I then shoved him up against the wall and stood eye to eye with him.
"Maybe I don't feel like leaving you alone Justin. Maybe I don't want to."
"Let me go Jace, I don't wanna fight with you." He tried to escape my grasp but I wasn't about to just let go. Not until I said everything I had to. This was the first time it was just him and me, and this was my chance to really express to him how I felt.
"You know what Justin. I want to fight with you. I want answers from you, and I want them now. LOOK AT ME!" I yelled as I got impossibly closer to his face.
"What do you want from me JC? WHAT DO YOU WANT?!"
"I want to know why. WHY?!"
"Why what?"
"Why would you just leave this group behind? Why would just stop talking to me? I was always there for you Justin. ALWAYS! Through all of your shit I was there. I loved you. Why couldn't you just put yourself aside and think about the rest of the group. Did you EVER stop to think about us while you were gallivanting around the country? DID YOU?!"
"I don't know what you want me to say! I can't just erase everything that has happened. God, I'm here now, why can't you just let it go!"
"IT'S NOT THAT EASY!"
"Why is it so hard for you?! Everyone else has forgiven me, why can't you!?" After he said that something inside of my snapped; how could he question why I was different from everyone else? How could he even put me in a category with everyone else? Before I knew it, I had thrown him to the ground and was towering above him.
"I am NOT EVERYONE ELSE JUSTIN. How could you even say something so stupid like that. FUCK YOU!" I could tell that I was terrifying him; reminding him; and doing the one thing to him that I said I would never do, but I couldn't stop, "You don't even have anything to say do you?! You can't even stand up to me, can you?! You're still that weak little boy you've always been Justin!" He didn't say anything, his silence was pissing me off more. I just wanted him to stand up to me! Talk to me! Explain his reasoning for kicking me out of his life. He had tears in his eyes, but I knew that the chances of him letting them fall were slim. He doesn't cry. Not in front of people, "SAY SOMETHING!"
"I..." He was shaking.
"How could you Justin! Tell me!"
"What he hell is going on?" Oh shit, Joey.